No title to wrap it into a neat little bow

This is bound to be one of those slightly more random entries that I'm famous for.

I want to start with an anonymous quote I found on Cameron Conant's blog today. I thought it was particularly interesting: "Why do we hide our poor and kill our prophets?" This, I think, is a really good question, though I admit that it touches raw nerves in my mind - things opened and unresolved from a variety of conversations over the past weeks.

This has been an odd week thus far, filled with things that cannot be said in this public forum, because it will not protect those that I am caring for. I am learning about all kinds of unique crises, and have spent at least some time researching on the internet or reading psychology textbooks for insights into my next steps.

I am frustrated this week with how very little it seems to matter that I am pouring so much of my life and energy into some of these women. Two steps forward and seventeen steps back. And I wonder where precisely God sees this as useful, healthy or good. But he hasn't given me permission to step back. So I'm still here.

I'm wrestling with a sense of betrayal and deception this week, as things have come to light. Things that I was deliberately deceived about. I'm wondering where to draw the lines of friendship, because I desperately want to treat this woman as a friend, but am ever aware of the fact that she does not respond in kind - her response is grasping and laden with drama. I'm tired of the drama, but cannot allow this friend to slip from a category of friend to a category of "ministry." If our relationship becomes nothing but "ministry" then I will begin to resent the weight it places upon me, and I will begin to resent God for placing that weight on my shoulders. It is acceptable to pour the time and energy that I have given into a friendship, and for my own sanity I must continue to class this as friendship.

I'm leaving soon on a mission trip to Mexico with my church and YWAM here in the city - we leave in about a month. It will be the first "mission" trip that I've made. For those of you who have been reading here for a while, you know that I struggle with fears. The reality that I'm actually making this trip came home to roost yesterday, and I can feel the onslaught of fear attached to that. I particularly struggle with fear of the unfamiliar - my already disturbed sleeping patterns get far worse when I'm not in my own bed - I lose sleep even over spending the night at a good friend's home, or at a hotel for a vacation or retreat. I fear new situations with people, and meeting new people - and there will be a lot of both. I feel increasingly inadequate as a human being - like I have very little to offer. I'm nervous about travelling across the continent for 10 days or so with a group of people that I've mostly never met before (although I'm thankful that some very good friends are going). I'm also concerned that I will be able to afford the trip, as my hours have been cut at work for the next month. I guess I mention it because it very suddenly became real yesterday - I am actually doing this. The fear can get out of control quickly - anxiety attacks, particularly at night are not uncommon. I have fairly successfully fought this battle at times, but it has intensified of late as I've walked into a greater number of new and uncomfortable situations both personally and in the lives of the people I'm caring for. Pray for me as I battle these fears over the next while. They are not new, and I would love to see breakthrough in this area.

Last night was somewhat sleepless. But then, that hasn't been all that unusual lately.

And with all that said, I'm off to dress for work and head out. It will take longer to get there today because an awful lot of snow fell overnight.

school...

Found this on a random blog I stumbled across. I thought it was pretty true, if possibly somewhat overstated! For me, peopel keep asking how I'm liking the freedom of not being in school. The thing is, I love school. If I could be financially independent and be a student for the rest of my life, then that would be my ideal career. Especially if my grades didn't matter and I didn't have to worry too much about deadlines so I could just really enjoy myself and learn only the things that were particularly fascinating or useful.

Not Much Is New

I haven't posted in a few days again. It's because my life continues in a vein of very private wrestles. I've been writing, but not things that can ever appear here. Things that have dealt with the very personal struggles some friends are facing, and my response to those struggles. Things that have dealt with my own very personal wounds - wounds that are not yet in a place of healing or recovery that will allow them to be exposed to the broader world.

I've been quite sick again. I mean, really, it was mid October when I first got sick. And I've been ill pretty much constantly since then. This time it's a full blown cold that has settled in my throat and chest, leaving me coughing and hacking constantly. I'm drinking ridiculous amounts of water to keep my throat from drying out and making the coughing worse. It's just one of those things. Last night I had a fairly high fever, and chills and all the fun stuff that goes with it. No one ever told me how hard it is to be sick for months at a time. I'm getting pretty tired of it. I just want to feel good again - to be able to go out with friends and not have to think about whether I'm physically up to staying out late, to being outside for a prolonged time, that kind of thing.

Okay, now that I've had my whining moment, let me go on to say that there have been pocket of grace moments in this week. Moments when God's presence as I spoke and ministered was undeniable. And that makes everything worthwhile!

You MUST listen to this

I've been meaning to stick this up all week. You MUST listen to this radio broadcast. I'm telling everyone I know. I've mentioned Renee Altson before - her book Stumbling Toward Faith has played a profound role in my own spiritual journey over the last year or so. Anyway, Renee was interviewed on a radio program last weekend. The interview was fantastic, but the quality of the program surprised me as well.

So, go to this link. And choose to listen to the February 10/11 broadcast. You won't regret it.

Negligent at Updating

I know. I know. I haven't posted here in too long.

The trouble is, stuff has been happening in my life that has not been very motivating to write about. In some ways I'm still recovering emotionally from that week a couple of weeks ago. I'm also still recovering my physical health (although I am doing quite a lot better!)

The stuff that's been going on has been mean and ugly, and hard to define. I can name the emotion - anger - but not necessarily the reasons for the emotion, or the things I'm angry at. The result has been an incessantly grouchy (or worse - the "b" word!) mood. I went out last night in the kind of mood that would have easily let me snap someone's head off. Probably not the best mood to go to a small group church work project in! But, cleaning that awful Christmas closet was good for getting out my aggression, and one of my good friends sat patiently as I verbally processed my week and vented some of my emotions. And I did feel a little better afterwards.

There have been some good things. The smiles on a few people's faces at church Sunday night. The venting session last night. One friend is still sober. Another let us come up with a game plan to get her out of a potentially abusive and dangerous situation with the minimum of time and harm. I got a great haircut yesterday. I bought myself some good quality makeup a few weeks ago, and I'm really happy with the way I've looked lately. I've felt pretty. The laugh when I walked through the greeting card aisle at the drug store on Monday, and found a row of approximately 10 men and 1 woman frantically studying the valentines cards. (Most of the men were also clutching heart-shaped chocolate boxes as well!) The rush of patriotic emotion watching a Canadian speed skater realize she won a bronze medal at the Olympics this afternoon. I'm hanging out with another good friend on Friday morning. I have the weekend off work. One of my clients tomorrow night is a very close friend and her fiance. I found two really great sweaters for only $5 a piece, and two really great tops as well (for somewhat more money.) I'm trying to remember these things, because this has been one of those weeks where a negative funk seems to hover over me, despite attempts to combat it, and I'm tired and angry, and frustrated with a number of situations both professional and personal. God, help me to remember the smiles, and the things that made me smile.

But, as an example of how my week has gone, let me leave you with this:
I was in the drugstore on Monday, buying bus tickets before work. I was carrying a 1 litre waterbottle with me, to use during my shift. As I was leaving the cash desk, the water bottle slipped from my hands. Now, this is supposed to be an unbreakable water bottle. But, my unbreakable water bottle shattered all over the drugstore floor, dumping a litre of water in the high traffic area right in front of the cashier, on a busy day, delaying me, and embarrassing me to no end.