Very Me...

My friend Rae took this photo of me at the zoo today. I really like it. That's my brand new journal I'm writing in, and my favorite scarf that I'm wearing. I was busy copying down a couple of quotes that were painted on a wall in one of the African exhibits. But I love the way I look in this photo, and I love what it says about who I am... It is very me.


And the quotes I was jotting down?

"Like water, be gentle and strong. Be gentle enough to follow the natural paths of the earth, and strong enough to rise up and reshape the world." (Brenda Peterson)

"Those who contemplate the beauty of the earth find reserves of strength that will endure as long as life lasts." (Rachel Carson)

An Aficionado of Wonder

My baby brother T., and I hung out last night. He leaves tomorrow to spend several weeks in England, and we wanted to spend some time together before he goes. We tried to go see the new movie "Kung Fu Panda", but by the time we got to the front of the line it was sold out. So we went to Blockbuster to see what we could rent instead. My only condition was that the movie needed to not be heavy in content. Yesterday was a brutal day, and I needed to watch something that would make me laugh. We ended up renting "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium" and, though we felt the ending was a bit abrupt, we loved it.

There was something that really stuck out to me in the midst of it, particularly after such a hard day. On the tombstone of one of the characters, one of the phrases that was used to describe him was "aficionado of wonder". I fell in love with that phrase.

I want to be an aficionado of wonder. A connoisseur if you will. One who revels in the moments of child-like delight and joy. In colors and sounds and simple things. I want to live a life marked by a sense of wonder.

I wasn't sure what kind of day today would be, particularly given the way yesterday went. Yesterday ended better than I'd expected. Time with T. was calming and brought some joy, but I just couldn't be sure.

So, I popped an emerald (a current favorite) stud into my nose. Put on a favorite t-shirt and jeans, and a funky white scarf, and headed out.

I went to the zoo with a good friend. We laughed and talked and took hundreds of photos between the two of us. (I took about 120, and she took about 180) She'd spent three weeks in Australia, and I'd spent a weekend in Ontario since we were last together. We both had stories ripe for sharing.

After several hours at the zoo, we headed downtown to China town, wandered there for a while, and then landed ourselves in a little, slowly becoming dilapidated, was once the jewel of downtown, mall called Eau Claire Market. Eau Claire Market has a very fun store run by some Tibetan's, and full of beautiful clothing, jewelry and merchandise from Nepal and Tibet. And, they were having a clearance sale. Two racks of very fun clothes - one item for $15, or two items for $20. I bought a truly unique and beautiful top, and a skirt.

But not just any skirt. A twirling skirt. I've had my eye out for a twirling skirt for quite a number of years now. A while back, whenever I'd talk with Jesus about freedom in my life, He'd show me this picture of myself wearing a beautiful skirt, twirling freely in a field. Spinning and dancing and full of joy. I've never found a skirt suited. I've never been in a mental and emotional and spiritual space that was free enough for twirling. But I think that place is coming soon, and I've stepped up my search for the perfect skirt recently. I bought it today. And, to make it truly fun, there are tiny bells attached to the hem of the skirt. It tinkles as I walk.

I want to be free. And I want to live the life of one who is an aficionado of wonder and joy.

I want to find wonder and joy in the simplest of moments. In strawberries, and laughing with a friend. In the abundance of tropical flowers we saw in the gardens at the zoo today, and the brilliant coloring of the peacocks that wander the grounds. In good deals at the bakery in Chinatown, and a wildly multi-colored skirt with tiny mirrors embroidered onto it and little silver bells hanging from the hem. In simple but delicious food, and a chocolate bar for dessert. In chats and phone calls with friends. In hugs. In praying with my baby brother, and in painting my toenails.

I want to life a full, rich life. To have it said of me after I die that "She was an aficionado of wonder."

This is one of my favorite flower shots from today:
For today at least, I'm in a little better space, full of wonder and joy, and maybe even peace. And for that I'm deeply grateful.

A Deep Sadness (I don't know what to say)

I’ve been thinking all morning about what I want to say here today.

This has been a particularly hard day. They happen. You wake up, and you just know that the day is going to be a long and heavy one. If you’re fortunate, you find a way for the “funk” to lift a bit as the day goes on, and make normal functioning an easier proposition.

If you’re lucky, you have a moment like I did, over your lunch hour, where, for a few minutes, something punches through and lets you laugh. In my case it was laughing at our bookkeeper, who was nearly choking from laughing so hard at a goofy joke someone told. (the joke? Okay, you did ask! Why don’t witches wear underwear? To get a better grip on their broomsticks!) Four of us sat there laughing, some with tears streaming down their faces. (I think it was one of those moments where you kind of had to be there to fully appreciate it, but it did bring a much needed brief reprieve from the weight that has settled so heavily upon me again today.)

I woke deeply sad, deeply exhausted, deeply unsettled.

I dreamt last night that I was watching someone pour themselves into something. Investing time, money, and much emotion into something they cared deeply about and being rejected at every turn. I kind of feel like that in some spheres of my life this last while.

I had a rather emotional conversation with my boss, at her request this morning. I guess the emotions weren’t really at her request, but the conversation was. She asked me if my depression was returning. I gave her an honest answer, one I’m not sure she knew what to do with, but an honest one nonetheless.

Tears are leaking out of me again today, at the most inopportune of moments. Talking with a friend, and again with my boss.

I wish the sobs would release. It’s been probably five years since I was able to truly sob the emotions that needed to be released. I need to be able to sob again.

I told a friend this morning that I just want to curl up in a ball on the floor and stay there until one of two things happens. That I wake up in heaven, or that Jesus comes to heal and restore. At this point I honestly don’t know which of the two options I’d prefer. I think I might be in that ball on the floor for a long time.

I'm asking the Lord to send spiritual friends and counsellors. I have many, but most live far away. I need people in my own city, with whom it is safe to be wholly me, without masks. The person with whom that is presently most safe, most possible, lives across the country from me.

I could use a hug today.

I don't know what to say. There are thousands of words, and there are equally none. Perhaps, over tea I could find the words, but for now, I just can't find words to write.

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He said (McCain), she said (Obama)

A Great Place Name

Purple Springs, Alberta.

Sounds beautiful doesn't it? Like a place that would be a good place to live.

I'm fairly certain it's a bump on the road in the middle of the prairie, but I do love the name.