The things I need to say...

It's been an interesting day. And I think my heart is being shattered by the infinite reality of what it means to love some of the people that God has called me to love. By the reality that a life can become so devalued that a decision like getting in a car with a drunk driver seems logical. By the reality that I have no control over her decisions. That all I can offer is a listening ear and a promise that my love for her will not change.

There was the phone call this morning that I wrote about in my last post. Then I was listening to the incredible story of the way God orchestrated circumstances and miracles in the ministry of a friend of our family who was a missionary to a tribe in Malawi. (I have this on CD - and you should all email me and ask me to mail you a copy - because it is truly incredible!) Then my dad informed me that a Ghanaian pastor friend of his lost his beautiful little three year old daughter to malaria last night. I am caught by the fragility of life, and the seemingly random circumstances of God's interventions. After the phone conversation, I got an email from that same friend, and it scared me all over again - the level of oppression and of fear of healing in her life astounds me. And I can't help but wonder why God did such incredible things for this man's ministry in Malawi, but this tiny little girl in Ghana was allowed to die. Why God so carefully orchestrated things for this man's ministry twenty years before he ever ended up in Malawi, before he was even a believer, but the orchestration of my friend's life allowed for the abuse, neglect, and evil, that are such challenges to overcome all these years later.

I wrote an email to my friend - one that I'm not sure yet that I'll send, but it has a lot of things in it that I need to say, somewhere, even if it's only here. It's one of those things that refused to not be written, and to not be shared, but that I am not sure should be shared with her yet. Maybe it's just for me and God, and for those of you who have been listening in on my conversations with God lately via this blog. I'm going to put it here, with a few changes to identifying details, in order to protect her privacy. The email she sent to me, that I was replying to, had a number of comments that disturbed me, including an intention to cut herself off from the world for a time - to avoid me in order to avoid having to pray through some issues (something I would and could never make her do.) It also included some discussion of her weekend plans - which may or may not be somewhat foolhardy.

Friend,
Getting an email like this from you scares me. Because it makes me wonder how honest you really were when you told me on the phone as we finished our conversation that you were fine. Because if you're not going to talk to me until next month sometime, you weren't fine.

You already know what I'm going to say about going out this weekend. Be smart about it please. For my sake, okay? You don't have to avoid (another friend) and I - neither one of us is going to force prayer or anything else on you. If you don't know that by now, I'm really sorry. Maybe we've been pushy in the past, who knows...

Here's the deal. I love you. I care about you as much as I care for myself. And I'd love to see you make some really wise and healthy choices. Call the counselor. Pray - by yourself or with us - I don't care. Don't endanger your life by getting into a vehicle with that man when he's had too much to drink. Don't party too hard in an effort to escape the reality of your life right now.

I want you to know how often you're on my mind and heart. I want you to know how many whispered prayers I've prayed on your behalf. I want you to know that I'm still going to be there, even if you make a really bad decision. I'll be there if you get hurt because he was drunk and you got in a car with him. Yes, I'll be angry that you were in that position. I'm angry now that he puts you in the position of making that choice. And I'm angry that you continue to choose to get in that vehicle. I'm angry that you've grown up in such a way that there is so little for you to value in your own life. I'm hurting because a beautiful little three-year-old African girl named Rachel that my family knows died of malaria last night, and it wasn't preventable. But your choice to take your life into your hands by getting in his car is preventable. And it makes me angry that there is so little that says that you must value your life. Because life is the greatest gift ever, and yours is infinitely valuable. My anger doesn't change the fact that I love and care about you - in fact, it's because I love and care about you.

So, yes, I'll be there even in the consequences of the bad decisions. But, here's the deal. I'm not going anywhere, but neither will my conscience allow me to be silent when you make those decisions. I have to speak the truth that rests in my mind and heart. And I am painfully aware of how fragile your trust in me is, and every time I open my mouth to speak truth to you, I do it with the awareness that what I'm going to say could very easily damage the trust I've worked for you to build in me. And yet, my heart will not allow me to stay quiet. Because it hurts me when I watch you hurt yourself in these ways.

I think that's it. I mostly wanted to say again that I care. A lot. That I'm not going anywhere. That I'm sorry if I've hurt you, but not sorry that I've challenged you on some things. That I'm praying for you and everyone else affected by this time. But especially for you. That my heart is crying for you, that I wish there was something really practical and tangible I could do, instead of just watching your pain. That I wish I could have given you a real hug this morning instead of a "phone hug." That I love you, and Jesus does too, even when it doesn't feel like it.

