Shut Down

Thanks for praying for me over the weekend. It was understandly one of the most difficult weekends of my life.

I am home today because I've called in sick to work. I'm exhausted and ill. I'm sporting a lovely bruise across the bridge of my nose from a collision with a child's head while watersliding with her. My nose is rather swollen. I look somewhat odd. I am taking a few days to regain health, strength and perspective.

What I'm trying to say is that it was both significant and extremely challenging weekend, and I need a little more time than I thought I would to begin to write about this. It would be wrong for me to begin describing it now - in the moments when inaccurate emotions tempered by exhaustion are still very close to controlling me. For those of you who were praying - I'm grateful. For those of you who held me, hugged me, emailed me, and made your caring support known - I wouldn't have survived this without you - and you can probably expect an update somewhat sooner than it will appear on the blog.

Basically, this post is to tell you that it will be until late today, or even another day or two before I can begin to put words around the experiences and times of grieving, learning, and fun. Before the conversations and events begin to form themselves into something meaningful rather than the overwhelming swirl that they are at the present moment. But I will be back in a few days.

In the meantime, I covet your continued prayers as I seek restoration of my body and mind in these next days. I continue to beg you to uphold my friend in your prayers as she faces the one week anniversary of her mother's death tomorrow, as she settles back into the routines of life and work.

In Song

Okay, so I know I wasn't going to post until Sunday or Monday, but I had a few minutes this morning, and this was too good to leave.

I think God is speaking to me in single song lyrics. Does He do that? Because it seems kind of random. But I've been woken up before my alarm twice this week by single lines from songs, that seemed to set a theme for the day or answer a question I hadn't even given voice to.

On Tuesday, the day that my friend's mom died, I woke up with the line, "Thy Mercy my God is the theme of my song, the joy of my heart and the boast of tongue..." from a Caedmon's Call song playing through my mind. I needed to spend that day meditating on His mercy. It gave me something to cling to in the aftermath of the next few days.

This morning it was a single line from a Rita Springer song, who, by the way, I only discovered this week, because I was informed that I would not want to miss Tehillah Monday because she was playing. So I went, and I didn't want to miss it, and then a friend loaned me her CD and I've been loving it these last couple days. But anyway, I woke up with the single line, "It's gonna be worth it..." playing through my head this morning. And it seems to be the answer to the question I haven't even dared to voice thus far. The question that asks if it really is worth it to invest all this time into someone so broken? If visiting her today, which is sure to increase my level of stress and discomfort for the next couple of days is worth the effects on my own health and stability? And God seems to be saying, "Yes! It's going to be worth it!"

Okay then. Here's to God waking me up with the answers to unasked questions, and themes for my days. And here's to Him doing it in music, rather than in vague and somewhat disturbing dreams!

God, I stand here with open hands before you, longing to receive. Thank you for the answer. I needed that this morning! Pour your blessings and wisdom on the days before me. Use me as vessel of Your love and light. I am so amazed by the things you have done in my life. I am amazed to be woken by you. I love you. Abba, I belong to you.

The Plan

I actually slept last night. About 6 hours. Without too many nightmares. It was much needed sleep. I was far less foggy today.

I worked for about 6.5 hours today. It was boring, but I didn't need to engage my brain too heavily, and that worked well for my state of mind. After work I got to spend about an hour and a half drinking cider and walking around the resevoire with a very old and dear friend. It's been far too long since we've had unlimited time together, and today was no exception, but it was such fun to just hang out with her and catch up on each other's lives.

Tonight, I'm doing the things that need to be done so that I can leave town for three days tomorrow morning. My friend is picking me up at 11, and we're headed out to see our friend for a few hours, before swinging back through the city to pick up another friend and head to the mountains for our church retreat weekend. That's where I'll be for the next few days. I probably won't be blogging until Sunday night at the very earliest, because we will be going straight from the retreat to the funeral on Sunday afternoon.

I know I've said this, and that many of you are already praying, but I can't say it enough. We greatly covet your prayers as we seek to minister to our friend tomorrow afternoon. I greatly covet your continued prayers as I continue to walk out life with this friend in the days following the funeral. I could not be more greatful for, or more reliant on your prayers than I am at this moment, when I am so clearly at the end of my own strength. I have every confidence that God will give me the wisdom and grace necessary in the very moments I need it over these next days, but I continue to rely on your prayers for my health and strength and abilities.

With that said, I'm off to pack, and return a couple of phone calls. I'll see you all Sunday night, or early next week!

On Hold

I know I promised a well-written account of the things God has done in my life in this last while. But it seems to be on hold for the moment. Circumstances have once again intervened.

For the next while, I'm going to be busy educating myself on things like grief and post-traumatic stress. I'm going to be walking with a very broken young woman as she begins to face the loss of the mother she had only recently begun to rebuild a relationship with.

I find myself exhausted today. It has been emotionally trying. There weren't tears when she called me with the news last night, but there were definitely tears this morning. I got very little sleep last night, thanks to a few nightmares and a mind that just refused to quiet and rest. I'm once again battling the illness that has been recurrent since mid-October, and would greatly appreciate any prayers for my own physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health in these next days. I am very aware of my own vulnerability as I step into what promises to be a greatly intensified series of struggles and crises with my friend.

My thoughts are far from telling my own story tonight. They are focused intensely on my role in the here and now. I was blessed to only have to work three hours instead of eight today. My boss took one look at me, listened to my story, and rearranged the schedule to allow me to leave at four this afternoon. I took some time when I got home to crash for a little while. It was very needed.

I've passed funeral details along to all the appropriate people, and now I'm going to lay in a bubble bath, with a Bible, a pen, a couple of emails of encouragement that arrived for me today, and a novel. I need to take the time to restore my own soul before I step into the challenges that are sure to come over the next few days and weeks.

I'll be away for the weekend, so blogging will be scarce for the next several days. My church is having a retreat weekend, and I'll be there. I'll also be visiting my friend on Friday, to spend some time caring for her, and give her a break from the tense family situation that she's facing in the wake of her mom's death. Another friend has agreed to drive out to see her with me, and he and I would greatly appreciate your prayers as we seek to care for her and love her for a few hours. The funeral is Sunday afternoon, and I'd love your prayers for that day as well.

Grief and Prayers

I received a call about a half an hour ago. My friend's mom passed away this evening, after battling cancer for much of the last few years. I feel helpless, an hour away from my friend (her mom was in a small rural hospital for these last few months.) I'm wishing I was with her so that I could wrap her in my arms and cry with her.

I would covet your prayers for her and her family in these next days. I would covet too your prayers for my own wisdom as I seek to support, love and uphold my friend through this time. The loss is huge, the timing is never right here on earth.