Feeling Anew

I’ve been thinking this week about one of the most beautiful things about the experience of living a life that is depression free after so many years of depression. It’s this – I can feel again.

For all those years of depression, I lived in a constant state of pain that eventually numbed my ability to feel anything but the pain. I lived in a state of numbness, unable to truly enter into any emotion fully. I knew I was miserable, but that was it. That was the normal reality of life.

I reconnected with an old friend for coffee earlier this week, and was sharing the story of God’s healing in my life, and it hit me again how beautiful it is to be able to feel things.

I suppose it seems ridiculous to someone who has never experienced a lengthy loss of the ability to experience a breadth of emotion, but these days, I celebrate every tear, every moment where I am overcome with laughter, every momentary sensation of awe. At times, the wide breadth of emotion leaves me feeling like I have entirely lost any sense of equilibrium. I cry at EVERYTHING these days, but I laugh at everything too. It seems weird to me, even a year and half later, that I can again feel things. In fact, I was so numbed, that it took probably the first year for me to truly understand what I’d been missing, and why I was suddenly so “emotional” about everything.

And so, this morning I sat on the c-train on my way to work, and marveled at the beauty of the mountains in the early morning sun. I smiled as I felt the sun work to warm my face. A few months ago, I celebrated the ability to grieve.

I love that I feel things deeply. Emotions are such a blessing of God, such a beautiful act of healing in my life!

Bono and Bill Hybels

I had a chance tonight to watch an interview that Bono did last summer with Bill Hybels for the Leadership Summit 2006. It was being shown at a local church, and my best friend was going, so I tagged along with her.

It was fantastic. If you get the chance to see it, you should. And if you know me, and would like to see it, let me know. My dad has a copy, and I'm thinking of setting up a viewing for a bunch of friends.

It was funny, profound, and even musical - basically all the things that are best about that famed Irish rock star named Bono. And it raises some beautiful questions.

My favorite line (loosely paraphrased)? "We need to stop asking God to bless what we're doing, and start looking for where he's already working and go there, because He is blessing that."

More on T's Wrist

Hi all... To go with what I posted yesterday, requesting prayer for my brother, here is an emailed prayer request/update that he sent out to our church family today. It made me cry, because I know the depth of emotion attached to this for him, and because we are very close as siblings. It hurts me that my baby brother is suffering in this way, and I really would appreciate your prayers for his healing. (Also, he has had to give up not only guitar, but volleyball, basketball, and several other sports activities that he has always enjoyed.)

Hello church family, its been a few months since I last updated you on my wrist, so here we go again. In the past few months i've had physio therapy, x-ray, bonescan, MRI, and chiropractic treatment, and unfortunutely nothing has helped me. The specialist is still unable to diagnose my problem, thus treatment is nearly impossible. I talked to one of the heads of the Music Department at Rocky (my college) today, and she told me (understandably) that I can't stay in the music program if my wrist doesn't heal. I would ask you to pray for healing, but also for me to accept this situation with Joy. I am praying for God to transform my attitude so that I can honestly be joyful and say I am blessed despite my circumstances. However, I am finding this to be a difficult goal. My inability to play both guitar and the sports I love is causing me a great deal of pain and struggle. I would greatly appreciate your prayers for my healing and growth through this time.


Your brother in Christ

T.

Prayer Request

Hey all, if you have a minute, I'd appreciate it if you'd pray for my baby brother (and by baby, I mean 18 years old, 6 feet tall!)

He's a music student at a local school. For the last semester, he hasn't been able to play his guitar because of a wrist injury. The doctors have now exhausted nearly all options (we're waiting on one more test and then there's a few really expensive, shot in the dark type medication options) and can't figure out what's wrong, or how to treat it.

T. is getting pretty discouraged because of this. Guitar has always been his passion, and he's facing the possibility of losing it right now. He's struggling deeply, as he very carefully sought God's direction before entering music school, felt that God was directing him to go ahead, and within four months found himself unable to play his instrument.

I asked him the other day if it was something where he could simply go back to playing, and simply ignore the pain. It isn't.

So, if you have a minute, and are so inclined, I'd appreciate your prayers for my brother.

Stiff neck

I'm regretting whatever position it was that I slept in last night (though sleep is a strong word for what actually occurred!). However I slept, my neck is making me pay for it today! Oh, well, these are the moments when it's probably a good thing to have a mother who is a massage and cranio-sacral therapist - I can probably get her to fix it up for me tonight!