Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 41

Today's Daily 5:
(for an introduction to the Daily 5 Lists, click here)

1. A sense of clarity that came waking from dreams this morning, as a scripture came back.  Ironically, it's a scripture I've rather hated, one that's been tossed at me as a sort of weapon through the years.  But this morning, as I woke from hard dreams, it brought clarity, and just a little bit of hope, and for that I was thankful.
2. Crepes for breakfast at a local cafe/bakery
3. An honest conversation with a friend.  Not one that was easy, but the response was encouraging, and there was lots of laughter, and some girl talk fit in around the big stuff in our lives that also needed discussing.
4. Looking forward to ways the house church I'm a part of is developing and will develop in the coming weeks and months
5. A really productive afternoon blog-wise, getting a bunch of posts written and scheduled for the future
6. a treatment from mom that helped ease some muscles that were aching badly after waking so tensely and suddenly this morning
7. knowing that my supplements are starting to kick back in and I'm going to start feeling better
8. A steak dinner out with my parents, both siblings, my sister-in-law, my brother's girlfriend, and my aunt.  Time out like that with my family is not always super enjoyable, but tonight, at that restaurant, I enjoyed being with them, and being treated to a really nice meal.

"You're Just Going to Stay" (California Part 2)

For nearly as long as we've been corresponding, Lisa has been trying to convince me that the "other CA - the state, not the country" is the place to be.  And, I'll admit, the lack of snow is definitely a selling feature.

Upon arrival, she immediately set out to convert me, with a complete lack of subtlety that was absolutely hilarious.  She basically told me I wasn't going home, I'd just have to move there, and how could I possibly be in San Diego and not fall in love with the place?  That said, her zeal for conversion (and how well she'd gotten to know me via all those years of blog posts and emails and facebook) made her an excellent tour guide!

Food was the one highlight I didn't take any photos of, but lunch at the Old Spaghetti Factory made me a convert to Mizithra cheese (turns out that this is a CA delicacy that I can repeat simply by going to downtown Calgary!)  Steak dinner at the Boathouse, and Godiva chocolate cheesecake that we shared over the course of several evenings were all highlights.  And, genuine Mexican food in Old Town.  So good.  I love Mexican food!

On Wednesday we spent the day at the zoo.  Thanks to a friend of Lisa's who works there and got us in free, I've now toured the famous San Diego Zoo, and not actually seen the entrance!  I love zoos anyway, but this one was great fun - pandas, koalas, polar bears, giraffes and otters were some of my favorites of the day.  (I was also quite astonished by the size of the Galapagos tortises, though their sheer size doesn't really show in photos.)

And then, of course, there is the great love of palm trees that I discovered!  I actually don't think, in the course of my travels, that I've ever been to a place where palm trees just grow outside.  In the wintery world in which I live, palm trees are in the indoor botanical gardens at the zoo or downtown - not outside.  They're the thing you put in the photo of some tropical location on your computer desktop background to get you through the winter - the pipe dream of someplace fabulous that you'll maybe go someday.  Quite honestly, palm trees might be the biggest selling factor for a move to California one day!  They definitely became the standing joke for the week, as one or the other of us pointed them out, including the "miniature palm trees" on one of the rides at Disneyland!

In the posts to come, various sites, the best parts of the trip, and of course, Disneyland!

Waking from Dreams

I forget, sometimes, that often when there is some sort of forward momentum in one part of my life, there is a tendency for backlash in others.

I remembered that reality rather harshly this morning, waking from a couple of dreams.

Often I know that a dream isn't reality, even while I'm having it.  That I'm experiencing something that is symbolic or spiritual or just bad pizza. 

This morning's wasn't like that.  It took me a minute or two after waking to remember that what I'd seen and experienced was a dream.

It's a dream that reflected a fear that's embarrassing to me in a way.

I haven't talked much about the fall out from the last car accident I had in January.

The fact that on the rare occasions these days that I get behind the wheel of a car, panic comes.  That part didn't surprise me, really.  It happened after the previous accidents too.  And in each case, it's usually dissipated simply by time.  By getting behind the wheel over and over again, and praying, and driving carefully, and doing it through the panic. 

And I don't and can't have a car for a while because of the insurance issues, so I didn't expect it to dissipate quickly.

I haven't told many people that even being a passenger in a car similar to mine is hard.  That riding in the front seat of a smaller, low to the ground vehicle is also nerve wracking.

There are a couple of people who drive, and I'm able to relax.  But not many.  If they happen to drive larger vehicles - SUVs or trucks, that helps a little.

This morning I relived my last accident (by far the worst one.)  I relived it in my dreams, twice, though the details were wrong.  The crash, the airbag, the panic over what to do next, who to call.  The sinking sense of dread that now the insurance will be a problem forever, because I'd had even more accidents.

