I am propped up in bed. With three pillows behind me, and another beneath my knees.
I have magic bags draped across both of my feet and ankles, which are desperately glad that I decided to set aside any and all tasks that required standing tonight. I slipped on some snow and ice yesterday and fell. Not badly really. Just a moment that was lacking in gracefulness. (And who can be graceful, really, in winter boots and coat, while walking down a slope on an icy, snowy lakeshore?) I didn't think it was all that bad at the time - I knew I'd twisted one ankle a bit, but upon waking this morning and attempting to move I discovered that it was perhaps a bit worse than I'd thought. It would seem that I actually managed to roll both ankles as well as twist my left knee. I climbed three flights of stairs this morning on my sore knee and ankles. I wasn't yet ready to acknowledge that I might be in pain, and I was avoiding someone who arrived at the building at the same time as me and was taking the elevator. I couldn't bear the idea that my first human interaction of the day would be an insincere conversation with said person. Taking the stairs was a mistake. I discovered today that limping is a difficult proposition when you can't take the extra weight on your opposite leg. So I kind of waddle for the moment. It looks goofy.
I'm sorting through bills. Catching up on some emails. Making lists. There are lit candles scattered around the room. That always makes me happy.
I'm still not feeling too great - I got quite ill at work on Friday, and though I've managed to eat at least one meal a day since, my stomach is still being choosy. So I had toast for dinner. Followed by blue jello. I love jello. Yes, I know what it's made of, but I love it anyway. (Just as a side note, if you've ever watched or participated in synchronized swimming - that stuff that makes their hair so shiny - clear gelatin. It's the dickens to wash out later, but does the trick for keeping your hair in place in a way that no hair gel will. And it actually makes your hair incredibly soft.)
Eventually here I'll get around to some reading - I have a new book to start, and I'm nearly finished re-reading a favorite from last year's list. I may even take some time to catch up on life and write in my journal. Or I might just watch last week's episodes of Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice online while semi-reclining, since I did go to all the trouble of getting comfortably situated.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Henri Again
The daily emails from Henri Nouwen have been uniquely challenging this last while, and the most recent ones are no exception...
Growing Beyond Self-Rejection
One of the greatest dangers in the spiritual life is self-rejection. When we say, "If people really knew me, they wouldn't love me," we choose the road toward darkness. Often we are made to believe that self-deprecation is a virtue, called humility. But humility is in reality the opposite of self-deprecation. It is the grateful recognition that we are precious in God's eyes and that all we are is pure gift. To grow beyond self-rejection we must have the courage to listen to the voice calling us God's beloved sons and daughters, and the determination always to live our lives according to this truth.
Trusting the Catcher
Trust is the basis of life. Without trust, no human being can live. Trapeze artists offer a beautiful image of this. Flyers have to trust their catchers. They can do the most spectacular doubles, triples, or quadruples, but what finally makes their performance spectacular are the catchers who are there for them at the right time in the right place.
Much of our lives is flying. It is wonderful to fly in the air free as a bird, but when God isn't there to catch us, all our flying comes to nothing. Let's trust in the Great Catcher.
The Spiritual Work of Gratitude
To be grateful for the good things that happen in our lives is easy, but to be grateful for all of our lives-the good as well as the bad, the moments of joy as well as the moments of sorrow, the successes as well as the failures, the rewards as well as the rejections-that requires hard spiritual work. Still, we are only truly grateful people when we can say thank you to all that has brought us to the present moment. As long as we keep dividing our lives between events and people we would like to remember and those we would rather forget, we cannot claim the fullness of our beings as a gift of God to be grateful for.
Let's not be afraid to look at everything that has brought us to where we are now and trust that we will soon see in it the guiding hand of a loving God.
Growing Beyond Self-Rejection
One of the greatest dangers in the spiritual life is self-rejection. When we say, "If people really knew me, they wouldn't love me," we choose the road toward darkness. Often we are made to believe that self-deprecation is a virtue, called humility. But humility is in reality the opposite of self-deprecation. It is the grateful recognition that we are precious in God's eyes and that all we are is pure gift. To grow beyond self-rejection we must have the courage to listen to the voice calling us God's beloved sons and daughters, and the determination always to live our lives according to this truth.
Trusting the Catcher
Trust is the basis of life. Without trust, no human being can live. Trapeze artists offer a beautiful image of this. Flyers have to trust their catchers. They can do the most spectacular doubles, triples, or quadruples, but what finally makes their performance spectacular are the catchers who are there for them at the right time in the right place.
Much of our lives is flying. It is wonderful to fly in the air free as a bird, but when God isn't there to catch us, all our flying comes to nothing. Let's trust in the Great Catcher.
