Suddenly Sleepy

I’ve been hit by a sudden attack of that middle of the day exhaustion.

The sort where you find yourself staring blankly at the computer monitor in front of you on your desk, fighting to keep your eyes open, and to not drift off into happy oblivion.

Thankfully, there’s just over an hour left in my work day. I’m not sure I’d make it if it was much longer.

Just over an hour, than a ten minute walk to the train, 40 minutes or so on the train (probably a bit more given the stampede crowds that are having me transfer on the opposite end of downtown from where I normally do), a 15 minute walk to my house, and then supper, cleaning, and flopping down on the couch to watch Grey’s Anatomy or The West Wing on my laptop for a couple hours before bed.

Hope Rising

There is an inexplicable stirring of hope in the deep places of my soul today.

It is unexpected, but so very welcome after several days of seemingly hopeless darkness.

I needed to hear this

A Time to Receive and a Time to Give

It is important to know when we can give attention and when we need attention. Often we are inclined to give, give, and give without ever asking anything in return. We may think that this is a sign of generosity or even heroism. But it might be little else than a proud attitude that says: "I don't need help from others. I only want to give." When we keep giving without receiving we burn out quickly. Only when we pay careful attention to our own physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual needs can we be, and remain, joyful givers.

There is a time to give and a time to receive. We need equal time for both if we want to live healthy lives.

I really needed to hear these words from Henri Nouwen. The last several months I've come to a place of carefully limiting the amount of time in my life spent "giving." I've burnt out in the past from giving without having anywhere to receive. I've also learned that if I'm constantly giving I have no reserves left to walk through my own struggles, and usually end up in a puddle of tears, or sick in bed.

I love that we are designed to be reciprocal beings. Such a beautiful sense of balance designed into our very nature and into creation itself.

Something I'm Loving Right Now

Okay, so this may be the most trivial post ever, but you have to head for your local grocery store and see if you can find these:

Two-bit Trail-Mix Soft Baked Cookies.

Cranberries, walnuts, sunflower seeds, coconut, rolled oats, with yogurt drizzle.

So good.

Seriously. RUN out and buy these. Don't walk. Run. You'll love them.

Hiding

I've been trying for days to come up with words for what I've been thinking and feeling lately. I can't yet. I'm completely exhausted - physically, emotionally, spiritually. Most of the time I feel like I'm just barely clinging to my sanity. Just talking about some of the stuff going on in my life in casual conversation is enough to bring me to tears. My whole body is tense and achy, and I'm wondering about the merits of many, many decisions I've made in recent moments. My stomach has rebelled, and I'm eating in tiny amounts, maybe once or twice a day (with some snacks thrown in to keep my blood sugar up.) The last two times I've spoken with my mom, (once on the phone, once in person) I've burst out sobbing and taken several minutes to stop. Fear is running rampant, and I'm not even sure how to fight it anymore.

I should probably take an evening off, but I may have to go somewhere to do that in a relaxing fashion, as sitting in my new house just makes me look at all the boxes that still need to be unpacked, the organizing that still needs to be done, and I can't sit with it all staring me in the face.

I'm clinging desperately to Jesus. He feels distant, and my peace seems long gone.

I'm working to find the positive and beautiful things in this, but right now I'm having a hard time seeing them.

At least I've talked to a couple people in the last few days who experienced similar things the first time they were out on their own. One friend admitted to me that she rang up a $100 plus dollar long distance bill the first week after she moved away to university.

So, eventually, I'll write everything down, it'll be cathartic, and I'll be free. For the moment, I'm hiding a little bit, even from myself.