From My Journal...

I was reading some journal entries from the last couple months as I was curled up in bed late last night. I came across a passage that struck me as continuing to express great truths about where I find myself on this journey right now. So, without further ado, here's a peek into the private pages of my "paper journal"...

I remain continually overwhelmed by the complex and beautiful simplicity of the bargain Jesus offers - my messed up life for something so much fulfilling. My brokenness for His healing. This beautiful knowingness of being loved, accepted, gathered into the arms of someone who will not let anything separate me from Him.

I never believed it was possible to actually experience the love of Christ. To move from a theoretical head knowledge to a deep heart knowledge, and yet, I meet that love on a daily basis, and it convinces me that I have value - a beauty that is my own to offer to the world, and that, in itself, is a miracle.

Henri Nouwen on Words

Words That Become Flesh

Words are important. Without them our actions lose meaning. And without meaning we cannot live. Words can offer perspective, insight, understanding, and vision. Words can bring consolation, comfort, encouragement and hope. Words can take away fear, isolation, shame, and guilt. Words can reconcile, unite, forgive, and heal. Words can bring peace and joy, inner freedom and deep gratitude. Words, in short, can carry love on their wings. A word of love can be the greatest act of love. That is because when our words become flesh in our own lives and the lives of others, we can change the world.

Jesus is the word made flesh. In him speaking and acting were one.

Flesh Become Word

The word must become flesh, but the flesh also must become word. It is not enough for us, as human beings, just to live. We also must give words to what we are living. If we do not speak what we are living, our lives lose their vitality and creativity. When we see a beautiful view, we search for words to express what we are seeing. When we meet a caring person, we want to speak about that meeting. When we are sorrowful or in great pain, we need to talk about it. When we are surprised by joy, we want to announce it!

Through the word, we appropriate and internalize what we are living. The word makes our experience truly human.

Words That Create Community

The word is always a word for others. Words need to be heard. When we give words to what we are living, these words need to be received and responded to. A speaker needs a listener. A writer needs a reader.

When the flesh - the lived human experience - becomes word, community can develop. When we say, "Let me tell you what we saw. Come and listen to what we did. Sit down and let me explain to you what happened to us. Wait until you hear whom we met," we call people together and make our lives into lives for others. The word brings us together and calls us into community. When the flesh becomes word, our bodies become part of a body of people.

A Pretty Good Day

I'm having a pretty good day.

My parents are home. They got home last night. It helped to talk through some of the stuff that's been going on for the last couple weeks with my mom. I'm feeling somewhat more confident and encouraged today.

I've been working on church administrative stuff today. Catching up on the stuff that I didn't get done over the week. Enjoying a quiet house. Snacking. Doing a couple of errands. Watching Grey's Anatomy Season 1 on DVD. Reading Harry Potter.

I have to cook supper soon. The meal I planned for last night - we ordered Vietnamese takeout instead.

I like these kinds of days. Slow, without massive amounts of direction. Lots of time to just breathe.

Budgeting

I've spent the last little while looking at numbers. Trying to figure out a bit of an approximate budget for the next while, since I'm moving out and my expenses are increasing by quite a bit.

Honestly, I've gone out of my way for a very long time to avoid having to budget in a carefully planned fashion. I hate numbers of any sort. In fact, I'm on a quest to find a t-shirt I once saw in a store. It said "I'm too pretty to do math" on the front of it.

This is not easy budgeting to do, either, as I have no particular figures to base what the costs of things like food are going to be. I've never lived on my own - I don't know how to anticipate or figure out what the costs are going to be. I don't know what the incidentals are that I'm not expecting.

I'm hoping for a good raise at my job in September at my one year review. They're underpaying me quite a bit compated to the Calgary job market. I'd really like to stay - though I have a hard time with some of the people, I like my boss - we have a great working relationship. However, if I don't make a bit better money, I'll have to look elsewhere, a prospect I also don't relish...

Numbers are stressful. I think I'll probably talk through the whole budgeting thing with my mom when she gets home. This is ironic, as I've worked to keep her completely uninvolved in my finances over the last year. But, she's managed the family budget for years, and since this is very definitely not my strength, I'm going to get some help with it.

Off-Kilter

This has been a very disgruntled, off-kilter, uncertain couple of weeks, and this morning I’m feeling the effects of that.

I drank a cup of tea (passion tea from Starbucks – one of my favorites) and that seems to be helping.

My head feels stuffy – full of cotton batting. My brain is functioning very slowly, and I feel like I'm existing from one sugar rush to the next.

I am fighting off numerous little physical ailments – mostly stress related.

Overnight the poplar trees birthed cotton into the air, and my normal spring and summer allergies have stepped into high gear.

I’m moving in just over a week, and haven’t started packing. Time to get on that I guess. (Though the very idea of that is stressful at this moment.)

My parents come home tomorrow. One of the great ironies of my life is that I find it very difficult to live in my parents home, and yet, I can’t wait for them to be home this time. Partly because of the number of stressful life events that have gone on in the three weeks they’ve been overseas.

Because my parents come home tomorrow, my evening will be spent cleaning our house. It’s not terrible, but lots of little things. We’ve had company using their bed while they’ve been away, so I have to wash their sheets. I need to wash the towels in the bathroom, clean our fridge, put the clean dishes away, wipe the counters, clean the bathroom, and water the flower beds. I also need to clean my own space in preparation for packing and moving.

I’ve been hiding out in novels these last couple weeks. I think I’m on my fourth Harry Potter novel since a week ago today. Plus some other light reading and lots of mindless television in between.

I’m missing certain friends who are far away right now, and at the same time am kind of glad I don’t have to see them, as they tend to draw the honest things out of me, and the honest things in my life right now are pretty painful and ugly and fear-laced. They’re the reason I’ve been watching way more mindless television than normal and reading novels like they’re going out of style.

I’m having mood swings of immense proportions. From great excitement and jubilee to the pits of fear and exhaustion.

I’ve asked myself the “am I depressed” question with a lot more regularity these last two weeks.

I’ve worked to remind myself of the things that are beautiful, happy and good. It’s been hard to cling to them.

I’m hanging on to a promise that God gave to Abram in a vision – a promise that a friend prayed over me early this year, and that Jesus has confirmed over and over these last months. From this promise comes my tattoo idea (which is still being drawn.)

Genesis 15:1 – God’s Covenant with Abram
After this, the word of the Lord came to Abram in a vision: “Do not be afraid, Abram. I am your shield, your very great reward.”