Discombobulated

It's a new month, and I find it hard to believe that January has already passed by.

Changes continue as I work to adapt to school, and to other ever changing aspects of my life.

Waiting continues, too.  Waiting to hear about student loans.  Waiting on other fronts as well.

Honestly, the start of 2011 has been hard, and I'm struggling to know how to talk about it here.  For a variety of reasons, this blog, my safe place for the last six years, has been less safe for me the last several months, and I've pulled back, in some ways, from sharing the bits and pieces I'd like to share.  It makes me sad to admit that.  I've made some wonderful online and real life friends because of this little space, and I'm working to sort out a new normal in my approach to what is shared here.

I'm feeling discombobulated, undone.

I'm struggling a bit with discontentment.  It's been a harder month in the ongoing journey to be at peace with my crazy living situation.  Some months seem smooth, others not so much.  It cycles.  And this has been the hard end of the cycle.

It's the same thing with loneliness.  I'm blessed with some very dear friends, some near, most far away.  Most months I can successfully juggle my friendships, leaving myself at peace with the balance of the near and far.  These last few weeks that juggling act has not been so successful, and I find myself longing for in person time with my safe people, scattered across at least three countries and two continents.  (I'm reminding myself that one of my dear friends who is currently farthest away will be visiting at the end of this month, and pushing myself to contact some who are near, in the meantime.)

I'm figuring out the juggling act, too, of content and discontent.  I'm struggling with the realities that are mine.  Struggling hard.  And yet, I've received several emails in the last 24 hours, from friends both near and far, that remind me that in relative terms, my situation could be so much worse.  This is perhaps the most bizarre juggling act of all to me.  This one that holds in one hand the realities of my own that are far less than ideal, and in the other hand the reality that I have oh so much to be thankful for.  I haven't figured it out yet.  I wonder some days if I ever will.  And I'd love to hear some thoughts if you have any to share.

I'm craving simplicity again, and it shows in my daily "to do" lists which include things like cleaning, purging, sorting, repairing, and breathing.  Sorting out the delicate balance of consumption and over-consumption.  I haven't figured this one out yet either, though I'm getting better at it.  (I'm better at it when there is no money coming in, quite honestly.  Figuring it out when there is steady income that more than meets my basic needs will be a whole other thing, I suspect.)

And so, there it is, my discombobulated self, and my discombobulated update.  Leave me a comment telling me what's up in your worlds these days.  I haven't heard from some of you in a while.