I'm walking through a lot of deeply personal stuff these days. Thoughts that may one day make their way in some form or other to this blog, but for the moment carry with them much uncertainty, anger, and pain. I've been feeling stretched past the limits again, and nearly unable to pray.
Anne Lamott wrote that the one prayer God always answers is, "Help!" I told a friend this morning that I was hoping that that is true, as it's about all I can manage to pray right now.
The following two quotes, one that was waiting in my inbox from Henri Nouwen, and one that was waiting on my desk in the calendar given to me by a dear friend, both struck my heart deeply today, for similar and different reasons.
From Henri:
Words That Come From the Heart
Words that do not become flesh in us remain "just words." They have no power to affect our lives. If someone says, "I love you," without any deep emotion, the words do more harm than good. But if these same words are spoken from the heart, they can create new life.
It is important that we keep in touch with the source of our words. Our great temptation is to become "pleasers," people who say the right words to please others but whose words have no roots in their interior lives. We have to keep making sure our words are rooted in our hearts. The best way to do that is in prayerful silence.
From the calendar:
"If you cannot pray by effort, then you will pray by endurance. In such an extremity, turn your face toward the Blessed Virgin, or toward any of the saints. Beg them to make your prayer for you, or to grant you some share in that prayer which they utter forever in heaven." (Saint Jane Frances de Chantal)
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
From Henri...
a few thoughts from Henri Nouwen that have once again been collecting in my inbox...
The Fruit of the Spirit
How does the Spirit of God manifest itself through us? Often we think that to witness means to speak up in defense of God. This idea can make us very self-conscious. We wonder where and how we can make God the topic of our conversations and how to convince our families, friends, neighbors, and colleagues of God's presence in their lives. But this explicit missionary endeavour often comes from an insecure heart and, therefore, easily creates divisions.
The way God's Spirit manifests itself most convincingly is through its fruits: "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, trustfulness, gentleness and self-control" (Galatians 5:22). These fruits speak for themselves. It is therefore always better to raise the question "How can I grow in the Spirit?" than the question "How can I make others believe in the Spirit?"
Right Living and Right Speaking
To be a witness for God is to be a living sign of God's presence in the world. What we live is more important than what we say, because the right way of living always leads to the right way of speaking. When we forgive our neighbours from our hearts, our hearts will speak forgiving words. When we are grateful, we will speak grateful words, and when we are hopeful and joyful, we will speak hopeful and joyful words.
When our words come too soon and we are not yet living what we are saying, we easily give double messages. Giving double messages - one with our words and another with our actions - makes us hypocrites. May our lives give us the right words and may our words lead us to the right life.
Growing into the Truth We Speak
Can we only speak when we are fully living what we are saying? If all our words had to cover all our actions, we would be doomed to permanent silence! Sometimes we are called to proclaim God's love even when we are not yet fully able to live it. Does that mean we are hypocrites? Only when our own words no longer call us to conversion. Nobody completely lives up to his or her own ideals and visions. But by proclaiming our ideals and visions with great conviction and great humility, we may gradually grow into the truth we speak. As long as we know that our lives always will speak louder than our words, we can trust that our words will remain humble.
Words That Become Flesh
Words are important. Without them our actions lose meaning. And without meaning we cannot live. Words can offer perspective, insight, understanding, and vision. Words can bring consolation, comfort, encouragement and hope. Words can take away fear, isolation, shame, and guilt. Words can reconcile, unite, forgive, and heal. Words can bring peace and joy, inner freedom and deep gratitude. Words, in short, can carry love on their wings. A word of love can be the greatest act of love. That is because when our words become flesh in our own lives and the lives of others, we can change the world.
Jesus is the word made flesh. In him speaking and acting were one.
The Fruit of the Spirit
How does the Spirit of God manifest itself through us? Often we think that to witness means to speak up in defense of God. This idea can make us very self-conscious. We wonder where and how we can make God the topic of our conversations and how to convince our families, friends, neighbors, and colleagues of God's presence in their lives. But this explicit missionary endeavour often comes from an insecure heart and, therefore, easily creates divisions.
The way God's Spirit manifests itself most convincingly is through its fruits: "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, trustfulness, gentleness and self-control" (Galatians 5:22). These fruits speak for themselves. It is therefore always better to raise the question "How can I grow in the Spirit?" than the question "How can I make others believe in the Spirit?"
Right Living and Right Speaking
To be a witness for God is to be a living sign of God's presence in the world. What we live is more important than what we say, because the right way of living always leads to the right way of speaking. When we forgive our neighbours from our hearts, our hearts will speak forgiving words. When we are grateful, we will speak grateful words, and when we are hopeful and joyful, we will speak hopeful and joyful words.
When our words come too soon and we are not yet living what we are saying, we easily give double messages. Giving double messages - one with our words and another with our actions - makes us hypocrites. May our lives give us the right words and may our words lead us to the right life.
Growing into the Truth We Speak
Can we only speak when we are fully living what we are saying? If all our words had to cover all our actions, we would be doomed to permanent silence! Sometimes we are called to proclaim God's love even when we are not yet fully able to live it. Does that mean we are hypocrites? Only when our own words no longer call us to conversion. Nobody completely lives up to his or her own ideals and visions. But by proclaiming our ideals and visions with great conviction and great humility, we may gradually grow into the truth we speak. As long as we know that our lives always will speak louder than our words, we can trust that our words will remain humble.
