"Not 'if' you get in, but when. We're going to say when. I have a good feeling about this."
Her words were well-meaning, and I was trying to smile graciously, and look like I was thankful for her attempt at encouragement, but inside I was cringing.
In my head, she wasn't encouraging, she was just adding another layer of pressure. Another standard to meet.
She was referring to the question of whether or not I'll be admitted to the nursing program that I've applied for. It's a question that remains very much up in the air, and one that rather haunts my days right now. A lot rides on that question, and it's answer. A lot of my life remains very much up in the air until an answer comes - likely towards the end of October, but maybe even longer.
I have this performance mentality that is deeply ingrained within me. This need to meet expectations, and the well meaning words I quoted just didn't help things.
She was trying to offer hope, a positive outlook, encouragement.
What I heard was, "It'll be such a disappointment if you don't get accepted. Acceptance is the standard by which your worth is measured."
I was thinking about those words last night as I sat on a bus on my way to house church.
About that mentality that wants to minimize expectations, and thus minimize the sense of failure, and of disappointing others. The mentality that is almost afraid to hope, afraid of what happens if that hope is dashed.
And as I sat on the bus pondering this insane need to meet invisible standards, a whisper echoed through my thoughts.
"That isn't yours to own."
huh.
God is doing a lot of crazy things in my life right now.
Changing mindsets and thought patterns.
Showing me things that are unhealthy.
And showing me a perspective that's different.
It's not mine to own. My well meaning relative didn't know she was adding a layer of pressure to my already smothered in performance expectations, needing to please self. But even if she'd known, her perspective, her perceptions, her expectations are not mine to own.
I'm responsible for me, and for God.
I'm reminding myself that I put the best effort I had into the courses I took, and that right now I have a choice.
I can wait in fear, or I can wait in hope.
I can fear rejection, or I can hope for admittance.
And I can choose to acknowledge that if I am not accepted, I will be disappointed. I will ache, and likely cry. I will probably fight the long standing battle of feeling like a failure. And then, then I will pick up the pieces and pray some more, and apply for the next session. And I can remember that the only person whose expectations I'm responsible for are mine. And that I'm ultimately accountable to Jesus.
And all that other stuff?
The thoughts and expectations of other people - real or perceived?
It's not mine to own.
I might have to be reminded of that over and over and over again.
But it's not mine to own.
Friday, October 01, 2010
Daily Affirmations
I know, I know. Two youtube videos in one week. And not even new videos. This one has been floating around for a while too, but it still makes me laugh. I came across it again as I was waiting for my flight home from California last week, and it made me smile. I'm needing a whole lot of reminders to simply affirm myself these days, and this little girl made me laugh. I watched it several times in a row and flagged it to find again later. And to share here!
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Daily 5 - Year 2, Day 46
Today's Daily 5:
- a bright blue horseshoe shaped neck pillow that I picked up while engaging in retail therapy at the dollar store late last week. seriously, this thing is really helpful when you spend as much time propped in bed working on the computer as I do - it's really helping, especially since I continue to have neck problems from the car accidents and stress.
- starting my day by spending nearly 2 hours on the phone with my former roommate, L, currently located in the UK, working.
- giggling for a good portion of those two hours as we talked about all sorts of things both important and truly ridiculous
- being reintroduced to all the "kiwi" terms I lived with for years. words like "jandals" which just totally made me smile
- a perfect, sunny fall day
- taking back some ground
- wearing a special Tibetan top that I probably hadn't worn in two years
- marking some necessary but long procrastinated chores off of my to do list
- getting a package of free product samples (including some stuff I'll totally use and had wanted to try) in the mail
- actually buckling down and applying for some jobs
- making progress catching up on emails
- pausing and hearing God speak in the oddest of moments
Odd Sort of Day
I'm sitting at my parent's house, thinking I should probably eat some supper, and then head out the door. It's Thursday and that means it's house church night. It also means I need to make sure I leave mom and dad's by 6:00 for the train station, to take a train one stop north. If I don't leave here by 6:00, I might miss my bus connection at the next station north. Since the bus only runs a few times an hour, missing it would rather complicate my evening plans.
House church is being led tonight by "that person". The one that every group seems to have. The one that no one is quite sure what to do with. It should be an interesting experience and likely provide either humorous venting, or just straight-up giggles on the ride home later tonight.
