A Melancholy Happiness

I finished writing a long journal entry a few minutes ago, ranting and musing. Not one for public consumption, but just for me, working through all the questions and issues floating through my brain tonight. Basically, if I don’t take the time to do that every once in a while, I don’t sleep! I’ve found these last few months that it helps a great deal to take the time to write down the things that are weighing heavy on my mind, that it brings perspective, and sometimes even peace.

The days feel long lately. I haven’t been feeling that well physically, and I find myself dreaming constantly of being elsewhere. There continues to be something deeply unsatisfied within myself, a desire to see and experience the world, to meet God in crazy new places and ways, to have less sameness and more adventure.

I am feeling tentative as I plan and begin to really immerse myself into working with youth this month and next. This has been an area where I have felt such a strong sense of spiritual opposition, and so very little covering and support. I wonder if I am up for the challenge of working with teenagers again. I was immensely bad at even being a teenager, how the heck am I supposed to connect with them? And it is something that I sensed a rightness about when I agreed to become involved all those months ago.

I am wondering what comes next with my grandma. She is doing well, but remains in hospital. Her heartbeat continues to be irregular, despite attempts to medicate it into regularity. They have, as yet, failed to find the cause. She is waiting for an MRI, hopefully sometime this week, to provide the doctors with further information. Is it selfish to hope that this resolves, and she remains on this for a very long time to come? Is it selfish to not want to go through the process of grief right now, the long drawn out illness that my grandpa had with congestive heart failure, the watching him slowly weaken, the eventual death and all that that then entails?

I have been deeply lonely at intervals over the last while – not the sort of lonely where I never see people, because I do, but the lonely that comes from the lack of deep heart connect – the friends with whom you can be silent, or speak a thousand words. The ones who can look at your face and read your heart. Mine are all quite distant – my best friend in Pakistan, and others scattered around, and I find myself generally unwilling to begin yet again to develop those deeper sorts of relationships.

So, that’s the update. Sigur Ros is playing on my laptop, and I am well, though it may not sound it. There are deep things going on in my heart, and that always excites me, though it hurts like the dickens just presently.

One of those days

I think it's going to be one of those days.

You know, the kind where you wake up and can't get warm, despite several layers of clothing. Where you open a carton of juice and it squirts everywhere on your desk. Where being a female is just right on up there with death. Where your body aches, and your brain feels fuzzy, and you just generally wish for the day to end.

Yep. It's gonna be one of those days. And a Monday to boot!

Am I Depressed?

There have been lots of moments lately where I’ve had to pause and evaluate the state of my emotions. I’ve stopped a lot to ask myself the question, “Am I depressed?” If you’ve known me long, you know that this is a loaded question. You see, for nearly five years of my life I suffered from severe depression, though I worked to conceal it from most people. Then, just over a year ago, I had an intense encounter with the healing love of Jesus. I haven’t been depressed since.

But, it has been a year of loaded emotions, with some very high highs, and some very low lows. These last few months have been quite low. The last month in particular.

So, I’ve found myself stopping to ask, “Am I depressed?”

The answer, right now, is no.

The thing is, there’s been lots of hard things in my life the last while, lots of changes, lots of new things, lots of stressors. And it is very easy for me to see only the negative things. I quite literally have to stop and remind myself to look for the beautiful things.

So, here’s a list of some of the things that have made me smile lately:
• Neon pink crocs – maybe the most comfy (if incredibly ugly!) footwear I’ve ever had. A Christmas gift from my brothers.
• Two completed scrapbook pages in the last week. One titled “Me” and one titled “Twins?”
• Compliments on the Christmas cards I made this year.
• A laptop computer that lets me watch movies in bed, and write while curled up on the couch.
• Being in the midst of one favorite series of novels, while knowing that a second favorite series is sitting on my bedroom floor, just waiting for the first series to be finished.
• Passion tea every morning.
• A baby shower this afternoon.
• Hugs from lots of friends today.
• The chance to simply sit and chat with friends I haven’t seen in a while.
• An email from Megs telling me about Christmas in Pakistan, and all the babies they delivered on Christmas Day and Boxing Day.
• A candle lit on my dresser, flickering and adding atmosphere.
• Rewatching “Elizabethtown” while curled up in a favorite chair.

I think there are probably other things, but these are the ones that come to mind at the moment. I’m thankful for the things that are beautiful in life, amidst the things that are painful.

Things to say

I had so much to tell all of you. I was collecting the thoughts that were overflowing all day, and I was going to write a nice long post about a whole selection of things I've been thinking about lately.

But they all seem paled at the moment.

My heart aches a bit, and I am concerned.

My grandma was admitted to hospital tonight. She is suffering from an irregular heartbeat and fluid on the lungs, and they want to do tests to find out why. They're using the phrase "congestive heart failure." This is a scary phrase to me. It's what killed my grandpa when I was in the eleventh grade. We're waiting to see what comes next.

If you pray, please lift my grandma, and our family before Jesus these next days.

Maybe I'll be able to write all the other things tomorrow.

Quiet Day...

Today was the kind of quiet day I dearly love.

Slept in a bit. Did some baking. Did a lot of reading, relaxing. Did some cleaning and organizing. Exercised some creativity - made a really fun scrapbook page. Got an email from my best friend, and read another inspiring post on her blog about her Christmas in Pakistan (babies... lots of babies!).

Hung out with the extended family for a while tonight over a chili dinner at my grandma's.

And tomorrow I go back to work. Which is kind of an icky thought, really. It's been a bit tense there lately, and there's likely quite a pile of stuff on my desk waiting for me to return, which could make for a bit of an interesting day...

Things to "look forward" to this month...

• paying my first ever traffic ticket (a remnant from the accident)
• A visit to Marty and Kari for a weekend.
  
• scrapbooking - feeling inspired again lately. I may even go out and shoot some photos that aren't of people.
• Reconnecting with an MK that I've known for years who is moving to Calgary to work for six months or so.
• Sorting out finances for the future.
• Continuing the attempt at learning to drive standard.
• using my new laptop bag to pack up my computer and find cozy coffee shops to curl up in and hopefully get some writing done.
• Starting a bible study for the high school girls.
• Dreaming and planning the future (and more particularly the next year or so of my life!)