Restless

There's a lyric from a Steve Bell song I've always loved that says something to the effect of "I guess I'll just be restless 'til you satisfy me"

Stillness has been kind of an elusive thing for me this last week or so.

I have a need to be moving. To fill time.

Trying not to think. To combat the panic and the loneliness that come sometimes late at night, or in the early hours of the morning, after I wake and before I pull myself out of bed.

I've attacked projects with a sort of manic discipline. A need to be doing something combined with a drive to feel different.

I'm back on regular supplements to help me sleep. I'd dropped the strength of the supplements by 2/3, so I was sleeping, but waking often, and not dreaming. A friend of mine recently pointed out that the omnipresent fear in my life was exhibiting itself in this area as well. That the active and intense and spiritual nature of my dream life scared me, and so I was making unhealthy choices - afraid to allow myself to hit a stage of deep sleep. Her words weren't easy to hear. In fact, I set them aside, and just to prove her wrong, immediately went back to taking the higher dosage of the supplement I use for sleep.

She was right.

I've been taking the full strength dosage again for about 12 days now. The first several nights I think my body was so sleep deprived that I just slept. Deeply. For four or five straight hours. Which, if you're me, is kind of a miracle. The last week or so, though, the dreams have started again. Not the fully intense ones that are remembered on waking. These are the ones marked by tossing and turning, by flashes of images, and words, seemingly unconnected. By waking unsettled and shaken and off-kilter, struggling as I head into the day.

Today there is panic. Thinking about decisions I've made. Asking if they are truly right for me.

And this longing for change. This discouragement at waking still struggling so deeply.

Laying here in the dark, talking again with Jesus about the story of the man at the pool of Bethesda, "do you want to be well?"

desperate cries.

Rational self-talk, and attempting to only take the 24 hours that are ahead of me - no obsessing about things 3 weeks away.

I used to take a lot of comfort in that Steve Bell lyric that I opened this post with. "I guess I'll just be restless 'til you satisfy me." It promised a drawing near of Jesus, a satisfaction.

These days it feels like a statement of resignation. The sort that says I believe he'll satisfy because I still believe scripture promises that he is truthful. The sort that offers hope that is cold and distant. And don't get me wrong, I'll take hope in whatever form it comes these days, even the really distant sort. But right now, I'm tired of restless, and I'm longing for quiet, and for Him to come and satisfy me. To quiet the manic racing of my spirit, and bring rest.