This has thus far been a bitter-sweet sort of day.
One of those days that underscores the "oh crap I'm an adult" feeling that comes upon me from time to time.
There have been some special moments. Feeling comfortable enough in my own person to refuse a request at church this morning that I do something I didn't want to do today, and knew that I wasn't the right person to do. Hanging with my parents over lunch. Receiving a compliment from my dad. Going shopping with my mom and buying my first television and dvd player for my new house - that one made me feel very adult like!
There have been some slightly more painful moments. Knowing that I can't accept an offer of a place to live that I desperately want to accept because it doesn't fit well with the way I've structured my finances - it would cost too much, and I'd have to buy a car. I was praying earlier this week about the traveling I feel God has placed on my heart to do in the very near future, and as I was asking Him yet again how I was going to be able to afford it, feeling him increase a growing conviction on my heart that perhaps I didn't really need a car right now, and that, if I chose to forgo buying the car, I could use the significant chunk of savings I've put away for the car to do the traveling instead. Hurting, though to turn down the offer that was made to me. Trying to figure out how to be involved in an upcoming opportunity two nights a week without a car. Knowing though, that the traveling is from God and that it needs to be a priority. Grieving with a friend over some painful news she shared with me at a party last night.
A bit bittersweet today. And that's okay... the joys and sorrows co-mingled. "For the joy set before him, he endured the cross..." is the passage that comes to mind.
And with that, I'm off to make tea, light candles, and curl up to either read or watch a movie or both. I need to create some breathing space once again. There are some things I'm walking through right now which will probably never surface on this blog for public consumption, but which are drawing a great deal of energy and attention and care.
It's chilly in my basement home today, so I'm going to make tea and light candles, and breathe.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Still working to breathe
It hit me as I was traveling home from work on Friday, how very true in so many ways this week my statements about "remembering to breathe" have been.
There has been a catch in my physical breath all week. A heavyness and pain in the center of my chest that has made it difficult to pull in a full and deep and healing breath. Plus, my allergies have ramped up all week, draining from my sinuses and making it hard to catch a breath - making me cough and choke as I try to breathe in.
I'm feeling it this morning, the need to breathe deeply both physically and emotionally. I'm feeling the pain in my chest, and the heavyness of heart.
I'm off to church this morning, and finding myself wishing that I could have the people, without all of the fixings - without the religion. I'm so tired of the religion.
Ok... well, I need to go get ready for the day. After church I'm hanging with my mom - we're going shopping for a television. I'm looking forward to spending time with her after the week we've both had.
Lisa is remembering to breathe. That's what I'm going to keep reminding myself of today.
There has been a catch in my physical breath all week. A heavyness and pain in the center of my chest that has made it difficult to pull in a full and deep and healing breath. Plus, my allergies have ramped up all week, draining from my sinuses and making it hard to catch a breath - making me cough and choke as I try to breathe in.
I'm feeling it this morning, the need to breathe deeply both physically and emotionally. I'm feeling the pain in my chest, and the heavyness of heart.
I'm off to church this morning, and finding myself wishing that I could have the people, without all of the fixings - without the religion. I'm so tired of the religion.
Ok... well, I need to go get ready for the day. After church I'm hanging with my mom - we're going shopping for a television. I'm looking forward to spending time with her after the week we've both had.
Lisa is remembering to breathe. That's what I'm going to keep reminding myself of today.
Friday, August 24, 2007
Remembering to Breathe
My facebook status today reads, "Lisa is remembering to breathe."
That's how I feel. This has been an incredibly intense week, full of people, and deep, emotional, mental and spiritual things. I am exhausted.
This morning a daily reflection email that I receive from the Moravian church contained the following verse:
God alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. Psalm 62:6
I've been looking at that off and on all day, and feeling encouraged.
I'm reminding myself to slow down, to seek perspective, to not become lost in the things that seem overwhelming right now - in the swirl of my own thoughts.
I'm reminding myself to breathe. To breathe in life, and breathe out death. To breathe in peace and breathe out confusion and uncertainty. To breate in love and acceptance and breathe out hatred and rejection.
It's helping.
That's how I feel. This has been an incredibly intense week, full of people, and deep, emotional, mental and spiritual things. I am exhausted.
This morning a daily reflection email that I receive from the Moravian church contained the following verse:
God alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. Psalm 62:6
I've been looking at that off and on all day, and feeling encouraged.
I'm reminding myself to slow down, to seek perspective, to not become lost in the things that seem overwhelming right now - in the swirl of my own thoughts.
I'm reminding myself to breathe. To breathe in life, and breathe out death. To breathe in peace and breathe out confusion and uncertainty. To breate in love and acceptance and breathe out hatred and rejection.
It's helping.
Meeting God in the Poor - Henri Nouwen
Another great email from the Henri Nouwen society today...
Meeting God in the Poor
When we are not afraid to confess our own poverty, we will be able to be with other people in theirs. The Christ who lives in our own poverty recognises the Christ who lives in other people's. Just as we are inclined to ignore our own poverty, we are inclined to ignore others'. We prefer not to see people who are destitute, we do not like to look at people who are deformed or disabled, we avoid talking about people's pains and sorrows, we stay away from brokenness, helplessness, and neediness.
By this avoidance we might lose touch with the people through whom God is manifested to us. But when we have discovered God in our own poverty, we will lose our fear of the poor and go to them to meet God.
Meeting God in the Poor
When we are not afraid to confess our own poverty, we will be able to be with other people in theirs. The Christ who lives in our own poverty recognises the Christ who lives in other people's. Just as we are inclined to ignore our own poverty, we are inclined to ignore others'. We prefer not to see people who are destitute, we do not like to look at people who are deformed or disabled, we avoid talking about people's pains and sorrows, we stay away from brokenness, helplessness, and neediness.
By this avoidance we might lose touch with the people through whom God is manifested to us. But when we have discovered God in our own poverty, we will lose our fear of the poor and go to them to meet God.
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