I haven't posted in a few days again. It's because my life continues in a vein of very private wrestles. I've been writing, but not things that can ever appear here. Things that have dealt with the very personal struggles some friends are facing, and my response to those struggles. Things that have dealt with my own very personal wounds - wounds that are not yet in a place of healing or recovery that will allow them to be exposed to the broader world.
I've been quite sick again. I mean, really, it was mid October when I first got sick. And I've been ill pretty much constantly since then. This time it's a full blown cold that has settled in my throat and chest, leaving me coughing and hacking constantly. I'm drinking ridiculous amounts of water to keep my throat from drying out and making the coughing worse. It's just one of those things. Last night I had a fairly high fever, and chills and all the fun stuff that goes with it. No one ever told me how hard it is to be sick for months at a time. I'm getting pretty tired of it. I just want to feel good again - to be able to go out with friends and not have to think about whether I'm physically up to staying out late, to being outside for a prolonged time, that kind of thing.
Okay, now that I've had my whining moment, let me go on to say that there have been pocket of grace moments in this week. Moments when God's presence as I spoke and ministered was undeniable. And that makes everything worthwhile!
Sunday, February 19, 2006
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
You MUST listen to this
I've been meaning to stick this up all week. You MUST listen to this radio broadcast. I'm telling everyone I know. I've mentioned Renee Altson before - her book Stumbling Toward Faith has played a profound role in my own spiritual journey over the last year or so. Anyway, Renee was interviewed on a radio program last weekend. The interview was fantastic, but the quality of the program surprised me as well.
So, go to this link. And choose to listen to the February 10/11 broadcast. You won't regret it.
So, go to this link. And choose to listen to the February 10/11 broadcast. You won't regret it.
Negligent at Updating
I know. I know. I haven't posted here in too long.
The trouble is, stuff has been happening in my life that has not been very motivating to write about. In some ways I'm still recovering emotionally from that week a couple of weeks ago. I'm also still recovering my physical health (although I am doing quite a lot better!)
The stuff that's been going on has been mean and ugly, and hard to define. I can name the emotion - anger - but not necessarily the reasons for the emotion, or the things I'm angry at. The result has been an incessantly grouchy (or worse - the "b" word!) mood. I went out last night in the kind of mood that would have easily let me snap someone's head off. Probably not the best mood to go to a small group church work project in! But, cleaning that awful Christmas closet was good for getting out my aggression, and one of my good friends sat patiently as I verbally processed my week and vented some of my emotions. And I did feel a little better afterwards.
There have been some good things. The smiles on a few people's faces at church Sunday night. The venting session last night. One friend is still sober. Another let us come up with a game plan to get her out of a potentially abusive and dangerous situation with the minimum of time and harm. I got a great haircut yesterday. I bought myself some good quality makeup a few weeks ago, and I'm really happy with the way I've looked lately. I've felt pretty. The laugh when I walked through the greeting card aisle at the drug store on Monday, and found a row of approximately 10 men and 1 woman frantically studying the valentines cards. (Most of the men were also clutching heart-shaped chocolate boxes as well!) The rush of patriotic emotion watching a Canadian speed skater realize she won a bronze medal at the Olympics this afternoon. I'm hanging out with another good friend on Friday morning. I have the weekend off work. One of my clients tomorrow night is a very close friend and her fiance. I found two really great sweaters for only $5 a piece, and two really great tops as well (for somewhat more money.) I'm trying to remember these things, because this has been one of those weeks where a negative funk seems to hover over me, despite attempts to combat it, and I'm tired and angry, and frustrated with a number of situations both professional and personal. God, help me to remember the smiles, and the things that made me smile.
But, as an example of how my week has gone, let me leave you with this:
I was in the drugstore on Monday, buying bus tickets before work. I was carrying a 1 litre waterbottle with me, to use during my shift. As I was leaving the cash desk, the water bottle slipped from my hands. Now, this is supposed to be an unbreakable water bottle. But, my unbreakable water bottle shattered all over the drugstore floor, dumping a litre of water in the high traffic area right in front of the cashier, on a busy day, delaying me, and embarrassing me to no end.
The trouble is, stuff has been happening in my life that has not been very motivating to write about. In some ways I'm still recovering emotionally from that week a couple of weeks ago. I'm also still recovering my physical health (although I am doing quite a lot better!)
The stuff that's been going on has been mean and ugly, and hard to define. I can name the emotion - anger - but not necessarily the reasons for the emotion, or the things I'm angry at. The result has been an incessantly grouchy (or worse - the "b" word!) mood. I went out last night in the kind of mood that would have easily let me snap someone's head off. Probably not the best mood to go to a small group church work project in! But, cleaning that awful Christmas closet was good for getting out my aggression, and one of my good friends sat patiently as I verbally processed my week and vented some of my emotions. And I did feel a little better afterwards.
