Monday, May 04, 2009

And oddly peoply sort of day...

It was an odd sort of day. Filled with people and moments.

I found my heart hurting, myself crying out to God in desperation from the moment I came awake from my dreams this morning.

I had a long conversation with a relatively new, relatively temporary employee at work first thing this morning. I didn't really expect to actually chat about the real stuff of life with her. She's married to our general manager, and is just helping us through a transition by coming in for four hours a day in the mornings to answer the phones and do whatever administrative tasks we can throw her way. As we've talked, she's informed me several times that she feels that she and I are "kindred spirits" of sorts. It's funny, because I didn't expect to like her, or respect her. I didn't expect to love her heart for God and people. But this morning we sat in my office, sipping our respective cups of tea, and chatted for probably 15 or 20 minutes about our respective weekends, and about some very broken people in each of our lives, and the ways those people have challenged us and our faiths.

I had a conversation with someone else today that rocked the core of my already hurting heart. A conversation about grace and forgiveness and judgment. I don't understand, though I suppose I've been guilty of it, how it is that we cling so strongly to judgment, when grace is offered. I also received an email along the same lines of this conversation. An email that started out promising, but left me sad.

I spoke with a work acquaintance on the phone, and he mentioned a trip that he is making. A trip that is my dream trip. A trip that God called me to. It was fun to hear someone talk with excitement about the trip. But hard on my heart as well. Because it is a dream that feels fleeting and distant still. Something for which I am longing, for which I hope and pray and wait.

I had dinner tonight with a long-time friend. We met in our last year of high school, via mutual involvement with Young Life. We share a sarcastic sense of humor, a preference to not be the person in the spotlight, and a love of things like books, museums, and the zoo. I hadn't seen her in over a year. After one of the hardest years of my life. So, over dinner, and some post dinner wandering of the mall in which the restaurant was located, we navigated the catching up on a year of each other's lives. And each other's families, since we've known each other long enough that we know bits and pieces about each other's parents and siblings as well. I shared more than I expected to share about my own year. She felt bad, I think, that in the midst of what had obviously been a hard year we hadn't managed to connect. We tried a number of times, but the timing never panned out. All in all though, we mostly talked about books, and work and family, and the fact that she is now expecting her first child with her husband.

It was a good way to spend an evening all things considered.

But this day was hard. Very full of people.

And full of things that hit my heart at some of the deepest core places.

And so, I'm sitting in bed, getting ready to read and pray, and then sleep.

And see what tomorrow brings.


Anonymous said...

Every step towards grace, and every step towards a step towards joy.