Thirsty, and Taking it Back?

Have you ever prayed one of those prayers that, only days later, you find yourself mentally taking back, as you’re right in the middle of the answer to it? One of those dangerous prayers, that you don’t quite understand the ramifications of as you’re speaking it out to the Lord?

I find myself in the middle of a day filled with that today. Two days ago I wrote that I was asking the Lord to make me a person who “sees” – both literally and otherwise. I don’t think I meant it!

This is how my day has gone (starting from last night, because that’s where my story seems to begin).

I went swimming with my roommate and one of her coworkers last night. I haven’t been swimming for exercise in years, and it’s been at least six months since I was last in a swimming pool of any sort. I love the water. I love everything about swimming pools – even the chlorine smell. That’s what years of being part of and coaching for a synchronized swimming club does to your brain. It was a spur of the moment decision to join them, but I’m so very glad that I did.

I came home, returned a few emails, and fell asleep on the couch, trying to watch a television program I enjoy. And not the normal, half-asleep kind of thing either – I was out cold, and snapped awake as the show ended. I groggily stumbled towards bed, forgoing the usual pre-bedtime routine, and crashed hard. For two hours, or maybe three.

The rest of the night is kind of blurry. I’m not sure if I was awake, or dreaming. For hours I lay there, aware of an intense thirst, but too groggy to do much about it. The water bottle I keep in my bed was nearly empty, so I drained it, but was still so thirsty. I know I must have been awake at some point, because I must have climbed out of bed to grab another bottle of water – there was one in bed with me this morning.

I think I probably only slept about 4 hours, as I lay there, so thirsty, and praying.

I was talking to Jesus on the train this morning – today is the day I’m finalizing a major life decision, and I’m committed to spend a chunk of time today in a final period of seeking direction and guidance before finalizing the decision into something more permanent. And as I was talking with him, all I could think about again was how thirsty I’d been. And how I feel that same thirst for growing encounters with Christ and his redemption.

I got to work as usual, and found a slightly strange email awaiting me from a young woman who has a messy home situation, and with whom I’ve been walking out life this last while. I sent her a quick clarifying email and went on with my day.

Within an hour I found myself in a conversation that required me to be willing to really “see” and “hear” the person I was talking to. An awkward, pain-filled conversation. But good.

Another hour, and I received a very concerning response by email from my young friend. In this case, I’m needing to “see” in a much more metaphorical sense, as I talk to Jesus about her. She’s leaving town, stepping back into the midst of the messy situation she moved to Calgary to escape. (If you’re the praying sort, I’d love it if you’d pray for her)

After lunch with a good friend (very restorative, I might add!), I returned to the office.

Again – seeing, in the metaphorical sense. There are some things that live under the surface in our office and every so often come up for air. They’re airing themselves today, and the atmosphere shifted as they did.

I have to tell you that people who are raised as pacifists don’t seem to make for well-adjusted adults. I’ve never met a group of people more desperate to avoid conflict, and more unable to appropriately handle conflict when it does arrive.

I’ve been so tempted, as I’ve spent my day seeing and hearing to rescind that prayer from Sunday morning. “Lord, I didn’t mean it. I really didn’t.”

But I won’t. I’ll keep seeing, and hearing, and learning to see and hear more deeply. And I’ll keep talking with Jesus about the things I’m seeing and hearing. I’m thirsty, so thirsty, for more.

Nouwen on Active Waiting...

I loved this thought this morning. Partly because I'm a huge fan of the idea of there being seasons of life. Partly because I've been part of a great number of seasons of waiting in expectance for something to be birthed or come to fruition these last few years.

Active Waiting

Waiting is essential to the spiritual life. But waiting as a disciple of Jesus is not an empty waiting. It is a waiting with a promise in our hearts that makes already present what we are waiting for. We wait during Advent for the birth of Jesus. We wait after Easter for the coming of the Spirit, and after the ascension of Jesus we wait for his coming again in glory. We are always waiting, but it is a waiting in the conviction that we have already seen God's footsteps.

