Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 80

Today's Daily 5:

1. 1 year, 80 days of making these lists
2. a long, hot shower
3. late night smiles
4. productivity
5. sunshine
6. green grapes
7. wearing a remembrance day poppy
8. eavesdropping on nursing students on the bus
9. taking time to read things I really enjoy
10. daydreaming about reading projects to come
11. feeling like there are things in life to enjoy and anticipate - that life is more than just something that beats me up day after day
12. needing sunglasses in November (even if I also needed to be wearing a jacket and down vest)
13. mini Kit Kat bar
14. catching sight of the mountains in the distance
15. "If you think about it, we'd all be millionaires if we, like, didn't have to pay any bills."
16. wearing a favorite colorful scarf
17. recognizing ways God was working when I least expected it
18. 10 minute yoga
19. perogies and farmer's sausage
20. encouraging emails at just the right moment
21. getting a ride home
22. sipping tea
23. sorting and planning
24. escapist television
25. melatonin that buys me some sleep most nights

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 79

Today's Daily 5:

1. really cute twin girls on the bus this morning, chorusing, "thank you bus driver" as they disembarked with their nanny
2. a relatively good sleep last night for the first time in a while
3. starting the morning slowly
4. toast with butter and jam
5. sunshine
6. getting a few quick errands done
7. reading on the bus again
8. finishing a book
9. my neck pillow
10. a mug of rooibos tea in my own room, in a new mug I bought specifically for that purpose
11. This quote from an old episode of Grey's Anatomy: "At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate."
12. getting a bit of cleaning done
13. watching escapist television and laughing as I realized that the book I'd just finished reading was causing me to talk back to the television in a very snarky tone
14. candles lit around the room
15. making a plan for the day, and actually accomplishing the tasks I set for myself
16. talking politics as supper with mom and dad

Not About Me

A while ago a dear friend of me sent me a link to a post that Sarah Markley had written.  I loved the post, and immediately subscribed to Sarah's blog, and have been loving it ever since.

Late last week Sarah posted this post "It's SO not About Me".

And oh, boy, do I identify.

I work to hide it, and I rarely vocalize it, but I'm totally insecure.

If I haven't heard back from a friend about something, I do not immediately assume that they're busy or out of town.  My thoughts immediately go to, "I must have done something," or "they're avoiding me" or "I'm an obligation and they don't really want to spend time with me."

And then I talk myself down to "oh, they're really busy, or out of town or whatever."  Sort of successfully.

It's almost never totally successful until I actually hear from that person that they've been busy or away or whatever.

I liked Sarah's solution of offering grace.

Lately, the big lesson has been learning to offer that to myself. 

To have the security to believe that I am loved.  That my friends aren't friends with me because it's an obligation.  That I am surrounded by people who are loving on me, caring for me, and supporting me.

It's a lesson in grace - and a reminder "It's not about me."

Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 78

Today's Daily 5:

1. Watching the clock flip from 11:59 p.m. to 12:00 a.m. and welcoming November 1st
2. Starting this 5th anniversary with a text message from a dear friend
3. knowing deep joy and peace
4. A beautiful book sent from a friend, inscribed to me by the artist, so specially appropriate for today
5. having flexible plans
6. "If the impact doesn't kill you, the sharks will"
7. tea this afternoon with a long-time friend
8. a lovely handmade collage/card from that friend (one of the few who was at the big party I threw to celebrate the first anniversary of healing all those years ago!)
9. getting the news that I had been hired for a job I'm quite excited to do
10. receiving an anniversary text from my dear friend and former roommate L, currently living in the UK
11. Feeling well enough tonight to go out for the evening (not bad since earlier in the day I'd been feeling very unwell from some food I ate yesterday)
12. the twinkling lights downtown
13. eating Subway for dinner - I haven't had it in ages... so good
14. a brief text message exchange with my friend J. - the friend who was with me in the car 5 years ago tonight, who let Jesus use him in my life so powerfully that night
15. attending a "Concert of Hope" - seemed an appropriate way to end the evening - hearing about ministry themed around hope, and worshiping
16. kazoos - nothing quite so funny as a great song with a kazoo solo!
17. time to simply sit and pray for friends today
18. comfy clothes
19. a hug from a friend
20. one last night's break from Grandma's house

I Know Hope

I greeted the arrival of November 1st late last night, laying in bed and watching the clock flip slowly from 11:59 to 12:00.  I watched one of my least favorite days of the year end, and one of the the most special days in my year begin.  And there was deep peace and joy in acknowledging that the threshold had been crossed - that I'd reached that five year mark of healing that seemed so elusive at times.

A few minutes past midnight and my phone buzzed with a text message - a dear friend in a different country and time zone had been quietly keeping vigil too, and had waited up to send me a message celebrating 5 years of healing.

I've told the story before - of that night when I sat in a dark car with a good friend, and encountered God in a profoundly new way.

It's part of the dialogue of my life, this day.  November 1st. 

And it's been 5 years since that night in the car with my friend.  5 years since God intervened.

I'd lived with depression for 7 or so years.  Every time I thought it couldn't get worse, that my existence couldn't become darker, it did.  There had been a few brief reprieves, but nothing lasting.  Despair and hopelessness were the emotions of the moment.  The few prayers I still prayed were either colored with anger at God, or exhausted begging.  I had good Christian guilt and would never have taken my own life, but I spent many a night trying desperately to sleep and begging God that this would be the night where any waking I did would be in Heaven.

Five years ago today my life changed.

It took me several months to understand the scope of that.  To really be able to trust that it was true when I voiced the words, "I've been healed."

They have actually been five of the hardest years of my life.  Many of them marked with days and weeks where I wondered if I would actually reach another anniversary of healing and still be able to say, "By God's grace I'm depression free."

This year has had many of those days and moments too.

But the overwhelming hopelessness that marked the days of depression has never returned.

And as I pause to mark this day, that is perhaps the greatest gift.

To know hope, even in the darkest places that I've walked and walk.

Today, I'm pausing to celebrate hope.  Hope and healing, and a God who carries both and offers them as irrevocable gifts.  A God who has offered those to me, and continues to teach me to stand in them, to delight in them.

It's been 5 years.

The cast of characters in my life has changed time and time again.  Those who celebrated with me at year 1 are scattered.  The friend who was with me that night is one I rarely see or hear from these days.  Life today looks nothing like what I'd envisioned five years ago, or even one year ago.

But God has been faithful as I journey.

And I know hope.