Sigh

I melted down, just a little when I got home from work tonight. More tears than in a long time, but still not the sobbing release that I'm longing for.

Then, I went back to avoidance. I'm very good at avoidance. I'm not very good at lying to myself.

I went to the mall. I got starbucks. I came home and ate dinner. Watched an episode or two of the West Wing on dvd. Took a long, hot bath with the novel I'm currently reading. And all I could think through all of these things I love was that I was avoiding talking with Jesus.

Because, you see, I really didn't want to meet with Jesus at the end of a long day. I wondered if he'd show up. I wondered what kind of pain might come with meeting him.

So the night wore on, and I began to realize something. I complain all the time about the nights on end where I sleep poorly. When I'm avoiding, I'm guaranteed to sleep even more poorly than usual.

So, I spent time on the floor. Waiting, and listening.

Did He show up? I'm not sure, but at least, for 30 minutes or so, I wasn't avoiding. And hopefully that means I'll catch at least a little bit of sleep tonight.