Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Evening Thoughts...

This has been the good sort of day.

Not for any particular reasons. Just because.

Joy, even amidst tears.

I'd cried twice before coffee break this morning. Tears that caught me off guard both times. But not the lingering, hovering, exhausting grief that is sometimes there. Just moments of sadness, of deep emotion. And then they passed.

I've never stopped being surprised when the tears come. So many years of depression where they wouldn't flow at all. This last year and a half of challenges, where they came rarely.

I wonder if other people know what a priviledge it is when their tears flow freely? How beautiful that is?

I find the tears surprising and beautiful. They've been coming often these days, and sometimes, I still try to hide them. Hide them because they expose my heart, and the things that touch me deeply, and it is embarrassing in a culture that values solitary strength to cry often and freely. But, in these days, when I don't seem to have a choice, when the tears appear unannounced and flow freely; when they color my voice and redden my eyes, I am learning that it is okay for my heart to be exposed. That most won't reject it when it shows. That even when it is misunderstood, it is still valuable, and that compassion can be beautiful.

So, it was a day filled with joy, sometimes colored by tears.

There was laughter with a friend at work.

And an encouraging (if unfortunately short by necessity) coffee with a long-time friend.

Many questions to ponder.

Vietnamese take-0ut.

A lovely sun set.

I think I'm off to journal, just as soon as I write one more post with the Daily 5.

There is so much going on in me, and in my life these days, so much to process that journaling is starting to feel a bit overwhelming. I'm making it a habit to write, at least something, on a daily basis right now. Often that means grabbing ten minutes first thing in the morning, after I arrive at work, and before the day officially begins to recount the night's dreams, and get them off my mind a bit. I'm needing to remind myself of yet another of the helpful lessons I picked up from Anne Lamott - writing only what fits in a 1" frame. Breaking it down into small assignments. Taking it "bird by bird" as it were.

So, I'm off to tackle just one "bird", one little frame of thought for the evening.

Just as soon as I write the daily 5. This is one of those nights where I think they'll come easily.