Okay, I admit that the title is glib, and that all of you are now completely disgusted.
Actually, here's the thing, I've been in the middle of this real wild season of life. The middle of crazy spiritual attack - things I would have never wanted or desired. (Not that anyone particularly wants to suddenly find themselves in the middle of intense spiritual warfare.) I've been waiting on God for direction for next steps. I've been slowly building relationships with a number of girls in the youth group God has placed me in a role of leadership in for this season. I've been fighting fear in many shapes and forms - a resurgence of things I thought long gone from my life. I haven't been doing much sleeping, between the God dreams, the nightmares, and the nights where sleep simply won't come and stay, so I wake every hour or two, fully awake, and with difficulty falling back to sleep.
I was at Marty and Kari's place over the weekend, and we talked and prayed about direction. I felt peace, quietness, rest, begin to seep in and fill the places that were so achingly uncertain. I left their home with those things somewhat restored in my heart.
Then I nearly had the accident on the way home.
It made for an interesting experience.
So, you're all wondering what my title is really referring to.
I woke up this morning and somehow knew that I needed to fast today. Now, what you need to understand is that fasting is a discipline I've deliberately gone out of my way to avoid participating in. I wouldn't do it to raise money (30 hour famine or the like) and I wouldn't do it for anything else either. But I got up this morning and knew that today I was going to fast.
So I did, nothing but liquids (and one lifesaver because I forgot that I was fasting, so unusual an occurrence is it!) all day.
And tonight, as I lay in the bathtub, I started thinking again about this whole idea of fasting. God has been working to get my attention in this area for quite a while, and I've been ignoring him equally deliberately. So I'm laying in the bath, having put down the book of sermons I'm reading just presently, and God starts to speak.
"I want you to think about your diet."
"What do you mean, my diet? I eat okay."
"All of the things you take into yourself - not just food."
"oh, well I do love to eat. About the only thing I like less than giving up food was that time I gave up novels and gossip magazines for Lent. Though that was a good experience in the long run."
"There are things in your diet, things you take into yourself that you use to hide from me, and from the things I want to do in your life."
"..."
Lent begins next week. Historically, it was a time of preparation for new converts to the Christian faith. A time of intense study, fasting and prayer, leading up to their baptism on Easter Sunday. It is a time of waiting, of moving towards death, of dying to self as we remember the crucifixion on Good Friday, of laying in the shrouds of death on the Saturday, and rising to a new and glorious life with the celebration of the resurrection on Easter Sunday.
Before I left Marty and Kari's they prayed for me. Many things, but among them that direction would come for this season of life.
I strongly believe that God has called me to submit my "diet" to Him for this season of lent. I sense him asking me to fast, in two specific ways, to give up two things I use to hide from the more painful or scary realities of life. So, I'm not going to eat on Mondays from now until Easter. I'm also not going to read any novels or gossip magazines during the period from Ash Wednesday to Easter Sunday. Beyond that, I sense God asking me to choose carefully those things that I take into myself. To make careful and conscious choices about the things I watch, listen to, read, and partake of.
Pray for me.
To be honest, it's a terrifying concept to commit to these things. Particularly on the heels of this season of intensity so strong I've often felt the need for the escape provided in food or in fictional pursuits.
But I want God, ever more deeply, and am willing to give this a shot if that's what it takes.
I covet your prayers in this season. Pray that I will find myself clinging to God my shield. That I will clearly hear the voice of the father speaking to me.
As I was meditating and praying tonight, I was listening to Jason Upton, and the following lyrics grabbed me as strongly appropriate given this season of life.
In the Silence
Tired of telling you you have me
When I know you really don’t
Tired of telling you I’ll follow
When I know I really won’t
Cause I’d rather stand here speechless
With no great words to say
If my silence is more truthful
And my ears can hear how to walk in your
way
In the silence
You are speaking
In the quiet I can feel the fire
And it’s burning, burning deeply
Burning all it is that you desire to be silent, in me
Oh Jesus can you hear me?
My soul is screaming out
And my broken will cries teach me
What your Kingdom’s all about
Unite my heart to fear you,
To fear you’re holy name
And create a life of worship
In the spirit and truth of your loving ways
© 2002 Jason Upton & Key of David Ministries. All rights reserved
Monday, February 12, 2007
Happy to be alive
Pretty tense today. I nearly had a very serious accident yesterday, and driving for two hours on very sketchy highway is not my idea of a good time.
Grateful for the protection of God in this case. Lots of little things came together to mean that instead of having a very serious accident, I didn't have an accident at all.
But I'm back to being incredibly tense every time I get behind the wheel. Figures, I just noticed in the latter part of last week that I wasn't panicing every time I drove anymore (since the last accident).
Had a great weekend with Marty and Kari (excluding the drive home!). I'll post later tonight or tomorrow!
Grateful for the protection of God in this case. Lots of little things came together to mean that instead of having a very serious accident, I didn't have an accident at all.
But I'm back to being incredibly tense every time I get behind the wheel. Figures, I just noticed in the latter part of last week that I wasn't panicing every time I drove anymore (since the last accident).
Had a great weekend with Marty and Kari (excluding the drive home!). I'll post later tonight or tomorrow!
Friday, February 09, 2007
Little Things
Spending my evening taking time to accomplish a number of little things.
See you after the weekend!
- I picked up a rental car to drive to Marty and Kari's tomorrow.
- I'm packing so I can leave tomorrow.
- I read the preview first chapter of a book with the title "Imaginative Prayer for Youth Ministry." Sounds like something I may pick up, as I would love to figure out ways to engage the youth I'm working with in prayer in new and different ways, to make it more active, and hopefully more meaningful.
