Exposed

This finding freedom business is even harder work than I thought.

And there is yet more to walk through.

More things surfacing.

I'm feeling exhausted, raw, exposed, naked. In front of God, and a close trusted friend.

It's not a safe feeling yet, to stand so exposed, even in front of Jesus, who I know knew it anyway.

I pray one day it will be a safe place. I believe one day it will.

In the meantime, I'm committed to keep standing there.

Even when it seems to be tearing me apart.

Even when the rawest of wounds is being ripped open.

As a friend pointed out on the weekend, it's better than letting them fester.

And I continue to pray for broken things to be restored. People. Hearts. Relationships.

My heart has shattered, and there is yet more surfacing, more to walk through.

And yet, this freedom that seems to come at so high a cost, that seems to be so painful to achieve, is something my heart longs for, and so I keep walking, one tiny little halting, sometimes, limping, sometimes crawling step at a time, with many tears shed, towards it.

That Kind of Day

Have you ever used the "pieces of flair" application on facebook? A lot of them are hilarious. I came across this one this morning. "Some days it's just not worth chewing through the restraints."

I'm having that kind of day today.

Catching My Attention

The photograph at the beginning of this article. (And the article itself.)

This post at Drew's blog about pain and becoming whole.

This "To Write Love on Her Arms" post (and beautiful tattoo) at Ragamuffin Diva - the blog of one of my all-time favorite novelists. (I think I need to start working on getting that tattoo I've been wanting again - there's been a few awfully beautiful ones at Ragamuffin Diva these last couple weeks.)

Community and Solitude - Henri Nouwen

another challenging thought from Henri Nouwen...

Community Supported by Solitude

Solitude greeting solitude, that's what community is all about. Community is not the place where we are no longer alone but the place where we respect, protect, and reverently greet one another's aloneness. When we allow our aloneness to lead us into solitude, our solitude will enable us to rejoice in the solitude of others. Our solitude roots us in our own hearts. Instead of making us yearn for company that will offer us immediate satisfaction, solitude makes us claim our center and empowers us to call others to claim theirs. Our various solitudes are like strong, straight pillars that hold up the roof of our communal house. Thus, solitude always strengthens community.

On Freedom (addendum)

On Sunday, I wrote here about freedom.

I was chatting on the phone with my friend Faye tonight, catching up a little, and planning a time to see each other next week, and was rehearsing some of the thoughts I wrote on Sunday for her.

I complained that no one ever tells you that to get to freedom, you have to wade through a lot of crap first. That it's not quite the instantaneous thing that it's made out to be.

Faye offered a comment in response that I found quite insightful. She said that she thinks the reason that no one tells you that, is that most people will settle for pseudo-freedom. That very few actually do all the hard work to get to real freedom, and that therefore, they simply can't tell you how painful, and how much hard work it is to get there, because they've never really experienced it.

I think I'm thankful for friends like the one who sort of pushed me headlong into the mess I waded through on the weekend. And friends like Faye who offer insights like that. Because, despite the pain of getting there, I think I'd rather have the real thing than settle for pseudo-freedom. (Though it might be hard to get me to admit that the next time I find myself with another mountain of crap to wade through in the journey to ever-increasing freedom!)