Daily 5 - Day 76

Today's Daily 5:

1. A better day than yesterday
2. getting the time I need for my doctor's appointment on Friday off work without any trouble
3. sorting through photos from my trip
4. maybe finally having the problems with my utility company sorted out
5. simple leftovers of a hamburger for dinner
   

I Loved This...

For a wide variety of reasons, it's been almost a year since I've read a novel. Partly because I needed to fast from the escapist tendencies I was using fiction for, and partly for a number of other reasons. But, if/when Claudia Mair Burney releases a new novel, I'll likely break that fast and read it. (Her book, Wounded, was the last novel I read, late last fall, and I loved it, and was profoundly touched by it, like every other one of her novels that I've read.)

In any case, I follow her blog, Ragamuffin Diva, and I loved the most recent post there, The Canticle of the Lamb. It spoke to some of the raw and wounded bits of my heart this morning, and brought just that touch of hope that was badly needed.

Tuesday. Start Again.

I'm feeling minutely restored over yesterday.

An afternoon of sleeping, and a night where I was in bed relatively early (for me anyway) helped a bit.

Focusing on other things is helping too, I guess.

There are big things going on around me and in me, and, to be honest, I'm not quite sure that I know what to do with any of it, and I definitely haven't been coping well.

I'm seeing my doctor later this week to discuss a number of concerns, among them my sleeping issues. I'm expecting to get lectured, because, while the sleep problems have definitely become more of an issue in the last two years, I've been dealing with them for probably about 15 years, quietly, without ever mentioning them, since they were usually sporadic and relatively manageable. I'm also expecting an argument about sleeping meds, since at the moment I'm taking a natural supplement that seems to be allowing me to sleep in increasing amounts, and I'm not crazy about the addictive qualities of prescription sleeping meds.

Sleep is only one of several issues I'll be chatting with my doctor about, in the hopes that if I can deal with some of the physical health issues, I'll be better equipped and have the energy to deal with the emotional and spiritual issues.

So. It's Tuesday. And I'm starting again. Let's just call yesterday a false start to the week.

Today is going better, if for no other reason than I wasn't in tears three times before 10:30 a.m.

I had a cup of passion tea this morning.

I don't have to cook dinner tonight.

I'm considering the purchase of U2 tickets for next summer, to fulfill an item on my "things to do before I die" list.

All of these are smile list type items today.

Some of them are a little bit weak and pathetic, but hey, when joy is hard to come by, I'm going to take it even in weak and pathetic doses.

And be thankful for starting over. I needed that today.

Daily 5 - Day 75

Today's Daily 5:

1. Hamburgers for supper
2. Getting enough done this morning at work that it was a feasible possibility for me to come home sick this afternoon
3. Sorting pictures from my trip, and smiling at some of the memories
4. The lyrics to the U2 song "Until the End of the World" (which caught at me deeply when I watched the live concert last night on youtube.
5. Bed earlyish tonight. Much needed.
   

Struggling

I'm not sure what to say right now.

I came home from work at noon, made a few essential phone calls, and went to bed.

I don't have the flu or a cold, but I'm so completely emotionally and spiritually exhausted that I decided to call it a day.

I cried twice in the first half-hour of the day. All it took was for someone to ask me how my weekend was. (For the record, it wasn't bad, though quite hard at moments.)

Several people took one look at me and asked if I was okay.

The answer right now is no.

I'm wrestling with some very large issues, and some very loud voices.

The tears and throbbing pain have numbed a bit just at the moment, but I have no doubt they'll surface hugely again.

I need to make some decisions, but I have no idea how to attempt that. I'm actually scared to do that from this emotional space where I'm not able to process or think clearly.

I'm also staring an anniversary in the face this week. An anniversary that is usually full of hope. I'm not really sure what it holds this year, and in some ways I'm asking if there is anything left to celebrate. And that, my friends, is the most discouraging thought I've faced in the last four years.

I've been trying very hard to hold life together, and it's not working right now. Trying so hard to find the joy and the positives, to change entrenched patterns of thought. And I've had a few successes, but it's exhausting and seems larger than life, and nearly hopeless.

So, I'm going to sit, and cry if the tears will flow, and try to pray. And work to trust that Jesus sees and hears and holds me in this space, and not just in the joyful ones where I am able to perfectly fall in line with his voice.