"Special" Birthday

There are lots of things I could talk to you about today.

I could tell you that I’ve arbitrarily declared today to be December 1, because the two inches (and still coming down) of snow we have is acceptable for December 1, but in my opinion is completely not acceptable for April 20th.

I could tell you how glad I am for a cup of passion tea this morning.

I could tell you about eating pizza with Megs last night, and starting to watch a movie, getting twenty minutes in and turning it off and going shopping instead. (I can’t even tell you the title of the movie, because I’ve forgotten it. It was crude, dirty, had David Duchovny and Julianne Moore and Maggie Gyllenhal and someone else, and sounded so inoccuous on the back cover that neither one of us remembered to look at the rating or the comments that go with the rating. Can I just say that I have an incredibly bad track record of picking independent or lesser known movies – the ones I pick are almost invariably BAD. So if you’re ever watching a movie like that with me, don’t let me pick!)

I could tell you about the attitudes I was raised with, the ones I was thinking about on the way to work this morning as I slogged through the snow from the train station. The ones that say that spiritual warfare is something that only happens in lesser developed countries. The ones that say that poverty is something I should care about if it’s a starving African child, because they can’t help themselves, but something I should look down on if it’s a north-american street person, because really, why don’t they just get it together and find a job?

Or, now that I’ve got those other things out of my system, I could tell you why April 20 is a special day for me. I think I’ll just go ahead and do that.

You see, 19 years ago today, I knelt down on the dirty chocolate brown shag carpet that was then in our living room (can you say 1970’s leftovers!?) beside my mom, and, in the simplistic language that a four year old uses, “asked Jesus into my life.”

My parents made a big deal out of this. They made a big deal out of reminding us every year, honoring this choice, the commitment we’d made. They’d remind us, even when we forgot about our “special birthday” (which we also called our “spiritual birthday”). We had a special dinner plate that we used to use for special occasions. I don’t remember exactly what all was on it, but it was blue and white, and I remember that it said “you are loved” on the rim somewhere. Basically, it showed up for each of us two or three times a year, on our actual birthday, on our “special” birthday, and maybe when something really exciting happened. My parents believed in celebrating our unique accomplishments and special occasions.

I resented April 20 for a number of years. All those years of depression, when I was praying that God would simply release me from the “unknowing” commitment I made at age four. I was begging God to let go of me, because it seemed that all I’d ever had from him was pain. If he wasn’t going to let me go, I told him, then just let me die, because I was done living.

Last year, my healing was new, and I was embroiled in the midst of caring for some very “messy” people, handling some messy stuff in my own life, and job hunting, and April 20th passed without notice or incident.

But today, I’m grateful. I’m grateful to the four year-old me, the simple faith that handed my life to Jesus. I’m grateful in hindsight for all the years that Jesus walked with me, through pain and depression and suffering. And I’m grateful for my relationship with him today. I’m grateful that I can say that I’ve known Jesus and even tried to walk with him for most of the last nineteen years. I’m grateful for the healing he’s brought. I’m grateful for the deep heart knowledge of his love for me. And so, inside me today, I’m celebrating. I’m reveling in a significant moment. I’m enjoying my “special birthday.” And I’m passing birthday wishes on to you. May you know Christ, be found in him, not having a rightousness of your own that comes from the law, but a righteousness that is through faith in him. May you know Christ, and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death and so somehow to attain to the resurrection of the dead. (Philippians 3).

Two Quick Things

First, check out this article. I found it fascinating. What would happen if you had a virtuoso violinist play a $3.5 million dollar stradavarius in a subway station in a major American city? Would anyone notice? Would he make any money? And what does this say about North Americans and their ability to slow down and appreciate beauty? Read the article to find out!

Second, I have one more bit from Henri Nouwen (because so often the emails are so good that I just have to share them). This bit follows from what I posted yesterday.

Freedom Attracts
When you are interiorly free you call others to freedom, whether you know it or not. Freedom attracts wherever it appears. A free man or a free woman creates a space where others feel safe and want to dwell. Our world is so full of conditions, demands, requirements, and obligations that we often wonder what is expected of us. But when we meet a truly free person, there are no expectations, only an invitation to reach into ourselves and discover there our own freedom.

Where true inner freedom is, there is God. And where God is, there we want to be.

More from Henri Nouwen

Got another great Henri Nouwen bit in my email this morning and thought I'd once again pass it along.

The Spirit Will Speak in Us
When we are spiritually free, we do not have to worry about what to say or do in unexpected, difficult circumstances. When we are not concerned about what others think of us or what we will get for what we do, the right words and actions will emerge from the center of our beings because the Spirit of God, who makes us children of God and sets us free, will speak and act through us.

Jesus says: "When you are handed over, do not worry about how to speak or what to say; what you are to say will be given to you when the time comes, because it is not you who will be speaking; the Spirit of your Father will be speaking in you" (Matthew 10:19-20).

Let's keep trusting the Spirit of God living within us, so that we can live freely in a world that keeps handing us over to judges and evalutators.

Tuesday Thoughts

Here, in no apparent order are the things I’m thinking about tonight…

I think yesterday was very much needed for me. I am a person who requires much quiet time and space to process life. When big things happen, in my life, or in the lives of people close to me, I need that time and space. When I don’t get it, my mind, and then my body begin to shut down. That’s what happened yesterday. The weekend was full of some big things. And I had little time or space to recover from those things.

