Almost Made It

I almost made a big step today. Almost. I hate that word. I almost made a phone call that could change a number of things is my life. Almost. But I didn't. I chickened out. Again.

I have known for several months that God was asking me to make a step of obedience. A step outside of my comfort zone, and a step against my fears. I've been putting it off for nearly as many months as I've known that God was asking this. He told me months ago that it was time to do something I'd been debating for a year - that this is the next big step of healing for me. And I've put it off.

I can rationalize this with the best rationalizers out there. For the first two months, I didn't have the information I needed to make that step, but I was actively seeking the information. Then, suddenly, it was summer, and I had a new job, and was busy. I needed to make the phone call during the day, but I was never home during the daytime hours. There was never a convenient moment.

The more I rationalized, the more my sense of urgency to obey dissipated. I was able to ignore God's direction quite nicely. But that didn't stop me from complaining about how my relationship with God had gotten worse, how he had grown steadily more silent. What a little hypocrite I am!

And yet, I am terrified to take this step. I am terrified that this next step of healing will necessitate further breaking, further pain, and I'm not sure I want to go there. I hate that I can't control this next period of my life, that it is uncertain and probably pain-filled. And I'm afraid. Afraid to let myself fall apart, afraid to heal and leave this place of woundedness to which I have become accustomed over the last few years.

My house church talked on Tuesday night about where we were with God - about struggling and healing, and pain and Jesus. I told some dear friends how much I know I need to make this step, and how I have been unable to do it, how I have procrastinated for nearly 5 months, and no longer feel the urgency, but am instead numb, tired, and frustrated with my faith. That I have thought about giving up this whole "faith journey" because it seems to be pointless, to be traveling nowhere, and resolving nothing.

My friends prayed with me, and promised to hold me accountable. One made me promise that I would get at least 50% ready to make this step this week - only she knew that this was a step that you either make or you don't - you can't be halfway ready. She called me today, to find out if I had made the step. I hadn't, and wouldn't commit to making it in the remainder of the day.

Tonight, I feel pain more deeply than I have in a long time. Not only have I once again failed to make that step of obedience to God, but I know the disappointment that will be in the eyes and voice of several of my friends the next time I see them or talk to them on the phone. I have failed God, I have failed myself, and I have failed my friends. I am a coward, a person controlled by fear. And, thought I tell myself that come Monday afternoon I will pick up the phone and obey, I cannot convince even myself of that. I wonder if I am lying to myself? It is at moments like this that I wish I was once again a small child - with no independence, and someone could simply make that step on my behalf, could take me by the hand and lead me there. Instead, God is calling me to step into the terrifying unknown, and I'm not sure I'll survive the leap.

Quote of the Moment: Take 3

These quotes are failing to generate discussion... how dull... I thought that last one by Gandhi would at least generate one or two responses. Oh well, I still love quotes, and, since it is MY blog they'll probably keep appearing here! Without further ado, the quote of the moment is:

Vision is the art of seeing the invisible.

~Jonathan Swift~

On History

I love the feeling of the beginning of a new semester of school. So much anticipation for good classes, good books, interesting research, fascinating people. I don't regret for a minute that I will graduate at Christmas with a degree that probably won't open a whole lot of doors for me - what is history useful for anyway? I can't figure out how to apply this passion, this degree of mine to a profession that will pay the bills for my dreams of travelling, of graduate studies, of independence and not living with my parents much longer.

So, for the moment I'm enjoying purchasing books and getting ready to read them. Two arrived by mail today - John Bunyan's "Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners" and Steve Wilkens "Good Ideas from Questionable Christians and Outright Pagans." The first is for a class, the second is just for fun. I order as many of my textbooks as possible online from Chapters/Indigo because they're generally cheaper than the university bookstore - sometimes only a few dollars sometimes as much as fifty percent less. Either way, it's worth it.

I love history. I see God in it. So much of it is the story of his church - until somewhere between 1500 and 1700 C.E., the church is the dominant institution - it shapes everything. Yes, it is not always a positive story, but it is still the story of how God worked in the past, and gives hope that He will work today amidst a universal church that seems to attract more criticism than gratefulness and praise from its members.

I love to learn, and I've been priviledged to be taught by some excellent scholars. I've been blessed with some stellar professors, but I've had my share of the ones where it was easier to learn if you just skipped class and read the textbook. You can tell, sometimes, the professors that are Christians. I attend a secular school, and their personal faith is something that does not enter into the classroom, but you can tell. The attitude they bring to history is more positive, more passionate, sometimes more educated than their unbelieving colleagues. It delights me to encounter believers who bring both passion and depth of knowledge to their field. Their classes are infinitely more interesting because of their passion for their areas of specialty and research.

Now, with all that said, I'm off to read some Bunyan. I received the course outline by email, and I have a 1200 word document analysis essay due on September 20th. Class may not start until Monday, but if I don't start reading now, I may find myself in trouble later!

Quote of the Moment: Take 2

I stumbled across the following quote tonight on the web while checking here for a magazine that seems to be defunct...

"I like your Christ, but I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."

Mahatma Gandhi

Thought provoking, no? Discuss.

Relational Highs and Lows

I've had a bit of a crazy week in terms of the relationships of people around me. Some very high highs, and some very low lows. It always fascinates me, the way relationships can be like that.

I've watched a friend struggle as a member of her immediate family is slowly dieing. She has been in pain, in hiding, wondering where God is and why this is happening. I thought about her all week, prayed for God to intervene, for her to know God's peace. I've winced internally everytime I thought of her, of what she's going through. I've longed to make it better.

Then, tonight, I celebrated with a different close friend. A week ago she celebrated o­ne year of dating a fantastic guy. Tonight, she celebrated her engagement to that same guy. It has been a priviledge to watch their relationship grow - to watch them love God, and love each other, to watch him care for her, protect her, support her. I screamed when she called and told me (a fact my mother finds infinitely funny). I was supposed to spend the day with her today, but she called me late last night to cancel - her boyfriend needed to spend time with o­nly her. I told them at the party that this is o­ne of the few acceptable reasons for ditching me for a day. I couldn't be happier for them.

And so, Jesus, tonight my prayers are somewhat bipolar. Lift my friend from the darkness. Heal the wounds in her life. Heal her family member's illness. Pour your peace o­n her life. And, Jesus, bless my other friends' engagement and marriage. Pour out every good thing o­n their lives together. May they know you deeply both personally and corporately as they prepare over the next months to join their lives. Thank you, Jesus, for friends. Thank you for the depth of relationship that allows me to share in their pain and in their joy. Thank you for making the world a relational place. Thank you for being a relational God.