Lisa

Grrrr...

I spent the last 28 minutes talking very loudly into my phone. With a lot of vehemence, annoyance, and frustration.

You see, someone I know is consistently making a very dumb decision - choosing to get in a vehicle with a drunk driver. This person has lost friends to drunk driving, and yet continually chooses to get in a vehicle driven by someone consistently drunk. Furthermore, the person is defending the decision that she recognizes as stupid. And it makes me crazy.

Because I've been walking with her through life for quite a while now, and there is a complete lack of logical intelligence to this though pattern. The idea that this is the only dumb decision that's been made in the last three weeks just isn't cutting it. Yes, there are all kinds of other issues tied up in the situation, but none of them seem to be important enough for my friend to consistently risk her life in this manner. And no matter what I say, that isn't getting through.

And I am beyond my ability. At least she doesn't mind when I get really loud and blunt. Because that's how I was today. She likes that part of me - which I think is crazy - I'm not even sure I always like that "how can you be so blind" mentality that occasionally erupts from me. In some weird way, it amused this friend, and it often cuts through the issue and gets truth through to her. It didn't today. Apparantly we have to agree to disagree. What is that anyway - why should I agree to disagree with her, and thereby allow her to continue doing something stupid? Maybe that's what really ticks me off - that I didn't get through - that sometime in the next three days, she will be in a vehicle driven by a drunk driver. And I'm scared.

Jesus, protect her. Put your guards around her life and body. Can you do that even when she's knowingly endangering herself? Would you do that? Please? And could you continue to give me wisdom to handle this friendship? Teach me what to speak as I walk through this difficult time in her life. I am Yours - my hands are open and I desire to be used by you.

Riding in Cars...

Yes, it was a Drew Barrymore movie. Yes I stole at least part of the movie's title. But hey, it got your attention didn't it?

Titling is the worst part of writing for me. I can never come up with very creative titles. I usually titled my school papers along the lines of "A Review of...." or so on, because it was easier than trying to come up with a creative way to sum up my thesis in ten words or less. I think if I was an artist, all my works would be called things like "Untitled 1," "Untitled 2," "Man with Dog" and so on... But you can't really do that as a writer - your title is your hook - the line that draws the reader in and compells them to see what you have to say. And I mostly suck at titles... oh well... will you bear with me anyway?

So, anyway, back to what I actually wanted to talk about... Riding in cars. I have decided that God speaks to me most clearly when I in a vehicle. No. Seriously. I can name pretty much all of the significant God moments in the last several years of my life, and probably 90% of them have occurred while sitting in a vehicle. There's something about sitting (particularly in the dark) without having to make eye contact if you don't want, that lets you really share your life and thoughts. It's way easier to be vulnerable in that place. (Although I have had some significant God moments when I was alone in a vehicle as well....)

I sat in a car until 3:30 this morning, catching up on life with a friend, sharing and ultimately praying together. And it was fabulous. Worth every second. Yes, I regretted it a tiny little bit when I dragged myself to work this morning after four and a half hours of sleep, but more in the "my brain is not fully functional for my job" way than in the "that was a waste of my time what was I thinking way." Because I don't regret it. Because God was there again - as we shared the stuff that had happened in our lives in the month or so since we had last been together.

I actually have a bit of a reputation with my friends for car chats. (although chat might be too facetious a word!) I've heard them tell other people that if they need to have a serious conversation, they should have one of my "famous" car chats with me. I don't know. Maybe it's just the "counsellor" nature in me! Someone affirmed this week that I would actually be good at this counselling thing as a career. It was so encouraging to hear someone say that. Especially since I know that God is calling me to serve him in this sort of manner.

Whew! riding in cars... if you ever want to come with me and have a "car chat" let me know... I'd love it - particularly if you drive... but if I drive, I'll take you to my favorite thinking spot - where we can watch the lights of the city sparkle, watch planes land at the airport, talk, and speculate about the slightly "fogged" windows in some of the other cars. I promise to leave if our windows start to fog!

When you still don't have much to say...

use a bullet point list!

