Battling through the fears...

I leave in the morning... just a two hour drive to a friend's home tomorrow, then another couple hours driving on Friday, followed by two flights.

My best friend, M. came over to help me pack this afternoon... she was invaluable, and made the process fun instead of stressful... helped me to have someone to talk through the decisions with - do I take this or that? the white or the beige? helped me that she's travelled all over the world for lengthy periods of time. Plus, she owed me. I packed her for a trip to Africa for 2 months a couple years ago, and a trip to Nepal and Pakistan for three months last year.

I went to Mom and Dad's for a bit this evening... Mom is a craniosacral and massage therapist, and she gave me a treatment/massage... it helped relieve a bit of the stress...

It's not news to anyone who knows me well that I struggle with fear issues in a major way. These last few days have been out of control fear wise.

In the spirit of being really honest here, let me just tell you some things.

I have been so stressed and afraid that my stomach has stopped tolerating food. I haven't eaten since Monday night. I'm existing on water and gatorade and fruit juice. I'd really like to tell you that this is the first time this has happened to me, but it's old hat.

I've been fighting off panic attacks at night. I'd like to tell you that I've never experienced that before either, but it's happened dozens of times.

In the spirit of describing exactly how huge it is that I'm flying across the ocean for the next month, let me just tell you that I have attacks of fear when I go to stay with very dear friends for the weekend in a town only an hour's drive away. I push through fear every time I meet a youth kid for coffee, every time I go somewhere new, step into a new situation. Unless the situation is perfectly familiar and predictable, I battle fear.

The thing about the fears is that I know they're irrational. I know that making this trip is making a step of obedience - that I am doing something God has called me to do. I know that I am doing this in the safest possible environment, with the best possible friends for this step. I even get frustrated with myself for being terrified, for having such irrational fears.

I know that in a day or two, once the trip is underway I'll be fine, but in the meantime, I'm fighting off the fears.

I'm dealing with panic, and nausea. I'm sleeping very little. I'm thinking irrationally. I'm feeling faint from not eating, and exhausted from the lack of sleep.

And underneath, I'm excited. I'm thrilled that I'm going to spend the next month with dear friends, praying for Malta, and the world. I'm thrilled that I'm going to spend Ash Wednesday in Rome with a dear friend. I'm thrilled at the prospects of a couple days in London with some other dear friends.

But until I'm there - until I push past the fear of stepping so completely outside of my comfort zone, so far from that which I can control, I need to face the fear, and I need to believe that the next time I decide to travel somewhere to pray, the fear will be a little bit less, and that each time after that, it will continue to lessen. I need to believe that there will come a point where I won't spend days puking and sleepless before making a step of obedience.

I know Jesus walks with me, and I need to believe that He is stronger than the fear, and that his strength and grace are more than sufficient in this space.

Here I go...

Home

The day finally ended.

I'm done work for something like the next 5 weeks.

I'm doing laundry so that I can pack tomorrow and laying on a couch, trying to recover from a day without eating.

Gatorade is a girl's best friend sometimes.

Tired is a good descriptor right now.

Needing to accomplish some stuff, but not entirely sure I have the energy to do it all. Going to have to push through.

I'm at home.

Last Day at the Office...

The stress has finally kicked in fully and made me ill.

I'm sitting at my desk, working to not think about how completely nauseaus I am. Working to not recall the "tossing my cookies" way my day ended last night, and started this morning.

My temp - the one for whom today is my last day to explain some important information about my job - hasn't shown up, or called, or given any indication whatsoever why she isn't sitting at my desk, taking on my job, with me here just to give some last minute instructions and answer some last minute questions.

This is my last day at work. It can't end soon enough.

Enough Light for the Next Step - Henri Nouwen

Enough Light for the Next Step

Often we want to be able to see into the future. We say, "How will next year be for me? Where will I be five or ten years from now?" There are no answers to these questions. Mostly we have just enough light to see the next step: what we have to do in the coming hour or the following day. The art of living is to enjoy what we can see and not complain about what remains in the dark. When we are able to take the next step with the trust that we will have enough light for the step that follows, we can walk through life with joy and be surprised at how far we go. Let's rejoice in the little light we carry and not ask for the great beam that would take all shadows away.

More from Henri Nouwen...

I got three more reflections in my email from Henri Nouwen today that I thought I'd share with you...

Living the Moment to the Fullest

Patience is a hard discipline. It is not just waiting until something happens over which we have no control: the arrival of the bus, the end of the rain, the return of a friend, the resolution of a conflict. Patience is not a waiting passivity until someone else does something. Patience asks us to live the moment to the fullest, to be completely present to the moment, to taste the here and now, to be where we are. When we are impatient we try to get away from where we are. We behave as if the real thing will happen tomorrow, later and somewhere else. Let's be patient and trust that the treasure we look for is hidden in the ground on which we stand.

Spiritual Choices

Choices. Choices make the difference. Two people are in the same accident and severely wounded. They did not choose to be in the accident. It happened to them. But one of them chose to live the experience in bitterness, the other in gratitude. Thesechoices radically influenced their lives and the lives of their families and friends. We have very little control over what happens in our lives, but we have a lot of control over how we integrate and remember what happens. It is precisely these spiritual choices that determine whether we live our lives with dignity.

The Gift of Friendship

Friendship is one of the greatest gifts a human being can receive. It is a bond beyond common goals, common interests, or common histories. It is a bond stronger than sexual union can create, deeper than a shared fate can solidify, and even more intimate than the bonds of marriage or community. Friendship is being with the other in joy and sorrow, even when we cannot increase the joy or decrease the sorrow. It is a unity of souls that gives nobility and sincerity to love. Friendship makes all of life shine brightly. Blessed are those who lay down their lives for their friends.