A Deep Sadness (I don't know what to say)

I’ve been thinking all morning about what I want to say here today.

This has been a particularly hard day. They happen. You wake up, and you just know that the day is going to be a long and heavy one. If you’re fortunate, you find a way for the “funk” to lift a bit as the day goes on, and make normal functioning an easier proposition.

If you’re lucky, you have a moment like I did, over your lunch hour, where, for a few minutes, something punches through and lets you laugh. In my case it was laughing at our bookkeeper, who was nearly choking from laughing so hard at a goofy joke someone told. (the joke? Okay, you did ask! Why don’t witches wear underwear? To get a better grip on their broomsticks!) Four of us sat there laughing, some with tears streaming down their faces. (I think it was one of those moments where you kind of had to be there to fully appreciate it, but it did bring a much needed brief reprieve from the weight that has settled so heavily upon me again today.)

I woke deeply sad, deeply exhausted, deeply unsettled.

I dreamt last night that I was watching someone pour themselves into something. Investing time, money, and much emotion into something they cared deeply about and being rejected at every turn. I kind of feel like that in some spheres of my life this last while.

I had a rather emotional conversation with my boss, at her request this morning. I guess the emotions weren’t really at her request, but the conversation was. She asked me if my depression was returning. I gave her an honest answer, one I’m not sure she knew what to do with, but an honest one nonetheless.

Tears are leaking out of me again today, at the most inopportune of moments. Talking with a friend, and again with my boss.

I wish the sobs would release. It’s been probably five years since I was able to truly sob the emotions that needed to be released. I need to be able to sob again.

I told a friend this morning that I just want to curl up in a ball on the floor and stay there until one of two things happens. That I wake up in heaven, or that Jesus comes to heal and restore. At this point I honestly don’t know which of the two options I’d prefer. I think I might be in that ball on the floor for a long time.

I'm asking the Lord to send spiritual friends and counsellors. I have many, but most live far away. I need people in my own city, with whom it is safe to be wholly me, without masks. The person with whom that is presently most safe, most possible, lives across the country from me.

I could use a hug today.

I don't know what to say. There are thousands of words, and there are equally none. Perhaps, over tea I could find the words, but for now, I just can't find words to write.