Waiting for God is an active, alert - yes, joyful - waiting. As we wait we remember him for whom we are waiting, and as we remember him we create a community ready to welcome him when he comes.

Henri Nouwen on "Ministry"

More great thoughts from Henri Nouwen.

Ministry and the Spiritual Life

All Jesus' words and actions emerge from his intimate relationships with his Father. "Do you not believe," Jesus says, "that I am in the Father and the Father is in me? What I say to you I do not speak of my own accord: it is the Father, living in me, who is doing his works. You must believe me when I say that I am in the Father and the Father is in me; or at least believe it on the evidence of these works" (John 14:10-11).

Just as all Jesus' words and actions emerge from his communion with his Father, so all our words and actions must emerge from our communion with Jesus. "In all truth I tell you," he says, "whoever believes in me will perform the same works as I do myself, and will perform even greater works. ... Whatever you ask for in my name I will do" (John 14:12-13). It is this profound truth that reveals the relationship between the spiritual life and the life of ministry.

Acting in the Name of Jesus

Ministry is acting in the Name of Jesus. When all our actions are in the Name, they will bear fruit for eternal life. To act in the Name of Jesus, however, doesn't mean to act as a representative of Jesus or his spokesperson. It means to act in an intimate communion with him. The Name is like a house, a tent, a dwelling. To act in the Name of Jesus, therefore, means to act from the place where we are united with Jesus in love. To the question "Where are you?" we should be able to answer, "I am in the Name." Then, whatever we do cannot be other than ministry because it will always be Jesus himself who acts in and through us. The final question for all who minister is "Are you in the Name of Jesus?"" When we can say yes to that, all of our lives will be ministry.

Bright Red Shoes and Other Smiles

It’s funny how a person’s outlook can be affected by colors.

When I used to work for the Bay, and had to wear their black and white color scheme day after day, I’d take great pleasure in coming home and changing into something colorful. Or, I’d punch up the uniformity of the black and white by tying a brightly scarf in my hear, wearing wild earrings, or a brightly colored tank top under my white blouse.

I’m wearing a rather boring, professional, black and white outfit today. One I like, but one that lacks artistic inspiration. However, I’m also wearing a brand new pair of bright red shoes today. I found them on sale yesterday, and they called my name. I’ve been hunting for an affordable pair of red shoes for months now – have almost bought some several times, but have run into snags with sizing (or lack thereof).

Yes, they were a luxury item, not a necessity, but I found mine for $20 yesterday, and jumped at the chance to purchase them. They have pointy toes, and kitten heels, and are generally bright and cheerful. Every time I glance down at my feet, I see the bright red and smile.

I’m needing things that make me smile today, as I’m tired and still struggling with an ongoing decision making process. I’ve arbitrarily set a mid-week deadline on this one – I can’t handle the over-thinking, thought process much longer than that.

So, just to remind myself, here are a few other things making me smile today…

Bright red shoes.

Wildly curly hair – kind of lion’s mane like, and going everywhere.

Finally warming up after the cold commute to work.

Two cups of tea (one passion tea, one rooibos).

An email from a friend this morning.

Lunch plans with two separate friends this week. Dinner plans with a third, and possibly fourth friend.

Plans to see a movie with my brother this coming weekend.

Sleeping through most of the night last night.

Plans to take the bus home from work tonight and enjoy reading (the book on Africa I started a week ago, and a novel) for an hour and a half.

Caught My Eye...

The Queen is going to Malta tomorrow, to celebrate her 60th wedding anniversary. Apparantly her husband was stationed in Malta with the British navy when they were married 60 years ago.

I read that here, in an online article from today's paper. And all I could think was, "in two months, I'm going to Malta too!"

I also happen to think that 60 years of marriage is worth celebrating. Very cool.