I guess I'll just be restless...

I've been thinking more since I wrote yesterday. I've had a song called "Restless" by Steve Bell floating around my brain for the last couple of days. (If you don't know Steve Bell, he's a fabulous Canadian singer/songwriter from Winnipeg. Part mystic, part theologian, a fantastic story-teller, and master of the art of lament.)

I was chatting with Kari and Steve for a few minutes about that last bit - the lament bit - at the conference my company hosted last weekend. I'd met Steve a number of times in the past, and when we started looking for suitable entertainment for 300 Mennonites, he came to mind. It went great. But, as I was saying, since we were chatting about lament, I wanted to take the opportunity to say thank you to Steve for talking openly about the need for laments in the church, and for writing so many fantastic songs that express lament. His music was some of the only "Christian" music I listened to during all of those years of depression.

I particularly listened to the song I mentioned at the beginning of this post, off of the "Waiting for Aidan" album (my personal favorite, for so many darker emotions that I deeply related to at various points, as well as the offered hope.) Through those years of depression, of wanting to die, but knowing I could never act on that; of begging God to simply release me - from life, from any committment to him, since it had been so painful, I identified with these words that Steve penned. They came back again yesterday morning, as we were driving to church, and again last night as I headed out to see a movie, and yet again off and on all day today. Particularly this line:

I get no rest from the days of my week
I get even less on a Sunday
Sunday's become the antagonists' feast
Like an arrow through me

This is how I felt yesterday, as I headed to church to prepare to celebrate the risen Christ. I wondered where he was, why, on this day of all days, I couldn't seem to summon the hope and joy that the day was supposed to entail. Why I couldn't seem to find direction for my future.

I'll give you the whole lyric now... I can't help longing. So I guess I'll just be restless till He satisfies me.

Restless
(music and lyrics by Steve Bell)

Blest are the departed
The repose for which I long
To descend into the fathomless quiet of God

Wretched are the rest of us
Tossed upon the sea
And I guess I'll just be restless till you satisfy me

I get no rest from the days of my week
I get even less on a Sunday
Sunday's become the antagonists' feast
Like an arrow through me

So I fly to a desolate place
Here am I
Falling on my face
To silence every claim to my soul
Just to see God sitting high on a throne
But I'm not yet free
That's my dis-ease

Scanning the clouds for some sign of your face
Maybe the whole thing is folly
Like waiting for Eden to rise from the lake
But I can't help longing

So I fly to a desolate place
Here am I
Falling on my face
To silence every claim to my soul
Just to see God sitting high on a throne
But I'm not yet free
That's my dis-ease

Blest are the departed
The respose for which I long
To descend into the fathomless quiet of God

Waiting are the rest of us
Tossed upon the sea
And I guess I'll just be restless till you satisfy me
So I guess I'll just be restless till you satisfy me.