Words That Become Flesh
Words are important. Without them our actions lose meaning. And without meaning we cannot live. Words can offer perspective, insight, understanding, and vision. Words can bring consolation, comfort, encouragement and hope. Words can take away fear, isolation, shame, and guilt. Words can reconcile, unite, forgive, and heal. Words can bring peace and joy, inner freedom and deep gratitude. Words, in short, can carry love on their wings. A word of love can be the greatest act of love. That is because when our words become flesh in our own lives and the lives of others, we can change the world.
Jesus is the word made flesh. In him speaking and acting were one.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Conglomeration
I didn't sob when my mom showed up and hugged me.
I did cry again once she left.
I'm probably 60% packed now. The vast majority of my possessions are books, and we packed about 18 boxes worth of those tonight, powering quickly through three large bookshelves and one small one.
In my head I'm feeling less stressed about this move than I was earlier. But the rest of me hasn't caught on yet.
I think we're taking possession of the new place on Wednesday night, and will move a load or two that night, and another load or two on Thursday night.
I follow a blog with photos of Rome, and came across this post the other night. If memory serves, it's taken very near where we stayed in Rome, and, despite the many things that have come from that trip, it was somehow a hopeful thing for me to see. A hopeful memory.
I've also been following my friend LP/CA's updates on her current travels. Looking at her photos and hearing her stories have once again re-awakened my travel itch. I think I'll just tuck myself into her carry-on bag the next time she travels and tag along! Or maybe I'll spring for an airplane ticket!
I'm tentatively hoping to get outside of the city on Sunday, post moving crazyness. I'm feeling the smothering of the city again, and need to find some time alone and away from Calgary for a few hours. I'm not sure George is up to it, but I think I'll head out anyway.
And with that, I think I'm going to curl up for a while and read some Psalms, and maybe journal just a bit. The tears are still flowing every few minutes, and I need to rest. I think I'll be in bed within the hour.
I did cry again once she left.
I'm probably 60% packed now. The vast majority of my possessions are books, and we packed about 18 boxes worth of those tonight, powering quickly through three large bookshelves and one small one.
In my head I'm feeling less stressed about this move than I was earlier. But the rest of me hasn't caught on yet.
I think we're taking possession of the new place on Wednesday night, and will move a load or two that night, and another load or two on Thursday night.
I follow a blog with photos of Rome, and came across this post the other night. If memory serves, it's taken very near where we stayed in Rome, and, despite the many things that have come from that trip, it was somehow a hopeful thing for me to see. A hopeful memory.
I've also been following my friend LP/CA's updates on her current travels. Looking at her photos and hearing her stories have once again re-awakened my travel itch. I think I'll just tuck myself into her carry-on bag the next time she travels and tag along! Or maybe I'll spring for an airplane ticket!
I'm tentatively hoping to get outside of the city on Sunday, post moving crazyness. I'm feeling the smothering of the city again, and need to find some time alone and away from Calgary for a few hours. I'm not sure George is up to it, but I think I'll head out anyway.
And with that, I think I'm going to curl up for a while and read some Psalms, and maybe journal just a bit. The tears are still flowing every few minutes, and I need to rest. I think I'll be in bed within the hour.
Meltdown
My mom called me mid-afternoon today, and I lost it. Just melted into a puddle of sobs right there where I was sitting. It's been building for a while, the combination of exhaustion and stress and loneliness. And, upon hearing my mom's voice, after just completing a particularly trying call with a utility company, I couldn't contain it any more.
(And, just as an aside, no matter how good they make it sound, don't EVER use Telus TV. Their service is less than stellar and has quite a few hidden stipulations that are currently making my moving life even more complicated than it needs to be.)
I cried for quite a while, and the tears are still very close to the surface (so close they well up behind my eyes if I even admit that they're there.)
Mom is coming over shortly to spend an hour helping me pack. An hour is all I have the energy for. My throat is still sore, I'm still feeling quite listless, I've got a headache, and I'm fairly certain I'm also running a fever.
I'm pretty sure I'll melt again as soon as I see her. But the plus side is that I'll get to collect a hug. I haven't had enough of those lately. And the people I'd really like to collect them from live too far away for that to be a regular occurrence, so I'll take what I can get.
(And, just as an aside, no matter how good they make it sound, don't EVER use Telus TV. Their service is less than stellar and has quite a few hidden stipulations that are currently making my moving life even more complicated than it needs to be.)
I cried for quite a while, and the tears are still very close to the surface (so close they well up behind my eyes if I even admit that they're there.)
Mom is coming over shortly to spend an hour helping me pack. An hour is all I have the energy for. My throat is still sore, I'm still feeling quite listless, I've got a headache, and I'm fairly certain I'm also running a fever.
I'm pretty sure I'll melt again as soon as I see her. But the plus side is that I'll get to collect a hug. I haven't had enough of those lately. And the people I'd really like to collect them from live too far away for that to be a regular occurrence, so I'll take what I can get.
Horizontal
I went to work for an hour this morning, to take care of some things that absolutely had to be done today.
The cold/flu symptoms I was experiencing yesterday seem to have intensified overnight.
I'm spending the rest of the day horizontal, in my nice dark bedroom, either sleeping, or just waking from sleep, or just going back to sleep.
More thoughts later, perhaps, when I'm concious.
The cold/flu symptoms I was experiencing yesterday seem to have intensified overnight.
I'm spending the rest of the day horizontal, in my nice dark bedroom, either sleeping, or just waking from sleep, or just going back to sleep.
More thoughts later, perhaps, when I'm concious.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