The Spiritual Work of Gratitude
To be grateful for the good things that happen in our lives is easy, but to be grateful for all of our lives-the good as well as the bad, the moments of joy as well as the moments of sorrow, the successes as well as the failures, the rewards as well as the rejections-that requires hard spiritual work. Still, we are only truly grateful people when we can say thank you to all that has brought us to the present moment. As long as we keep dividing our lives between events and people we would like to remember and those we would rather forget, we cannot claim the fullness of our beings as a gift of God to be grateful for.
Let's not be afraid to look at everything that has brought us to where we are now and trust that we will soon see in it the guiding hand of a loving God.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Away
I'm out of town again. Back tomorrow, blogging shall recommence then. Or maybe Monday. When I get home tomorrow I might just sleep.
Friday, January 09, 2009
A Heart that's Seen
This has been a hard week.
My heart has been very unseen, and very misunderstood. My integrity has been questioned more than once, because of the unfortunate actions of another who lacks integrity, and with whom I have to work. I hadn't realized just how much of a toll that had taken on me until I arrived home last night, exhausted after spending over 2 hours in winter traffic, and tried to accomplish a very simple task.
My brain and body shut down, and I flew into panic mode. Granted, there were extenuating circumstances which added to the quick shift into panic, but there it was. I was fighting off a panic attack while still working with desperation to finish a simple and necessary task.
In the midst of that, two dear friends found me online. One hung around and talked me through the panic, while the other simply offered a few encouraging words, and promised to pray.
One reminded me of promises spoken, prayers prayed, and love shared.
The other simply told me, "you're a good woman, Lisa."
I needed to hear all of what both of them said.
Both told me in their own ways that I was loved, that my heart was seen, that I would be okay. Somehow, because of the source, my heart began to calm, and I was able to hear their words, and receive them. I was able to allow my heart to quiet enough to hear Jesus whispering the same things. That I am loved. That He is with me. That I will be okay.
I was reminded last night again of the importance and the gift of true friends. The sort who know you most deeply, who've seen you at your best and worst, and love your heart anyway. Who see the heart, and not the surface panic.
To the two of you who hung out with me online last night, thank you. Thanks for being Jesus to me in those moments, and letting him whisper to me through your love. I needed it - your love and his. And I'm carrying it with me today and on into the weekend and the weeks ahead.
My heart has been very unseen, and very misunderstood. My integrity has been questioned more than once, because of the unfortunate actions of another who lacks integrity, and with whom I have to work. I hadn't realized just how much of a toll that had taken on me until I arrived home last night, exhausted after spending over 2 hours in winter traffic, and tried to accomplish a very simple task.
My brain and body shut down, and I flew into panic mode. Granted, there were extenuating circumstances which added to the quick shift into panic, but there it was. I was fighting off a panic attack while still working with desperation to finish a simple and necessary task.
In the midst of that, two dear friends found me online. One hung around and talked me through the panic, while the other simply offered a few encouraging words, and promised to pray.
One reminded me of promises spoken, prayers prayed, and love shared.
The other simply told me, "you're a good woman, Lisa."
I needed to hear all of what both of them said.
Both told me in their own ways that I was loved, that my heart was seen, that I would be okay. Somehow, because of the source, my heart began to calm, and I was able to hear their words, and receive them. I was able to allow my heart to quiet enough to hear Jesus whispering the same things. That I am loved. That He is with me. That I will be okay.
I was reminded last night again of the importance and the gift of true friends. The sort who know you most deeply, who've seen you at your best and worst, and love your heart anyway. Who see the heart, and not the surface panic.
To the two of you who hung out with me online last night, thank you. Thanks for being Jesus to me in those moments, and letting him whisper to me through your love. I needed it - your love and his. And I'm carrying it with me today and on into the weekend and the weeks ahead.
Stepping Over Our Wounds
This thought from Henri Nouwen hit hard today. It speaks to where my heart is at, and to a direction in which I hope I'm finally headed. Here's to "travelling on!"
Stepping over Our Wounds
Sometimes we have to "step over" our anger, our jealousy, or our feelings of rejection and move on. The temptation is to get stuck in our negative emotions, poking around in them as if we belong there. Then we become the "offended one," "the forgotten one," or the "discarded one." Yes, we can get attached to these negative identities and even take morbid pleasure in them. It might be good to have a look at these dark feelings and explore where they come from, but there comes a moment to step over them, leave them behind and travel on.
Stepping over Our Wounds
Sometimes we have to "step over" our anger, our jealousy, or our feelings of rejection and move on. The temptation is to get stuck in our negative emotions, poking around in them as if we belong there. Then we become the "offended one," "the forgotten one," or the "discarded one." Yes, we can get attached to these negative identities and even take morbid pleasure in them. It might be good to have a look at these dark feelings and explore where they come from, but there comes a moment to step over them, leave them behind and travel on.
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