Thursday, August 20, 2009

Trying hard

I spent the morning shut up in my office, doing math. Those of you who know me will know that I am NOT a numbers sort of person, and that two plus hours of calculations will have left me exhausted.

I realized as I got up to grab my lunch, that I'd been so distracted by other things (laundry!) this morning that I'd forgotten to bring anything with me. I didn't bring lunch yesterday, either, because we were out of groceries. And I have a standing lunch appointment on Fridays that also requires a purchase of lunch. So much for "not eating out" as a cost cutting measure. However, there is enough left over from today's lunch that I won't have to cook dinner tonight, or that if I choose to cook dinner, I can have leftovers for lunch or dinner tomorrow or Saturday. It hasn't been a great day food wise - I realized this morning that I'd purchased the wrong granola bars (my usual breakfast) at the grocery store last night, and am facing a week or two of eating the less preferable option to use up the ones I purchased.

Happenings around the office continue to be wild and crazy. I have a list of items that I'll need to discuss with my boss when she returns to the office on Monday. Most of them are challenges that I've attempted to address several times this week, and haven't been able to get answers on, so I'll need to push them up the ladder. This morning saw more frustrations as I realized yet again how many communication problems we have in this office, and how one staff member in particular just ignores them rather than addressing them.

I'm looking forward to a quiet evening at home tonight. My roommate has plans to be out for the evening, and I will probably enjoy the quiet. I'll likely pop a few episodes of "The West Wing" or the latest Rob Bell teaching dvd in my dvd player, and go about my evening. I have some writing to do, and some laundry. Various bits of cleaning, a few emails to catch up on, and, quite frankly a need to pamper myself a little and also spend some time reading.

I'm trying hard. That's the phrase that feels like it sums up my days right now. Trying hard to excel at my job, without getting sucked into the ever present swirl of very real challenges that inspire anger, frustration and stress. Trying hard to remember to hunt for the things that make me smile. Trying hard not to harbor anger. Trying hard to process the many deep things going on in my heart these days. Trying hard to choose life and joy and hope and peace.

Trying hard is pretty exhausting. I've been in bed before 10:30 two nights in a row now. (An unheard of occurrence!) It hasn't made a huge difference, given the odd sleep experiences I've been having again, but I figure every little bit helps, and I just haven't had the energy to keep going past that time.