Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Maybe it's Just a Season

I feel like I've been writing boring things here.

Quizzes, links, that sort of thing.

Very little personal narrative.

It's because I'm feeling a bit wordless these days.

I write in a number of forums, both public and private, and I just kind of feel wordless.

Not exactly numb, but lacking words that fit around the spaces my body and soul are occupying.

And so I'm posting "boring" things.

I'm thinking a lot about Anne Jackson's book and website "Permission to Speak Freely" these days.  About how that question, "What's one thing you can't say in church?" and Anne's story impacted me when I read it in early September.  Partly because I've walked some of her story.  The addiction pieces, the mental health pieces, the pastor's kid pieces - all of these are things I'm rather intimately familiar with.

Last night I jotted my own answer to that question on a slip of paper.  I may even drop it in the mail.

But in the meantime, the process of journeying through that is leaving me feeling at a loss for words.

So I write "fluffy" posts with quizzes and links.  Nothing I think might stir controversy, because I don't have the mental energy to separate criticism of my position from criticism of me right now.  I started writing a post in my head that I thought might generate discussion, and stopped, because I wondered if it would stir controversy I'd rather not wade through right now.  Fluffy posts, and daily 5 lists.  Lists that are sometimes a desperate grab for sanity, and sometimes just a genuine reflection of things in my day that brightened it, brought smiles and laughter, and gratefulness.

I think it's probably just a season, this wordlessness.  I pray so at least.  I'll be back.  And in the meantime, pardon the fluffy.  It's all I have energy for most days.

Go pick up Anne Jackson's book in the meantime.  You won't regret the read.


tea said...

I can understand what you mean about not having the mental energy for certain things. I find myself there in different ways a lot of times.

..And.. I know I don't know your full story, or even close to it, but I just want you to know, because I've never gotten to tell a pastor's kid this before...
I'm so sorry for all you have to go through. I cannot imagine how difficult it would be. I see the ways people have treated the pastor's kids that I've gone to church with, and I know if it were me, I couldn't have handled it. The lack of respect and personal space, among other things, I know it can't be easy. I hope that makes sense. <3

Lisa said...

Hi Tea,

Thanks so much for your comment. No, being a pastor's kid wasn't an easy thing, for many of the reasons you mentioned. There were certainly some very big pressures. But, there were blessings, too, and these days I try to remember the blessings more. Some days I'm better at that than others, but I sure do try :D

Hugs to you! I appreciate your comments now and then!