- Starting the day by chatting with L, my former roommate, on another continent
- the good news that in not so many months, I'll get to chat with her in person, since she's coming for a visit
- laughing over a sign for a course in "Practical Intuition" It feels like intuition should either be practical, or else those words are a complete oxymoron. In any case, seeing the two words paired together made me laugh.
- hugging several dear friends who have lost loved ones recently
- attending a funeral that, hours later, continues to rattle around inside my head and heart, stretching my faith in ways I don't yet understand
- a treatment to end the evening
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 65
Today's Daily 5:
Interruption in Routine
When I left for California, there were dozens of little routines that defined my day.
Check email. Maintain the lives of various virtual animals on iphone games. Write at least one "real" blog post along with the daily 5 list. use a phone app to keep track of how much sleep I got the night before. play such and such a facebook game. Keep up on blog reading and facebook.
My crazy living situation added particular things to my routine too. Get up. Find out when the bus comes. Catch the bus to mom and dad's. Eat breakfast. Make sure to fit a shower in sometime before going home. Go through the day. Figure out whether I have a ride home, or need to take the bus.
I like routine. Routine doesn't change. It feels safe.
And sometimes it smothers and adds pressure without me even noticing.
The only routine that came with me when I traveled was writing a daily 5 list, and that was different because I wrote that every night sitting across from a friend I'd spent the day with, laughing, and essentially co-writing it.
The interruption in routine was worth it.
I didn't realize that I was feeling pressured to cram things into my day.
When maintaining the life of a virtual animal in a game, and managing to check in at the right times of the day becomes a source of pressure, it's time for that to end.
When making sure to read every article (or at least skim them) in google reader becomes an obligation, it's time for some paring down of what's in google reader.
The interruption in my routine was a blessing.
It gave me breathing space.
It forced a step away from the routines.
The virtual farm, ranch, bird sanctuary, fish tanks and stores shut down.
I didn't miss reading every news headline from the bbc in google reader.
I came home and reevaluated.
Some of those routines I picked back up. And some I let die.
And now I'm waiting.
Waiting to see what comes. What new routines will be added. What else needs to be subtracted.
But I've been thinking for weeks about that interruption in routine. About the fact that I deliberately left home to create time to think and pray, but also that it forced a stop and restart of life here. And I'm thankful for the relief from pressures I hadn't even noticed.
Check email. Maintain the lives of various virtual animals on iphone games. Write at least one "real" blog post along with the daily 5 list. use a phone app to keep track of how much sleep I got the night before. play such and such a facebook game. Keep up on blog reading and facebook.
My crazy living situation added particular things to my routine too. Get up. Find out when the bus comes. Catch the bus to mom and dad's. Eat breakfast. Make sure to fit a shower in sometime before going home. Go through the day. Figure out whether I have a ride home, or need to take the bus.
I like routine. Routine doesn't change. It feels safe.
And sometimes it smothers and adds pressure without me even noticing.
The only routine that came with me when I traveled was writing a daily 5 list, and that was different because I wrote that every night sitting across from a friend I'd spent the day with, laughing, and essentially co-writing it.
The interruption in routine was worth it.
I didn't realize that I was feeling pressured to cram things into my day.
When maintaining the life of a virtual animal in a game, and managing to check in at the right times of the day becomes a source of pressure, it's time for that to end.
When making sure to read every article (or at least skim them) in google reader becomes an obligation, it's time for some paring down of what's in google reader.
The interruption in my routine was a blessing.
It gave me breathing space.
It forced a step away from the routines.
The virtual farm, ranch, bird sanctuary, fish tanks and stores shut down.
I didn't miss reading every news headline from the bbc in google reader.
I came home and reevaluated.
Some of those routines I picked back up. And some I let die.
And now I'm waiting.
Waiting to see what comes. What new routines will be added. What else needs to be subtracted.
But I've been thinking for weeks about that interruption in routine. About the fact that I deliberately left home to create time to think and pray, but also that it forced a stop and restart of life here. And I'm thankful for the relief from pressures I hadn't even noticed.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 64
Today's Daily 5:
- Having an apology accepted
- eating a banana for breakfast
- An unexpected phone call from a friend on a really rough morning, inviting me out to lunch
- an email from another friend that reminded me that I am loved
- another email reminded me I am being prayed for and taking steps towards being really free
- lunch and prayer with a dear friend
- sunbeams
- basil mayo and Mediterranean flat bread at the restaurant for lunch
- learning a new word in Spanish
- a long hot shower
- leftover Chinese take-out for supper
- dropping off a few resumes and getting an almost immediate call scheduling an interview for Wednesday afternoon
- a day that was so much better than it seemed it would be upon waking
- really great service (above and beyond) at the Blacks Photo location I went to to get photos printed
- complimentary printed photos because of issues I'd been having with the website for Blacks this last week
- lighting candles
- spending a chunk of time sticking photos of people I love and of moments that are happy memories to a wall where I can see them easily.
Limbo
If I could take back the last hour and a half, I would.
Sometimes this living my entire life in limbo business catches up to me, and exhaustion piles up, and I stay stuff I regret.
out loud. to people I love.
this was one of those nights, the sort of ridiculous capper on a day that actually wasn't too bad.
honestly, after moments like this I contemplate life as a hermit, and battle against feeling convinced that I don't fit in any sort of polite company.
and I speak out of this place of limbo.
and out of a place where the longer the limbo lasts, the more invisible and discouraged I feel at times.
and I battle some long held thought patterns. lies mostly.
thankfully with a bit more help than I used to have.
tonight I am reminding myself that I'm not a total disaster all of the time.
that for most of today I was not an emotional basket case (or that I at least didn't share my basket-case like feelings with the world at large.)
that not every day will be like this.
that I am taking steps in my life to make this better.
but today, right this minute, with tears running down my face, after having another tired, emotional and angry conversation with someone I love, I feel just a bit helpless and hopeless and alone.
and living in limbo feels like hell.
Sometimes this living my entire life in limbo business catches up to me, and exhaustion piles up, and I stay stuff I regret.
out loud. to people I love.
this was one of those nights, the sort of ridiculous capper on a day that actually wasn't too bad.
honestly, after moments like this I contemplate life as a hermit, and battle against feeling convinced that I don't fit in any sort of polite company.
and I speak out of this place of limbo.
and out of a place where the longer the limbo lasts, the more invisible and discouraged I feel at times.
and I battle some long held thought patterns. lies mostly.
thankfully with a bit more help than I used to have.
tonight I am reminding myself that I'm not a total disaster all of the time.
that for most of today I was not an emotional basket case (or that I at least didn't share my basket-case like feelings with the world at large.)
that not every day will be like this.
that I am taking steps in my life to make this better.
but today, right this minute, with tears running down my face, after having another tired, emotional and angry conversation with someone I love, I feel just a bit helpless and hopeless and alone.
and living in limbo feels like hell.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 63
Today's Daily 5:
- peanut butter toast
- a morning laying in bed without wondering if the noises upstairs were my sketchy uncle moving around, and wondering what he was doing
- a reminder in a chocolate wrapper that it's okay to say "no" sometimes
- reminding myself of truth in the midst of some really tough moments
- watching a bit of food network early in the day
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