There have been some good things. The smiles on a few people's faces at church Sunday night. The venting session last night. One friend is still sober. Another let us come up with a game plan to get her out of a potentially abusive and dangerous situation with the minimum of time and harm. I got a great haircut yesterday. I bought myself some good quality makeup a few weeks ago, and I'm really happy with the way I've looked lately. I've felt pretty. The laugh when I walked through the greeting card aisle at the drug store on Monday, and found a row of approximately 10 men and 1 woman frantically studying the valentines cards. (Most of the men were also clutching heart-shaped chocolate boxes as well!) The rush of patriotic emotion watching a Canadian speed skater realize she won a bronze medal at the Olympics this afternoon. I'm hanging out with another good friend on Friday morning. I have the weekend off work. One of my clients tomorrow night is a very close friend and her fiance. I found two really great sweaters for only $5 a piece, and two really great tops as well (for somewhat more money.) I'm trying to remember these things, because this has been one of those weeks where a negative funk seems to hover over me, despite attempts to combat it, and I'm tired and angry, and frustrated with a number of situations both professional and personal. God, help me to remember the smiles, and the things that made me smile.
But, as an example of how my week has gone, let me leave you with this:
I was in the drugstore on Monday, buying bus tickets before work. I was carrying a 1 litre waterbottle with me, to use during my shift. As I was leaving the cash desk, the water bottle slipped from my hands. Now, this is supposed to be an unbreakable water bottle. But, my unbreakable water bottle shattered all over the drugstore floor, dumping a litre of water in the high traffic area right in front of the cashier, on a busy day, delaying me, and embarrassing me to no end.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Quiet
These last days have been somewhat blissfully quiet. I've continued to recover. There have been very few crises of noteworthy scale. I've gone to work, come home, and slept. I've developed a need to eat peanut butter on a daily basis.
Today, the pattern will be similar. In an hour or so I'm off to work. After work, there are plans for a movie night at the home of some friends. Than home, bed, and work again tomorrow before church.
I've needed the quiet days. They've been necessary this week to allow me to heal physically and rest emotionally. I almost feel ready to begin facing the world again. But I have to admit, I'm glad our plans for tonight are of the movie variety - I don't think I'd be up to going out. I'm thankful for friends willing to cater to my low-key preferences once in a while!
Today, the pattern will be similar. In an hour or so I'm off to work. After work, there are plans for a movie night at the home of some friends. Than home, bed, and work again tomorrow before church.
I've needed the quiet days. They've been necessary this week to allow me to heal physically and rest emotionally. I almost feel ready to begin facing the world again. But I have to admit, I'm glad our plans for tonight are of the movie variety - I don't think I'd be up to going out. I'm thankful for friends willing to cater to my low-key preferences once in a while!
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Faith and Fight
You have to read this post on Kirk's blog. I've stolen his title.
I loved this post, because it seemed to describe in some way what has been happening in my life this last month. He quotes Brian McLaren as saying, "God has seemed to me at times like a coach who pushed me so hard during practice that I almost quit the sport entirely." This is what I've felt like!
At one point on the weekend, a friend was praying over me, and described to me a picture that he had for me. It was that of an athlete or someone in heavy training - so hard it was almost killing them. That's what life has looked like lately. And on the weekend, I really was about three seconds from walking away from it all. I had hit a level of exhaustion that made my body and soul simply refuse to keep moving on. But, I've been somewhat restored in the past days. And I am more convinced than ever of the calling God has laid on my life to serve. I have just recognized the need to serve in a way that will be obedient, but will not kill me. When I figure out how precisely to do that I'll let you know. Because I know God has reminded me to spend time receiving, but He has not loosened the burden of the calling He has laid on me. So it'll be a challenge to find that balance, but I'm committed to look for it, and to allow God to continue to mold and train me into whatever He desires.
I loved this post, because it seemed to describe in some way what has been happening in my life this last month. He quotes Brian McLaren as saying, "God has seemed to me at times like a coach who pushed me so hard during practice that I almost quit the sport entirely." This is what I've felt like!
At one point on the weekend, a friend was praying over me, and described to me a picture that he had for me. It was that of an athlete or someone in heavy training - so hard it was almost killing them. That's what life has looked like lately. And on the weekend, I really was about three seconds from walking away from it all. I had hit a level of exhaustion that made my body and soul simply refuse to keep moving on. But, I've been somewhat restored in the past days. And I am more convinced than ever of the calling God has laid on my life to serve. I have just recognized the need to serve in a way that will be obedient, but will not kill me. When I figure out how precisely to do that I'll let you know. Because I know God has reminded me to spend time receiving, but He has not loosened the burden of the calling He has laid on me. So it'll be a challenge to find that balance, but I'm committed to look for it, and to allow God to continue to mold and train me into whatever He desires.
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