It wasn't the fear that I'd expected to surface.  It wasn't even like I was expecting fear to surface, per say, though, upon reflection, given other things in my life, it didn't surprise me.

It felt like, maybe even was, attack.

And it wasn't an easy way to start the day.

Nearly two hours later, I'm approaching okay.  In half an hour a friend will pick me up, and we're going for breakfast, and I'll ride in her car, and pray a little, and push away the fear for the reality of enjoying time with my friend.

But if you're the praying type, I'd appreciate your prayers right now.  As I walk through some stuff that aches and it stirs all the other fears, I'd appreciate your prayers.  For courage, and for protection, because there was a very real element of oppression, a sense upon waking that this was attack - against the progress I'm aiming for, against the freedom and healing I'm fighting for these days.  I'd appreciate your prayers as I shake off the remains of the dreams, or of whatever else comes.  Because pushing for healing is important, and I'm pretty sure I can't do it alone.

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 40

Today's Daily 5:

1. spending the entire morning (including eating breakfast!) in bed
2. watching lots and lots of Grey's Anatomy on dvd
3. an afternoon of quiet and alone time
4. taking a bath and revisiting my favorite former Friday evening pasttime (on a Friday afternoon) by watching Grey's while relaxing in the tub
5. after six months of living half-way in and out of being settled in grandma's house because of various uncertainties, I decided tonight to set up a table and chairs in my space.  I decided I needed a place to sit and work and pray and think, and started the process of doing that by moving my table and chairs into a space that will work for them.  I don't have a couch anymore, or I'd have moved my coffee table and that in instead, but the table and chairs will work for now, and it's something - a place to settle and think and pray.  A place to sit that is not my bed (though I think that will always remain my preferred spot!)
6. I also used my dvd player for the first time tonight, and settled for the first time into the chair and sitting spot I set up when I moved in six months ago.  To be fair, I did this partly because the dvd player in my laptop is slowly dieing and is scratching my dvds in the process, but sitting in a spot to watch a dvd on a normal screen feels good.  Like a little bit of sanity in my very bizarre life at grandma's, don't even have a bedroom door world.
7. I lit candles everywhere to combat the smell of musty basement (and other odd house smells that have been happening here at grandma's lately) and to warm up my cold space
8. wearing a twirly skirt, and a scarf, even though it was a cooler day and that wouldn't be my normal impulse on cooler days
9. finding out that the process of getting an American passport is going to take way less legwork than I thought, thanks to some work my parents did to get each of us a document certifying our American citizenship when we were born
10. The simple process of applying myself to a task was helpful tonight in refocusing myself after a very hard day.  So I cleaned, and I unpacked my suitcase from my trip and put things away, and I created a new space to sit and think.

Today

Today:

• I'm feeling lonely.  I always feel lonely after trips where I get to spend time with the people who know me best.
• I'm having a hard time shaking off the morning oppression and fear and general sense of disconcertion that so often comes.
• I'm talking to myself.  A lot.
• And working on paying attention to stopping the really negative self-talk.
• And remembering how funny it was last week when I was in California and either my friend or I would talk out loud to ourselves, and then realize that calling oneself by name when there is a friend with the same name sitting across the room creates a general sense of hilarity and confusion.
• I'm reminding myself that part of the reason I'm struggling today is medicinal.  In the crazyness of a transition home, I realized late yesterday that it had been three full days since I'd taken any of the natural supplements I normally take at least three times a day.  Including the one that I know makes a difference with anxiety.  Ooops.
• Because of my supplement misstep, I'm also reminding myself that I can't expect to feel 100% today.
• I'm praying for a few different friends who are going through some really challenging things.
• I'm obsessing, and thus failing to enjoy a rare opportunity for solitude in a place where I actually feel comfortable
• I'm pondering a bunch of thoughts that will eventually become blog posts
• I'm watching lots and lots of Grey's Anatomy, working on finishing up last season on DVD so that I can watch last night's season premiere on the internet later
• I'm doing some of the little items on my "to do" list
• I'm pondering ways to make certain parts of my life more "liveable"
• I'm needing to stop, and be really honest with myself.
• I'm procrastinating about some other items on my "to do"list
• I'm listening for God whispers, and hearing them oddly, partly in the last four words of the statement "love others as you love yourself"
• I'm thinking about honesty and vulnerability, and how I'm usually glad for the moments I make it to that point, but how long I avoid them and obsess over them, and fear them, leading up to them
• I'm wearing a skirt, just because I needed to wear a twirly skirt.  I have three quarter length tights under it, and am wearing a scarf and hoodie over my t-shirt, but I'm wearing a bright green twirly skirt, just because it reminds me of freedom and joy.