Thursday, April 22, 2010

On my mind

This, will, I promise, be an entirely random collection of things that I'm currently thinking about.
  • I'm wearing my "twirling skirt" today.  Because it just seemed like just the right outfit for today.  And because yesterday I felt like dancing.  This skirt always makes me want to dance.  And it's colorful and happy, so that helps too.
  • My life for the next three weeks is rapidly becoming consumed with wedding details as T & L's big day draws closer.  They asked me to help out with another task last night - this time coordinating the slideshow for their wedding reception.  I was happy to agree, but as I was staring at my calendar, I was left trying to figure out where on earth the stuff of daily life is supposed to fit in as I navigate some medical appointments scheduled months ago, long before T & L's engagement, some appointments for the wedding - hair and so forth, and the just general busyness that comes from working full time and trying to be involved in a church community.
  • All this wedding stuff is throwing me for a loop, too.  Much like when I was living in the midst of wedding central last year, I'm finding it far more challening to be content with my own single status.  And that's saying something, because I've got to be the most happily single person I've ever met.  But sometimes, all this wedding stuff can just make you lonely.  Don't get me wrong - I'd love to meet a guy and get married.  But loneliness is not something that's mostly on my radar.  At least not that kind of loneliness.  Lately, though, it has been a bit more.
  • I'm working through my dislike of change, too, and being challenged by what's appearing in my life, in part because of this wedding.  Because this is a positive change in the life of our family.  It's a gain, not a loss.  And yet, I find myself having a hard time, sometimes, with the incredible way the face of our family will change with the marriage of the first sibling.  And I find myself challenged by how resistant I am feeling internally towards this change.  Especially since it's a change I'm in so many ways delighted by.  One that I know is not a negative thing.  It's odd to see my fears surfacing in this way.
  • I'm debating whether or not I'll be able to attend an upcoming retreat with the house churches I'm a part of.  I really want to go.  The topic is one that I'd love to participate in.  But the retreat is the weekend right before the wedding.  And it's also over Mother's Day.  And with my various wedding related responsibilites, and the addition of Mother's Day, I'm kind of feeling like I need to hang out in Calgary instead of going away.  And while I know that that won't be wasted time, it makes me just a little bit grumpy to set aside what I really want for the sake of my family.  (Boy, this post is making me sound like a selfish jerk.)
  • I'm still trying to navigate a very difficult living situation as well.  Life at Grandma's is incredibly challenging, and inconsistent, and that means that I am fighting in a huge way to find my place of rest internally, and not have it tied to a place or thing.  At the same time, I really miss some of the freedoms of having my own apartment.  Freedoms in cooking and cleaning.  And especially the freedom to invite friends over and feed them.  I'm sure that Grandma would be fine with me doing this, but I'm also certain that it would be a very bad idea.  Cooking a nice meal is a real challenge, and we'd need to eat it upstairs, as my space downstairs wouldn't accomodate eating or visiting.  And eating upstairs is a problem, because Grandma is there.  I love my grandmother, but she's the most nosy, talkative person on the planet, and having a genuine conversation with a friend in her presence would be impossible.
So, those are the things I'm thinking about today, among others, anyway.

Life feels big and crazy these days.  Not necessarily overwhelming, but like it's spinning fast, and bordering on out of control.  Like one of those jugglers who's doing really well and then, well, he adds that one last ball and drops everything.  I keep wondering what the last ball will be.

And in the midst of this I'm trying to let Jesus teach me lessons of peace.  Of really seeing people.  Of living joyfully.  Of resting, even in the midst of the storms.  They're pretty challenging lessons, to go with a pretty challening life.