Early

I read this quote on a facebook status for an organization I support a little while ago, and it kind of made me angry.  It read, "At the center of your being, you have the answer; you know who you are and what you want." (Lao Tzu)

If the center of my being has the answers, it sure isn't sharing them with me!

Mostly, it's a reaction stemming from early morning angst.  Early mornings, before conversations begin, and the day starts in earnest, are hard.  Those hours of willing my unwilling body back to sleep, of laying for hours in that place somewhere between waking and dreaming.  Those are the moments when peace is most elusive, when oppression can feel the strongest, and when fear talks loudly.

Lately even the usual "tricks" to hang on to peace and rest aren't working so well.

And so I read a quote like this and it ticks me off.  It makes me mad.  Because if I'm supposed to have the answers, I'm in big trouble. 

Trust has never been my gift, though it's one that God is teaching me.  But at least if I trust I don't have to have the answers within me - that there is something so much larger than me that can be in charge of having answers - then I can ward off the fear, the anxiety, the weirdness of life just a little.  Even in these early morning hours.

Morning Mood

With so little sleep, my already, less than a morning person nature is really getting a chance to shine.

I'm spending a good deal of time each morning reminding myself that those are "inside thoughts, Lisa.  Inside thoughts."

Sometimes it works, sometimes not so much.

I'm so tired that I fell asleep briefly on the bus yesterday afternoon.  That's pretty much unheard of - me sleeping in a public place.

I have a natural health treatment tonight.  Though I doubt he can do a lot about the nightmares, I'm hoping he can help at least a little with the sleep.

In the meantime, I'm working on my morning mood.  It ain't such a pretty thing!

Monday Morning

My day started with a bit of a shock, reading something unexpected on facebook. Not bad, just a surprise - a quotation that hit hard, some deep places that are still very raw. It pulled me into a place of memories, and I'm still feeling a little off balance from beginning my day that way.

My roommate didn't hear her alarm, and I had to wake her, a good 40 minutes after she is usually up and about. Since I am her ride to the train, that means I was running behind as well. We managed to get out of the house only about 10 minutes later than usual.

The work day has already been just a little bit crazy, and it's only an hour old.

The work week is likely to hold some "adventures" and probably some flaring tempers. Things are running behind (due to totally uncontrollable circumstances) and I think people are starting to get stressed.

For now, though, my goal is to get to the end of the day. Tonight I get to meet and cuddle the 2 month old daughter of a good friend. A little girl who was born on Rosh Hashanah and unknowingly gave me hope. I'm looking forward to cuddles with the baby, and catching up and laughing with her mom - hearing all about her new life as mommy. I'll enjoy making dinner for them, and hosting them in my home. I'm choosing to get through this day (looking for joy along the way) and anticipate deep joy tonight.

It's a Monday, but I'm going to get through it somehow.

Too Early Again...

I'm awake too early a few mornings in a row.

This morning, though, I'm crabby about it.

My roommates are generally considerate people, but they are incapable of coming home and getting ready for bed, or getting ready to go out in the morning at anything but top volume. And our house has hardwood floors, which magnifies the noise.

None of these would be problems if I was better at sleeping.

And they wouldn't be a problem today, if they hadn't loudly arrived home from a pre-wedding celebration for the one at 2 am.

And then loudly began banging around in our kitchen again only 5 hours later to prepare for a hike they're headed out on.

I was awake for quite a length of time at 2 am due to their preparations for bed and my inability to fall quickly to sleep.

And unfortunately, they were loud enough this morning that it became clear that making it back to sleep wasn't going to happen.

So, I'm ensconced again in the living room (the internet isn't working in my bedroom), checking a few emails and blogs, and planning to journal for a while. (And wishing we had a comfortable couch.)