Snowing

It's snowing, and has been for several hours.

The roads that I can see from my office window don't look too bad, and we thankfully didn't have rain or wet snow first, to coat the roads with ice the way they were on Friday.

Who knows how long it'll take me to get home today. Or more accurately, to my parent's house, since I need to return their vehicle and then get a ride to go and pick up George from the mechanic.

I'm leaving the office a bit early, so hopefully that will help.

From Miscellaneous Emails

Because I am a collector of words and quotes and history, I'm on quite a few daily email lists. Here are a few bits and pieces from the last few days...

A quote from Mother Teresa: "Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing." (I think I'll try to smile a little more often...)

I liked this paragraph of thoughts that appeared in today's "Saint of the Day" email, about St. Andrew, one of the apostles. "As in the case of all the apostles except Peter and John, the Gospels give us little about the holiness of Andrew. He was an apostle. That is enough. He was called personally by Jesus to proclaim the Good News, to heal with Jesus' power and to share his life and death. Holiness today is no different. It is a gift that includes a call to be concerned about the Kingdom, an outgoing attitude that wants nothing more than to share the riches of Christ with all people." (I like this description of holiness...)

Sleep, panic, and into the week...

Last week was really hard. The weekend was also hard. This week is not looking much better, though there are thankfully quite a few less plans for my evenings this week, meaning it is likely that I will be able to at least hibernate through the evenings to catch up on my mental and emotional drain.

I fell asleep last night amidst tearful whispered prayers. "Jesus I just can't stand in that gap, I can't pray tonight, I can't be that intercessor tonight. I will, you know I will, but can I please just have one night off? One night of sleep without dreaming or hours of waking to pray in ways I don't quite understand?"

I'm thankful that I was, in fact, able to sleep for several hours without dreaming or the intensity of prayer. I would have been okay if it hadn't happened, but I was oh so thankful it did.

The forecast for tonight is similar to Friday night's havoc creating weather. I read that and panic rose within me. I'm still shaky from Friday evening, and I am hoping that tonight will be nothing at all like that. I am still pushing away the panic, reminding myself that I am shielded and protected, and, more practically, that we won't know what the weather will be like until the time to drive home comes at the end of the day, and what will I gain by worrying? Panic is not a particularly practical thing, nor does it respond well to the practical, but I am fighting it with every tool at my disposal today, and the practical is one of them.

And so another week begins. Another week of choosing differently. Of fighting to be joyful. Of choosing life. And it is not at all easy, but perhaps it will grow easier with time, as patterns change and habits shift. And in the meantime, I'll somehow summon the energy to continue to fight for it. To fight for me.

Daily 5 - Day 109

It's another day with a 9 in the counting of it. Two actually, if you consider that it is not only day 109 of these daily 5 lists, but also the 29th of November.

This has been an incredibly challenging weekend. Full of fears and facing fears, and standing in the midst of them. Some things that are good. Some that were just hard. I've been fighting tears all day. Not because of anything in particular, but simply because I am completely and totally spent. The entirety of last week was full and busy, one of the busiest in weeks. It was one of the hardest weeks at my office in months, and the weekend was very, very full of challenges. And I am reminding myself that it is okay to be spent after a time like that. That even a "normal" person would be spent, and that my health and energy levels are still compromised from two straight years of intensity, and I am only slowly recovering, and that it is okay to simply be tired today.

And so, I'm writing a daily "5" (not sure how many I'll accumulate today), and reminding myself of the moments of joy, the moments or things that made me smile, touched my heart deeply in some way, or for which I am deeply grateful:

1. I attended mass tonight at the cathedral downtown, as I sometimes do. It was lovely to sit again in the midst of quiet ritual and let the liturgy flow over me. I arrived about half an hour early, and sat in the quiet, prayerful church, fingering the rosary I bought nearly two years ago now at the Vatican, and letting my heart slowly quiet and seek out Jesus.
2. I was moved deeply by the older Indian lady who sat next to me during mass. Moved as I noticed her devotion, the way she fingered her rosary and wiped tears from her eyes as she knelt to pray after receiving the Eucharist.
3. I was moved by this post, these prayers, at shallowfrozenwater today.
4. I am thankful for the prayers of a friend last night. We've never spoken of the promise of shielding me that Jesus made to me a while back. Of the those things, but as we prayed together last night, and he prayed for me, he prayed simply that Jesus would teach me how to hold my shield. Words that spoke deeply to my heart, since he couldn't know of the promise they touched on.
5. I'm thankful for "The Feast of Seasons" - Steve Bell's Advent/Christmas album. Years of working in retail have left me with mostly disgust for Christmas music, but this album soothes the soul whenever I play it, at any time of year, but particularly as advent begins.
6. I'm thankful for the arrival of Advent (though I suppose I dread the pull of it as well). For the new year in the church calendar that it enters in.
7. I'm thankful for the moments where I am slowly learning to be gentle with myself. To not berate myself for simply wanting to fall apart in exhaustion. To not succumbing to overwhelming fear in the moments when I am so exhausted and teary and broken that those things mark something larger, perhaps a return of depression, rather than simply being the results of an incredibly challenging week.
8. I'm thankful that my parents live nearby, and were willing to loan me a car for the day tomorrow while George is being repaired, making in unnecessary for me to triple the length of my commute by taking public transit.
9. I'm thankful for a short chat with my brother this afternoon, laughing about his school work, and just generally enjoying a few minutes of each other's company.
10. I'm thankful that I made it to number 10 on this list! That there were 10 things that moved me or made me smile or made my heart thankful today. So many days it is such a challenge to find those 10, and today, despite the exhaustion was relatively easy, and that, too, is a blessing.
    

2500

I sort of feel like my 25ooth post should be something deeply profound.

But, I've got nothing.

I had a rough night again, full of dreams and prayers and odd experiences, and I'm feeling unsettled, uneasy, and just generally uncertain of what this day will hold.

I'm headed out shortly to attend another cooking demonstration.

The plans for after that are pretty low key, though sometime, late this afternoon, I'll drive to my parents, pick up my winter tires, and then one of them will follow me to the mechanic I use, where I'll drop off George to spend tomorrow being repaired, and borrow a vehicle from my parents so that my trip to and from work tomorrow is still smooth as well.

Other than that, I'm debating the possibility of attending mass tonight at the cathedral I sometimes go to. It's the first Sunday of Advent (more thoughts on that later, perhaps) and I am feeling drawn towards mass and remembering and preparing again.