Almost Made It

I almost made a big step today. Almost. I hate that word. I almost made a phone call that could change a number of things is my life. Almost. But I didn't. I chickened out. Again.

I have known for several months that God was asking me to make a step of obedience. A step outside of my comfort zone, and a step against my fears. I've been putting it off for nearly as many months as I've known that God was asking this. He told me months ago that it was time to do something I'd been debating for a year - that this is the next big step of healing for me. And I've put it off.

I can rationalize this with the best rationalizers out there. For the first two months, I didn't have the information I needed to make that step, but I was actively seeking the information. Then, suddenly, it was summer, and I had a new job, and was busy. I needed to make the phone call during the day, but I was never home during the daytime hours. There was never a convenient moment.

The more I rationalized, the more my sense of urgency to obey dissipated. I was able to ignore God's direction quite nicely. But that didn't stop me from complaining about how my relationship with God had gotten worse, how he had grown steadily more silent. What a little hypocrite I am!

And yet, I am terrified to take this step. I am terrified that this next step of healing will necessitate further breaking, further pain, and I'm not sure I want to go there. I hate that I can't control this next period of my life, that it is uncertain and probably pain-filled. And I'm afraid. Afraid to let myself fall apart, afraid to heal and leave this place of woundedness to which I have become accustomed over the last few years.

My house church talked on Tuesday night about where we were with God - about struggling and healing, and pain and Jesus. I told some dear friends how much I know I need to make this step, and how I have been unable to do it, how I have procrastinated for nearly 5 months, and no longer feel the urgency, but am instead numb, tired, and frustrated with my faith. That I have thought about giving up this whole "faith journey" because it seems to be pointless, to be traveling nowhere, and resolving nothing.

My friends prayed with me, and promised to hold me accountable. One made me promise that I would get at least 50% ready to make this step this week - only she knew that this was a step that you either make or you don't - you can't be halfway ready. She called me today, to find out if I had made the step. I hadn't, and wouldn't commit to making it in the remainder of the day.

Tonight, I feel pain more deeply than I have in a long time. Not only have I once again failed to make that step of obedience to God, but I know the disappointment that will be in the eyes and voice of several of my friends the next time I see them or talk to them on the phone. I have failed God, I have failed myself, and I have failed my friends. I am a coward, a person controlled by fear. And, thought I tell myself that come Monday afternoon I will pick up the phone and obey, I cannot convince even myself of that. I wonder if I am lying to myself? It is at moments like this that I wish I was once again a small child - with no independence, and someone could simply make that step on my behalf, could take me by the hand and lead me there. Instead, God is calling me to step into the terrifying unknown, and I'm not sure I'll survive the leap.