Trying to see if this is working... blast blogger and it's darned new version!
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Friday, January 26, 2007
Technical Difficulties.
Having a few problems with blogger and making the switch, so if I suddenly become silent, you'll know that I haven't disappeared, just can't access my account.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Two Things - Opposite and Concurrent
There are two major things developing in my life somewhat concurrently at the moment, and I feel as if I’m living between the two things, being pulled in opposing directions.
The first thing is a growing deep knowledge of my status as beloved daughter of God. I remember quite distinctly writing an email to a friend a number of years ago and asking her if she knew that God loved her – not knew in a head sort of way, but knew in a deep heart knowledge sort of way. I guess it would have been four or five years ago, in one of my first years of university. Back when the depression was just starting to set in and I was railing against it and God, full of questions that never seemed to have answers. Questions about the existence of God, about what his involvement was in the world, and was it really true that this seemingly all-powerful being could love me deeply, when no one on earth seemed to, and I could hardly even love myself.
I suppose that over the years, as the depression got deeper, I simply stopped asking. The question rose again when my depression was so suddenly and miraculously healed in November 2005. Suddenly I had to acknowledge that there must be something about me God liked, to intervene in my life in so powerful a way.
A year or so ago, I listened to Brennan Manning preach a sermon. Very little of what he said stuck with me, but I recall him mentioning that praying the simple prayer, “Abba, I belong to you” was perhaps the most powerful prayer he had ever prayed. Manning went on to encourage his audience to meditate on these words.
I don’t know when exactly it was, but sometime in the fall, when I was practicing a discipline of jotting down a few lines of prayer each night before I fell asleep, I started closing each night by jotting down that line.
What surprises me oh so greatly is what has happened in my heart over the course of several months of praying that prayer. I have come to actually believe it. To know deep within me that I am beloved of God. Kari spoke something of this sort over me at one point, and I have to confess to being somewhat skeptical and disappointed by the words – not believing that it was possible for anyone to understand this about themselves. And yet, in the last month or so, I have found such incredible peace, such joy, such rest in that truth that worms itself ever deeper into my heart.
The other thing that has developed is both a long-time thing, and a newly emerging thing. It is somewhat less easy to live with.
Since I agreed to become involved in youth ministry at Hope For Life, and particularly since I had the car accident on December 16th I’ve experienced a strong sense of spiritual attack.
Fear has been an issue in my life for as long as I can remember, but in the last month it has intensified greatly. I have felt manipulated by it, and constantly at war with it. Consequently, I have been physically and emotionally exhausted. Every time behind the wheel of a car is a challenge. Every time a less than savory person gets too close to me on public transit I cringe and begin to plan my route of escape – scream, run, hope that someone nearby will come to my rescue. I’ve questioned my ability to do simple tasks, questioned my self-worth, and questioned the leading of God as I’ve prepped myself for growing involvement with the youth.
I can readily identify the lies, but am having great difficulty combating them. I worry about stepping back into ministry in such a state. It was at this time last year that I was rapidly approaching burn-out from caring for two high needs young women with little or no support network and spiritual covering. I have wondered if I am stepping back into this sort of situation.
The fears have once again affected my sleeping patterns, adding physical exhaustion to the mix.
This is a new thing, to live between the knowledge of myself as beloved of God, and the heavy attack being leveled on my life by the enemy. I confess to being uncertain as to how to handle this. How to combat the fear, or if I should even bother. I wonder how these two things can coexist. How I can know the love and fatherly protection of God with such certainty, and yet feel so very vulnerable, attacked and exposed.
I guess I just keep walking?
The first thing is a growing deep knowledge of my status as beloved daughter of God. I remember quite distinctly writing an email to a friend a number of years ago and asking her if she knew that God loved her – not knew in a head sort of way, but knew in a deep heart knowledge sort of way. I guess it would have been four or five years ago, in one of my first years of university. Back when the depression was just starting to set in and I was railing against it and God, full of questions that never seemed to have answers. Questions about the existence of God, about what his involvement was in the world, and was it really true that this seemingly all-powerful being could love me deeply, when no one on earth seemed to, and I could hardly even love myself.
I suppose that over the years, as the depression got deeper, I simply stopped asking. The question rose again when my depression was so suddenly and miraculously healed in November 2005. Suddenly I had to acknowledge that there must be something about me God liked, to intervene in my life in so powerful a way.
A year or so ago, I listened to Brennan Manning preach a sermon. Very little of what he said stuck with me, but I recall him mentioning that praying the simple prayer, “Abba, I belong to you” was perhaps the most powerful prayer he had ever prayed. Manning went on to encourage his audience to meditate on these words.
