Sunday, January 03, 2010

Sometimes they make me crazy

I love lists.  That is a well documented fact.  I especially love the goofy little moment of satisfaction that comes from checking something off of a list.

But sometimes the lists make me crazy.

I'm still in bed again - it's sort of become a habit over this vacation, and not one I'm all that upset about, given the chronic lack of rest in my life.

But this morning, some list items are taunting me as I lay here.  Things I meant to do yesterday and didn't quite manage to accomplish.  Nothing spectacular.  But there's a taunting.  "You shouldn't stay in bed.  Get up and be productive.  Especially since L. comes home this afternoon and then the house will have noise and another person and won't be nearly as peaceful.  Get up and take advantage of that peace."

Some of that mentality is passed on.  My mom grew up with it - the never a moment of stillness thing - and in the many years of my life before she began her own long journey of healing, there was ample time for me to absorb it.  Also to fight against it.  As a teenager I fought against it in a defiant manner.  A "no, I'm going to do what I want" sort of manner.  But it's what was modeled for me as what "adults" do, and in the years I've lived on my own, I've found it has at times become a reality.  Ironic, since, while I am just beginning this journey of combatting it, my mom has found much healing, and is increasingly embracing moments that are just for her, and not filled with activity.

Eventually, I will get out of bed.  There are a few things I really do want to get done before I have to head to the airport this afternoon to pick L. up.  But, for the moment, I'm reminding myself that health and rest need to be a priority for me, and that I had a rough night last night, filled with tossing and turning, wakefulness, and odd dreams, and that it's okay to be laying here, resting.

Sometimes the lists are the most helpful thing in my life.  Sometimes they make me crazy.  But I'm learning to combat their accusing stares, and remember why I make them in the first place - to help me get the most out of life - and to remember that sometimes the most out of life means sleeping late, or resting because it's the better option, even when the list of stuff to do is long.