There are two major things developing in my life somewhat concurrently at the moment, and I feel as if I’m living between the two things, being pulled in opposing directions.
The first thing is a growing deep knowledge of my status as beloved daughter of God. I remember quite distinctly writing an email to a friend a number of years ago and asking her if she knew that God loved her – not knew in a head sort of way, but knew in a deep heart knowledge sort of way. I guess it would have been four or five years ago, in one of my first years of university. Back when the depression was just starting to set in and I was railing against it and God, full of questions that never seemed to have answers. Questions about the existence of God, about what his involvement was in the world, and was it really true that this seemingly all-powerful being could love me deeply, when no one on earth seemed to, and I could hardly even love myself.
I suppose that over the years, as the depression got deeper, I simply stopped asking. The question rose again when my depression was so suddenly and miraculously healed in November 2005. Suddenly I had to acknowledge that there must be something about me God liked, to intervene in my life in so powerful a way.
A year or so ago, I listened to Brennan Manning preach a sermon. Very little of what he said stuck with me, but I recall him mentioning that praying the simple prayer, “Abba, I belong to you” was perhaps the most powerful prayer he had ever prayed. Manning went on to encourage his audience to meditate on these words.
I don’t know when exactly it was, but sometime in the fall, when I was practicing a discipline of jotting down a few lines of prayer each night before I fell asleep, I started closing each night by jotting down that line.
What surprises me oh so greatly is what has happened in my heart over the course of several months of praying that prayer. I have come to actually believe it. To know deep within me that I am beloved of God. Kari spoke something of this sort over me at one point, and I have to confess to being somewhat skeptical and disappointed by the words – not believing that it was possible for anyone to understand this about themselves. And yet, in the last month or so, I have found such incredible peace, such joy, such rest in that truth that worms itself ever deeper into my heart.
The other thing that has developed is both a long-time thing, and a newly emerging thing. It is somewhat less easy to live with.
Since I agreed to become involved in youth ministry at Hope For Life, and particularly since I had the car accident on December 16th I’ve experienced a strong sense of spiritual attack.
Fear has been an issue in my life for as long as I can remember, but in the last month it has intensified greatly. I have felt manipulated by it, and constantly at war with it. Consequently, I have been physically and emotionally exhausted. Every time behind the wheel of a car is a challenge. Every time a less than savory person gets too close to me on public transit I cringe and begin to plan my route of escape – scream, run, hope that someone nearby will come to my rescue. I’ve questioned my ability to do simple tasks, questioned my self-worth, and questioned the leading of God as I’ve prepped myself for growing involvement with the youth.
I can readily identify the lies, but am having great difficulty combating them. I worry about stepping back into ministry in such a state. It was at this time last year that I was rapidly approaching burn-out from caring for two high needs young women with little or no support network and spiritual covering. I have wondered if I am stepping back into this sort of situation.
The fears have once again affected my sleeping patterns, adding physical exhaustion to the mix.
This is a new thing, to live between the knowledge of myself as beloved of God, and the heavy attack being leveled on my life by the enemy. I confess to being uncertain as to how to handle this. How to combat the fear, or if I should even bother. I wonder how these two things can coexist. How I can know the love and fatherly protection of God with such certainty, and yet feel so very vulnerable, attacked and exposed.
I guess I just keep walking?
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
I have been reading your site for some time and haven't commented yet. I relate with a lot of what you say. I'm a pastor's kid, have struggled with depression, love to write and think deeply, would like to move out but can't afford it yet and so on.
Anyways, I had a thought recently that may or may not help you. I was reading a novel about a missionary on her first night in the village of a rather dangerous tribe. One of the men suddenly poked thier head into her cabin and stood there staring at her for awhile and then left. She had the sudden realization that out there, in the jungle, God was her only protection. That line caught my attention as I realized that even here in the West, nothing is truly predictable. Nothing really stands between us and danger but God. A few days earlier I had heard the phrase in my spirit "dependence on God is the only safe place." I get worried so easily. I worry about finances, worry about making wrong decisions, offending people, being in an accident and so on. But if I truly believe that God is taking care of things, that he loves me, that no matter what happens he is never not in control, then how can I not feel safe. The facts of my circumstances may say one thing...everything my senses are shouting at me may tell me to run and hide, but God's truth tells me that I stand on an unshakeable foundation, safe within the shadow of his wings. There are no worst case scenarios with God. His love always wins.
Anyways...I don't know if those thoughts will help at all, but I thought I'd share them. I can share more about what I've learned about authority in prayer too if you want. But I thought I'd start with this bit and just say hi...thanks for posting!
Thanks for stopping by. Feel free to comment any time.
I am very confident in the love of God, however, am also experiencing a high level of spiritual attack recently. While ultimately there is nothing that can harm me for eternity, there is unfortunately the very real reality of the possibility of harm here on earth.
I'd love to hear a bit about authority in prayer. Feel free to pop me an email at the address in my profile.
That Brennan manning prayer is one I pray often. It is what I pray when I otherwise have no words. I find it very calming. In breath, Abba, out breath, I belong to you.
Post a Comment