I don’t know when exactly it was, but sometime in the fall, when I was practicing a discipline of jotting down a few lines of prayer each night before I fell asleep, I started closing each night by jotting down that line.
What surprises me oh so greatly is what has happened in my heart over the course of several months of praying that prayer. I have come to actually believe it. To know deep within me that I am beloved of God. Kari spoke something of this sort over me at one point, and I have to confess to being somewhat skeptical and disappointed by the words – not believing that it was possible for anyone to understand this about themselves. And yet, in the last month or so, I have found such incredible peace, such joy, such rest in that truth that worms itself ever deeper into my heart.
The other thing that has developed is both a long-time thing, and a newly emerging thing. It is somewhat less easy to live with.
Since I agreed to become involved in youth ministry at Hope For Life, and particularly since I had the car accident on December 16th I’ve experienced a strong sense of spiritual attack.
Fear has been an issue in my life for as long as I can remember, but in the last month it has intensified greatly. I have felt manipulated by it, and constantly at war with it. Consequently, I have been physically and emotionally exhausted. Every time behind the wheel of a car is a challenge. Every time a less than savory person gets too close to me on public transit I cringe and begin to plan my route of escape – scream, run, hope that someone nearby will come to my rescue. I’ve questioned my ability to do simple tasks, questioned my self-worth, and questioned the leading of God as I’ve prepped myself for growing involvement with the youth.
I can readily identify the lies, but am having great difficulty combating them. I worry about stepping back into ministry in such a state. It was at this time last year that I was rapidly approaching burn-out from caring for two high needs young women with little or no support network and spiritual covering. I have wondered if I am stepping back into this sort of situation.
The fears have once again affected my sleeping patterns, adding physical exhaustion to the mix.
This is a new thing, to live between the knowledge of myself as beloved of God, and the heavy attack being leveled on my life by the enemy. I confess to being uncertain as to how to handle this. How to combat the fear, or if I should even bother. I wonder how these two things can coexist. How I can know the love and fatherly protection of God with such certainty, and yet feel so very vulnerable, attacked and exposed.
I guess I just keep walking?
Reading on the agenda
A full update tonight. I wrote it last night, but didn't have the time to put it up here.
Also on my agenda for tonight, a trip to the library to pick up the titles I've put on hold. Books by and about Frederick Buechner, Oscar Romero, Ernesto "Che" Guevara, Dorothy Day, Simone Weil, and others.
And, at least an hour of studying the book of Mark - Saturday is coming quickly, and I need to start developing cohesive thoughts and some idea of where I would like to begin studying with the girls.
One thing I do know. We're going to pray. As much as possible. About anything and everything. We're going to invite God to show up and teach us.
Also on my agenda for tonight, a trip to the library to pick up the titles I've put on hold. Books by and about Frederick Buechner, Oscar Romero, Ernesto "Che" Guevara, Dorothy Day, Simone Weil, and others.
And, at least an hour of studying the book of Mark - Saturday is coming quickly, and I need to start developing cohesive thoughts and some idea of where I would like to begin studying with the girls.
One thing I do know. We're going to pray. As much as possible. About anything and everything. We're going to invite God to show up and teach us.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Out
(everytime I see the word out on it's own, I think of that line from Shakespeare - can't remember which play, Macbeth or Hamlet, I think, high school english is kind of blurry... anyway, the line I always think of is "out damn spot!")
With that rabbit trail aside, let me first tell you that you will hopefully get a properly developed, not written on the fly, reflection of what I'm currently thinking about later today.
But, in the meantime...
I had a conversation with my youngest brother last night. Turns out we are at the moment of the same sentiment regarding Calgary. We both desperately need some time away from the city. We have some of the same reasons, and some reasons personal to each of us, but we are in agreement, it has become an almost desperate longing to get away from Calgary for at least a few days. He's going to Edmonton this weekend for a school choir concert (but since he hates choir, that's not so much a break!) I on the other hand, have no immediate plans for escape, but am hoping something irresistible will come up sometime soon.
See you later today, I hope!
With that rabbit trail aside, let me first tell you that you will hopefully get a properly developed, not written on the fly, reflection of what I'm currently thinking about later today.
But, in the meantime...
I had a conversation with my youngest brother last night. Turns out we are at the moment of the same sentiment regarding Calgary. We both desperately need some time away from the city. We have some of the same reasons, and some reasons personal to each of us, but we are in agreement, it has become an almost desperate longing to get away from Calgary for at least a few days. He's going to Edmonton this weekend for a school choir concert (but since he hates choir, that's not so much a break!) I on the other hand, have no immediate plans for escape, but am hoping something irresistible will come up sometime soon.
See you later today, I hope!
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