Rough Start

I've been wide awake since 4:30 this morning.

A nightmare woke me.

A nightmare that has me thinking about the definition of "worst". 

Because I would tell you that this was the worst nightmare I've had in quite some time.

It wasn't the most violent, or even the darkest.

But it was the most personal, and invasive, and I'm feeling that this morning.

I was finally at a place where I could possibly begin to relax into sleep again, and my alarm went off.

And that's how I started my day.

So, I'm here.  Sitting at my desk.  Sipping a mug of passion tea.

And trying to regroup.

To not let the nightmare steal my day, the joys possible in this day.

And yet, I'm entirely cognizant that I believe dreams have significance, and this one was a doozy.

So I'm working on how to respond to that as well.

And, in some ways, I'm grieving.

I feel that with the loss of the car (it'll likely be sold by the middle of this week), I've been greatly cushioned.  In so many ways, I'm at peace.

But I'm grieving, too.  And angry.

If only my insurance company had quoted me correctly in the first place.

If only I wasn't losing a freedom that so helped in making the challenging situation at Grandma's more liveable.

So.

Thankful.

Last night I started back on the medication that controls some of the hormonal problems that so affect my mood.  I'd needed to be off it for a couple weeks.

Those weeks, when I could have used the support, just happened to be some really rough ones.

I'm back on it.  And I anticipate less of a low mood by later this week, as it builds in my system.

It's a hopeful thing.

And there is sun outside my office window.

And I have a mug of tea to sip.

And plans to have tea in my favorite tea shop with a friend this evening.

I'll get a hug out of that.

I got a caring email from a dear friend (thankful, too, for the iphone that let me send the email she was responding to while I was on the train.)

But it was a rough start.

And I'm praying my day doesn't stay the way it started.

I'm fighting for that.