Saturday, November 21, 2009

Buying joy...

It was an odd night again. Some combination of waking and sleeping.

Some mixture of dreaming and seeing and praying.

This morning I am fighting the exhaustion a bit more than usual. A week of nights like that has left me tired, and perhaps a bit more emotional than I'd prefer.

Weeks like this make the fight to find joy, to see life differently, to write a better story, that much harder. When the exhaustion comes crashing in, and the days and nights have blurred into a constant fight, it is hard to not fall prey to those negative voices. It is hard to not wallow in tears and exhaustion, and find every little thing to be discouraging.

Days like this make budgeting hard. It's the last week of a paycheque and money is tight. But when I feel like this, I want to make it easier to be joyful. I want to shop, or drive somewhere far away, or buy an airplane ticket. I want to try to "buy" joy.

It works, you know, for a little while, buying joy. There is a temporary satisfaction, a boost, that is hard to match. Yes, it fades, but for a little while it works.

Today, though, I'm not going to do that (other than buying groceries, and that hardly counts).

I'll actually probably clean. Cleaning seems like something that would help today.

I'll clean and think and pray. I'll do a few errands (some for work, and some for me). I have a treatment scheduled at the natural health practitioner I'm seeing in an effort to get my health issues under control. I have some projects that have been on my "to do" list for quite a few weeks and months, so maybe I'll tackle one of those. Or maybe I'll see if there is anything interesting playing at the movie theatre, and take myself on a solo movie date. The day has possibilities.

And, quite frankly, because I don't feel like cooking breakfast just for myself, and the tight budget means that the "treat" of a macdonalds breakfast that I would often bribe myself with is not such a great option, I'm going to start this day with chocolate cake. Chocolate cake and vitamins. Because I take vitamins with every meal.

If I can't buy myself joy today, I'm going to have to find it someplace free, and chocolate cake for breakfast seems as good a place as any!