A New Spirituality...

From a Sojourners mailing list email I receive daily:

I sense that a new spirituality is being born in the church today, flowing from the wounded hearts of the weak and broken who are crying out for friendship. This friendship is also a source of healing for those who answer their cry.
- Jean Vanier Spiritual Journeys

Happening this week?

Here are some of the things I would like to happen this week (not the things I know for sure are happening, but the ones I’d like to fit in):

I’d like to connect with my friend J, to spend some time praying together

I’d like to find a place to live after June 30th

I’d like to rest

I’d like to make decisions, or at least begin the process of making decisions about my work situation, and whether or not to begin studying for my master’s degree in the fall.

I’d like to spend at least an hour curled up in a nicely scented hot bath, and lose myself in a fictional world.

I’d like to buy an umbrella

I’d like to cook at least one fresh meal

I’d like to eat berries of some sort

I’d like the tears that just don’t fall to start falling

I’d like to share stories with another friend, just recently returned from Bosnia and Croatia

I’d like to sip tea

I’d like to start a piece of writing that’s been brewing in my head for the last week or so.

I’d like to start sorting out my books (they probably need to be pared down a bit before moving)

I’d like to go for a long walk (even if it’s raining) by myself in Fish Creek Park

Enough, Enough?

So I’m sitting here at my desk again, sipping tea, like I do every morning, reflecting that the grey, rainy skies are matching my mental state quite nicely once again.

I’m asking myself the question “when is enough, enough?”

My work situation has been a disaster for months now. Ever since I returned from traveling back in February, really. The degree of “disaster” has varied. But overall, it’s been a disaster.

I’m tired. After a weekend of pondering (and trying to forget for a few hours) the latest in a long string of incidents, I find myself wondering if maybe it’s just time to move on?

Let me be clear. I love my boss. I love working for her. She’s the reason why, nearly two years into what was initially going to be a maximum one year “transition period” job, I’m still showing up at the office every morning. I love most of my coworkers, but there is one quite recent addition to the company who is just not a good fit in either our department or our company (in my opinion), and is consequently making my life and job far more difficult and miserable than they really need to be.

I’m not feeling malicious towards this person. At this point I’m not even angry anymore, I’m just tired of dealing with the situation. I’m tired of the pointed comments, and the petty rude emails. I’m tired of the fact that though our boss has intervened on several occasions, and is certainly aware of the situation, nothing seems to change.

I’m tired of having to double and triple think every word I say to this person, and every email I send, because I’ve been accused of “wanting payback”. I’m tired of having to defend my own integrity in the face of pettiness on the part of someone without a lot of integrity. I’m tired of being watched and accused and being told how I’m behaving.

Again, let me be clear. I haven’t been a saint. I have been angry. I have occasionally been rude, or simply chosen to ignore the existence of this person. But my genuine desire is to walk uprightly in the midst of even this most ridiculous and childish of situations. I’ve managed to keep the cutting personal remarks that would be so easy to stoop to making from spilling past my lips. I’m working on keeping them from forming in my mind at all. I’ve been deeply convicted by the passage where Jesus talks about “loving your enemies and praying for those who persecute you.” I will admit that at this point a growled “bless her, Lord” is all that I can generally manage in the midst of this situation. I will also admit to wondering if this "pray for those who persecute you" thing is going to kill me. But I'm trying, with Jesus' help I'm really trying.

And so this morning, after a weekend of pondering an accusation of rudeness and an attempt at payback in what I thought was a very professional (if short) email, I’m just tired, and I’m asking, “When is enough, enough?” Maybe it’s time to move on? To cut my daily commute in half by working downtown. To make a salary that is somewhat significantly larger than my current salary, because I’ve been willing to be a bit underpaid to enjoy my place of employment.

When is enough, enough?

New Day, Week, Month, Journal

It's Sunday morning again, and as per usual, I didn't get enough sleep last night. But here's the thing - it's only partially the fault of my whacked out brain this time. Seems our neighbors decided to have a campfire, complete with beer, talking loudly, and lots of swearing. Seems they felt 11pm would be a good time to commence having such an activity, only 4 feet or so from my bedroom window. Seems they felt it would be good to carry on with said activity until at least 2 am. So I didn't get quite enough sleep.

It's a new day. I like new days. To paraphrase Anne of Green Gables they "don't have any mistakes in them yet."

It's a new week. I like weeks like this upcoming one, which is going to be a short work week for me.

It's a new month. June will be a busy month. Trying to find a place to live. Getting ready to move. Seeing various friends.

I'm starting a new journal today. I like the possibilities of new journals. I've never filled a journal of the size I generally buy as quickly as I filled the one I finished off last night. Just under 3 months. Usually I use the same journal for 1-3 years. I've developed a habit of writing something, anything, in there at least once a day. I need to come up with a quote to begin my new journal. I always start them with a quote that has struck me and kept coming back over a season, to kind of set the tone for the next season. I think I know what quote I'm going to use, but I'll have to let you know on that!

Okay... time to get moving... style the hair I just washed, find clothing, look over my sunday school lessons one more time, maybe even find some breakfast.

Happy "New" things day!

Quiet Day into the Weekend

It has thankfully been a quiet day. Spent prayerfully while I work at tasks that have not exactly required the full engagement of my brain. Stapling. Sorting. Folding. Photocopying. Opening and distributing mail.

Not as enjoyably quiet as yesterday, when the bane of my professional existence was home sick with food poisoning, but quiet nonetheless.

These days quiet makes me simultaneously happy and nervous. Happy because no disaster has befallen that particular day. Nervous because “disasters” seem to be coming with great regularity lately and I find myself “waiting for the other shoe to fall.” (That last bit, by the way, is a lovely example of the weirdly awkward and non-sensical nature of English idioms.)

There is an hour and a half left in my work day.

And I’ll be really glad for the weekend to come.

It’s been a full week. Good, but full, and I’m ready to rest. One more social event tonight (a dinner at my aunt’s house, to welcome three different missionaries from West Africa – there will only be two of us in attendance who haven’t been to Africa – the “Africa virgins” of the bunch, just waiting to be converted to “sanity in our future travels.”). After this evening I have a couple of days designated mostly for laughter and rest.

We have houseguests again, but they will be making a day trip tomorrow, and my house will be blessedly empty for the day. I have plans to occupy my couch for much of the day. Reading, watching a movie or two, writing, sleeping, preparing a Sunday school lesson. Maybe cooking. A day to myself sounds like a blessing that should be taken full advantage of, don’t you think?