• My new copy of Matthew Paul Turner's The Christian Culture Survival Guide arrived yesterday. I loaned my original copy to someone, and then they disappeared, and I never got it back. So I ordered a new one. I love this book. If you have not read it, you must. I mean, you really should. Particularly if you've ever wondered if anyone else around you found this Christian thing just a little bit odd. Plus, it has lots of lists. Lists like, "Tell-tale signs you're about to encounter an 'old-fashioned' meeting with the altar," "Fifteen kinds of church people to look out for," "Eight ways to know if you might be worshipping your pastor," "Seven church cliches that need to go - NOW," "Five phrases highly offensive to many Christians," and my two personal favorites, "Seven Types of Guys (for girls to choose from) in Church Culture," and "Eight Types of Girls (for guys to choose from) in Church Culture." Plus, the book is not just all sarcastic amusement - it actually is encouraging. I know, because I've read it several times, and because, it happened to appear at our church Christmas party - where several friends who had also read it agreed with me, and where one of our pastors took great delight in reading a number of the above lists to whoever would sit on the couches where we were hanging out and listen to him. YOU MUST READ THIS BOOK!!!
• I'm almost financially stable again. For a few months anyway, until my student loans come due. It's amazing what three weeks of fulltime work will do.
• I have to go to the bottle depot for my mom today. I hate the bottle depot. It smells bad, and the people there are kind of scary, in that stereotypical way that makes you feel guilty for being slightly creeped out by them.
• I'm frustrated with one of my coworkers right now. She's scheduling me poorly, being less than flexible, and is entirely caught up in her own importance. I was handling a big order for some customers last night, was doing quite well on my own, and she inserted herself into the process. Irritating. Plus, she cut my hours for today, so I had no choice but to allow her to take care of a major portion of the prep work that I need to do before the customers come in to finalize their order with me this afternoon. And then she snaps at all of us because she has so much to do, and we don't really have anything to do because she took it all from us. ARGHH!
• Okay, well, now that I've vented a little, I'm off to the bottle depot, possibly to do some other errands, and then to work. Here's to hoping my friends come through and we're hanging out tonight or tomorrow night! I need a break from my house, a break from my family, a break from thinking about work, a break from crises, and a chance to just chill with my favorite people in the world!

What I've Been Up To

I noticed today as I was scanning some of the previous posts on my blog that I've been somewhat cryptic and circumspect over the last while.

A lot of that has had to do with the situations I've been dealing with. In order to protect the privacy of my friend, I've been unable to discuss the difficult things we've faced.

I also already mentioned that the situations in my friend's life, and the situations in my own life have driven me into an introspective, meditative, musing, muddled sort of state over the course of the month, that has not facilitated clear un-muddled writing.

With that said, here, in all its bullet-point glory is some of what I've been up to:

• I've done a LOT of reading. Nine or so books in fact. Not counting the two or three I'm currently reading. From the list, which is laying beside my computer on my desk, I recommend: Through the Narrow Gate by Karen Armstrong - a spiritual memoir about a woman who joins a catholic order, and eventually leaves, several years later. Messy Spirituality by Mike Yaconelli - I can't say enough good things about a book with the subtitle "God's Annoying Love for Imperfect People". Velma Still Cooks in Leeway by Vinita Hampton Wright - a beautiful, artistic, and deeply spiritual novel, without being trite or sappy.
• I've handled a lot of crises. Enough said.
• I've wrestled with family issues. Things with my parents. Areas of deep woundedness related to my family and upbringing.
• I've done a lot of desperate praying. I'm getting really good at the "help" type of prayers - for my own life and for others too.
• I'm learning to pray other things too. The single words like "hallelujah" and "immanuel" that I've mentioned here before. Brennan Manning's prayer, "Abba, I am Yours."
• I'm learning to listen a little more patiently for God. I'm still not hearing much, but I'm learning to pause and actually listen, not just fill every silence with words.
• I'm discovering a need to share my story. I have been blessed in the last few weeks a number of times by people who drew parts of the story of these crazy last months from me.

I think that's all I have to say for now. This is not everything. In fact, it's not even a snapshot in some ways. But I'm still feeling pretty introspective, I'm in the middle of a tense spot in a fairly enjoyable novel, I'm very tired, and I think I may heat up my "magic bag" and crawl into my cozy nook of a bed, and read, or journal, or possibly just sleep!