I’ve discovered that, though I love people, I respond to them in one of two ways. There are people that I find drain my energy, and people who I find to be life and energy giving. Of course, there is a great deal of variance, and even the best, most life-giving relationships can be draining. I made a tentative decision about a possible roommate for the future on the weekend, basing the decision on this theory, though I hadn’t thought of it until tonight. I tentatively ruled out living with a particular friend because her lifestyle is one I find very draining, and is not one I want spilling over into my home.

I crashed yesterday in part because of the high number of draining interactions I had over the weekend, and the very little time that I had to recoup from these interactions.

I am thinking again about traveling. I am feeling the pull of the nations. This makes me laugh. A year ago, I came home from Mexico more convinced than ever that my place, my calling, my ministry was to the North American church. I still believe that, but long for the enrichment of the church around the world, for the coming of the kingdom of God in all kinds of wild and crazy places.

On that same theme, I’ve had a song running through my head all day today, and off and on for the last week or so. It is one I had only known a little, but that Megs reminded me of. It was the song on her heart for her time in Pakistan, a country she found immensely oppressed spiritually. The lines that play over and over again in my head go like this:

We speak to nations – be open
We speak to nations – fall on your knees
We speak to nations – the kingdom is coming near to you
Oh we speak to strongholds – be broken
Powers of darkness – You have to flee
We speak to nations – The kingdom is coming near to you
We speak to you
Be Free
Be Free.

As I lay in bed yesterday, I was listening to a dramatization of “Prince Caspian” by C.S. Lewis, from the chronicles of Narnia. This, while not my overall favorite of the series, holds some of the moments of encounter with Aslan that I love the best. I was caught by two different ones of those encounters as I lay there listening again yesterday, and moved equally by both, as both gave voice to the words of my heart in this present season of life.

In the first scene, Lucy has just come upon Aslan directly for the first time in the novel, and is discussing a failing from a bit earlier. Aslan responds by asking her to carry out a rather difficult task, and Lucy’s response is telling. Lewis writes, “Oh dear, oh dear,” said Lucy. “And I was so pleased at finding you again. And I thought you’d let me stay. And I thought you’d come roaring in and frighten all the enemies away – like last time. And now everything is going to be horrid.”

In the second bit, Susan, who had doubted the appearance of Aslan in this story, doubted his presence, and his ability to intervene in the situation they found themselves in, speaks with him for the first time.

Lewis writes:

Then, after an awful pause, the deep voice said, “Susan.” Susan made no answer but the others thought she was crying. “You have listened to fears, child,” said Aslan. “Come let me breathe on you. Forget them. Are you brave again?”

“A little, Aslan,” said Susan.

What catches me again, as I read these bits to type them here, is that both of these girls are Queens – women who have known the victory and beauty of life, who have tasted freedom and lived accordingly. And yet, both lost that sense of purpose for moments in time, and sucuumbed to fears. They responded differently, Lucy lamenting that the lion had not simply eliminated her enemies, and Susan doubting his presence, but both, once drawn into the presence of the lion drew from him strength to move forward. I am encouraged by Susan’s response to Aslan’s question, “Are you brave again?” for a little bravery is all that really seems necessary to make the next steps.

And so, I once again, as on that night of healing, find myself asking God to be Aslan in my life, to come and breathe on me, to refresh me, to allow me to bury myself in him, and find the strength to answer, “Yes, I feel a little bit brave again – I’ll go wherever you ask and do whatever you require. I’ll make the next step, whatever it may be.”

More from Henri Nouwen

I received the following two bits from Henri Nouwen in my email over the weekend at work, and thought I'd pass them along to you. Especially since I've been doing a lot of "spiritual reading" over the course of Lent the last few months. A longer post coming probably later today or tonight. I won't have the usual down time at the office today to write and think, since I need to play catch-up after being at home yesterday...

Reading Spiritually About Spiritual Things
Reading often means gathering information, acquiring new insight and knowledge, and mastering a new field. It can lead us to degrees, diplomas, and certificates. Spiritual reading, however, is different. It means not simply reading about spiritual things but also reading about spiritual things in a spiritual way. That requires a willingness not just to read but to be read, not just to master but to be mastered by words. As long as we read the Bible or a spiritual book simply to acquire knowledge, our reading does not help us in our spiritual lives. We can become very knowledgeable about spiritual matters without becoming truly spiritual people.

As we read spiritually about spiritual things, we open our hearts to God's voice. Sometimes we must be willing to put down the book we are reading and just listen to what God is saying to us through its words.

To Let the Word Become Flesh
Spiritual reading is food for our souls. As we slowly let the words of the Bible or any spiritual book enter into our minds and descend into our hearts, we become different people. The Word gradually becomes flesh in us and thus transforms our whole beings. Thus spiritual reading is a continuing incarnation of the divine Word within us. In and through Jesus, the Christ, God became flesh long ago. In and through our reading of God's Word and our reflection on it, God becomes flesh in us now and thus makes us into living Christs for today.

Let's keep reading God's Word with love and great reverence.