- Created a wish list on chapters/indigo website. Not really planning to advertise it all that much. More of a list for me to know which books and dvd's I'm interested in, or waiting to buy, so that when I have an extra 50 bucks, I can easily order something I know I'm going to want.
- Going to clean my desk up a bit.
- Going to spend some time studying the book of Mark in preparation for the next Bible study for the youth girls.
- Going to send out an email reminding the girls when the next Bible study will be held.
- Going to put away the laundry I folded earlier while I watched tv.
- Going to read a bit of the book we're working through with the youth Sunday school class - seems I'm either teaching, or helping to teach next weekend, and thought I should probably refresh myself as to the content of the book before I'm supposed to be encouraging interaction with others.
- Going to drink lots of water. My favorite beverage, and I'm quite thirsty just presently.
- Going to spend some time praying. Cause my days end better when I spend that time at night.
- Going to email someone from 24/7 or UM to find out he has any creative ideas for introducing our youth to 24/7, since we don't have a building and can't set something up ourselves.
- When all that's done, I think I might curl up in bed and watch Grey's Anatomy on DVD for a while.
See you after the weekend!
Thursday, February 08, 2007
My 400th Post
One of those days?
Here are the things I’m thinking about this morning.
First, do you ever have the “pleasure” of sitting next to someone on public transportation who has no sense of etiquette for said transportation? I did this morning. He would talk to himself, random half sentences, said with trailing endings, looking for a response. He kept sort of turning to stare at me (and well, I do look hot in my toque, parka, gloves, and seventeen other layers, but still…), and then, he’d whip around, to look out the window, and crane his head and shoulders, so that he was almost in my lap. Gotta love public transit!
Secondly, I’m greatly enjoying the perfume I’m wearing this morning. As I was walking, every so often the wind was just right, and I caught a whiff of it. I kept thinking to myself, “Dang, I smell good today!”
Third, I forgot my shoes. No, I didn’t come all the way to work in my stocking feet. I wore running shoes, much more suited for the snow we currently have in abundance than the dress shoes I normally wear. However, in my getting ready this morning, I forgot to chuck the dress shoes in my bag. Good thing I wore dress socks today instead of the wooly socks I normally wear and take off to go barefoot in my dress shoes!
And finally, I got to work to find out that I left a phone message yesterday for a dead person. Someone whose funeral program has been sitting in our staff room all week, but I didn’t catch on. Thankfully his widow was quite gracious in an email returning my phone message, but I feel badly none the less.
And with that, I’m on to start the real “meat” of my day. The chocolate covered granola bar is kicking in, my legs are starting to thaw out from the trek to the c-train, and, in stocking feet, I can sit half-way cross legged much more comfortably. See you later!
Here are the things I’m thinking about this morning.
First, do you ever have the “pleasure” of sitting next to someone on public transportation who has no sense of etiquette for said transportation? I did this morning. He would talk to himself, random half sentences, said with trailing endings, looking for a response. He kept sort of turning to stare at me (and well, I do look hot in my toque, parka, gloves, and seventeen other layers, but still…), and then, he’d whip around, to look out the window, and crane his head and shoulders, so that he was almost in my lap. Gotta love public transit!
Secondly, I’m greatly enjoying the perfume I’m wearing this morning. As I was walking, every so often the wind was just right, and I caught a whiff of it. I kept thinking to myself, “Dang, I smell good today!”
Third, I forgot my shoes. No, I didn’t come all the way to work in my stocking feet. I wore running shoes, much more suited for the snow we currently have in abundance than the dress shoes I normally wear. However, in my getting ready this morning, I forgot to chuck the dress shoes in my bag. Good thing I wore dress socks today instead of the wooly socks I normally wear and take off to go barefoot in my dress shoes!
And finally, I got to work to find out that I left a phone message yesterday for a dead person. Someone whose funeral program has been sitting in our staff room all week, but I didn’t catch on. Thankfully his widow was quite gracious in an email returning my phone message, but I feel badly none the less.
And with that, I’m on to start the real “meat” of my day. The chocolate covered granola bar is kicking in, my legs are starting to thaw out from the trek to the c-train, and, in stocking feet, I can sit half-way cross legged much more comfortably. See you later!
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Just Because I Could Use It
Things that are making me smile
(one of those happiness lists that are equivalent to low doses of anti-depressants!)
(one of those happiness lists that are equivalent to low doses of anti-depressants!)
- An email from my best friend, now in Ireland, telling me about being invited to a "formal" this weekend, and worrying about possibly having to dance.
- The prospect of a trip to see Marty and Kari this weekend (assuming the weather doesn't get totally horrendous)
- A poem by Leonard Cohen (see my last post.)
- The movie "Secondhand Lions"
- Chocolate covered almonds
- Subway lunch today with a great coworker
- A relatively clean bedroom
- A whole stack of books on my desk, just waiting to be read.
- A stable financial situation for the moment
- Blogger working properly and a successful migration to the new blogger
- A decent week so far at work.
- A new friend
- A fairly okay first ever youth girls Bible study last weekend
- Knowing that loving on the youth girls is something God is enabling me to do right now
- Passion Tea
- Hot pink crocs (have I mentioned that I've become a crocs evangelist?)
- My best friend coming back to Canada in just over a week.
- Pictures of a friend's new baby
- magic bag - can you say fantastic for those cold winter nights?
- The beauty of the snow covering everything right now (if not the temperatures necessary for all the snow to be falling)
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