Enough, Enough?

So I’m sitting here at my desk again, sipping tea, like I do every morning, reflecting that the grey, rainy skies are matching my mental state quite nicely once again.

I’m asking myself the question “when is enough, enough?”

My work situation has been a disaster for months now. Ever since I returned from traveling back in February, really. The degree of “disaster” has varied. But overall, it’s been a disaster.

I’m tired. After a weekend of pondering (and trying to forget for a few hours) the latest in a long string of incidents, I find myself wondering if maybe it’s just time to move on?

Let me be clear. I love my boss. I love working for her. She’s the reason why, nearly two years into what was initially going to be a maximum one year “transition period” job, I’m still showing up at the office every morning. I love most of my coworkers, but there is one quite recent addition to the company who is just not a good fit in either our department or our company (in my opinion), and is consequently making my life and job far more difficult and miserable than they really need to be.

I’m not feeling malicious towards this person. At this point I’m not even angry anymore, I’m just tired of dealing with the situation. I’m tired of the pointed comments, and the petty rude emails. I’m tired of the fact that though our boss has intervened on several occasions, and is certainly aware of the situation, nothing seems to change.

I’m tired of having to double and triple think every word I say to this person, and every email I send, because I’ve been accused of “wanting payback”. I’m tired of having to defend my own integrity in the face of pettiness on the part of someone without a lot of integrity. I’m tired of being watched and accused and being told how I’m behaving.

Again, let me be clear. I haven’t been a saint. I have been angry. I have occasionally been rude, or simply chosen to ignore the existence of this person. But my genuine desire is to walk uprightly in the midst of even this most ridiculous and childish of situations. I’ve managed to keep the cutting personal remarks that would be so easy to stoop to making from spilling past my lips. I’m working on keeping them from forming in my mind at all. I’ve been deeply convicted by the passage where Jesus talks about “loving your enemies and praying for those who persecute you.” I will admit that at this point a growled “bless her, Lord” is all that I can generally manage in the midst of this situation. I will also admit to wondering if this "pray for those who persecute you" thing is going to kill me. But I'm trying, with Jesus' help I'm really trying.

And so this morning, after a weekend of pondering an accusation of rudeness and an attempt at payback in what I thought was a very professional (if short) email, I’m just tired, and I’m asking, “When is enough, enough?” Maybe it’s time to move on? To cut my daily commute in half by working downtown. To make a salary that is somewhat significantly larger than my current salary, because I’ve been willing to be a bit underpaid to enjoy my place of employment.

When is enough, enough?