My day started well, with a phone call from my former roommate and very dear friend, L. We talked for close to two hours, catching up on three weeks or so of life, and a myriad of details. It was the kind of conversation I'm learning to look for and love. One that covers all the really important stuff of each of our lives, but still leaves room for lots of giggles, chatting, and just generally joyful and interested conversation. We cover the important things, but without the intensity that can sometimes be so painfully present. Or maybe just without the side effects of that intensity. Whatever it is, I'm trying to have more of those kinds of important conversations, and less of the ones that leave me exhausted, teary, and unable to think straight. It seems healthier some how, to find ways to talk about the important things without them taking over the entirety of my being. Without getting sick and being unable to eat. With laughter interspersed with tears.
And then, eventually, reality hit. It always does. The "I don't quite know what to do, but should probably look for work, but don't know what kind of work to look for, because I don't know if I'm going to school in January, and don't know for sure when I'll know if I'm going to school in January" reality that is currently the defining factor in my days. One of my goals for today was to send out some resumes - to at least make an effort at productivity and finding a source of income. The only question was what sort of work to apply for given the current reality. I applied for a number of part-time gigs that I'm at least interested in, if not excessively passionate about. And I applied for one, a contract position, that would fit some assumed needs just perfectly (except that it would likely preclude an escape I'd hoped to make.) This one is one I could excel at, and feel passionate about.
I have the middle of the day doldrums a lot these days. That sense of wandering, lack of purpose that I don't quite know what to do with. The sense of stagnancy and sometimes worry that comes with waiting on many, many fronts. The doldrums come and they hang out, and they make me panic as I feel my mood swing. And so I push them away, filling time and space. And waiting, always waiting.
It's been an odd sort of day. One with extremes, and things that were completely lacking in extremes. One where the doldrums hit hard and I worried at things in my head the way a small dog "worries" a toy until it comes free. Not my most stellar of days, though one with lots of little things checked off of lists, and a number of things to add to a daily 5 list at the end of the day.
Tomorrow is a chance to do this again. To be busy, and productive. To work on diet and supplements and all the little physical things that also help with the doldrums. To fill my time. To talk with Jesus. To wait patiently, without the worrying. I'll try again tomorrow, and celebrate the little victories of today.
House church is being led tonight by "that person". The one that every group seems to have. The one that no one is quite sure what to do with. It should be an interesting experience and likely provide either humorous venting, or just straight-up giggles on the ride home later tonight.
My day started well, with a phone call from my former roommate and very dear friend, L. We talked for close to two hours, catching up on three weeks or so of life, and a myriad of details. It was the kind of conversation I'm learning to look for and love. One that covers all the really important stuff of each of our lives, but still leaves room for lots of giggles, chatting, and just generally joyful and interested conversation. We cover the important things, but without the intensity that can sometimes be so painfully present. Or maybe just without the side effects of that intensity. Whatever it is, I'm trying to have more of those kinds of important conversations, and less of the ones that leave me exhausted, teary, and unable to think straight. It seems healthier some how, to find ways to talk about the important things without them taking over the entirety of my being. Without getting sick and being unable to eat. With laughter interspersed with tears.
And then, eventually, reality hit. It always does. The "I don't quite know what to do, but should probably look for work, but don't know what kind of work to look for, because I don't know if I'm going to school in January, and don't know for sure when I'll know if I'm going to school in January" reality that is currently the defining factor in my days. One of my goals for today was to send out some resumes - to at least make an effort at productivity and finding a source of income. The only question was what sort of work to apply for given the current reality. I applied for a number of part-time gigs that I'm at least interested in, if not excessively passionate about. And I applied for one, a contract position, that would fit some assumed needs just perfectly (except that it would likely preclude an escape I'd hoped to make.) This one is one I could excel at, and feel passionate about.
I have the middle of the day doldrums a lot these days. That sense of wandering, lack of purpose that I don't quite know what to do with. The sense of stagnancy and sometimes worry that comes with waiting on many, many fronts. The doldrums come and they hang out, and they make me panic as I feel my mood swing. And so I push them away, filling time and space. And waiting, always waiting.
It's been an odd sort of day. One with extremes, and things that were completely lacking in extremes. One where the doldrums hit hard and I worried at things in my head the way a small dog "worries" a toy until it comes free. Not my most stellar of days, though one with lots of little things checked off of lists, and a number of things to add to a daily 5 list at the end of the day.
Tomorrow is a chance to do this again. To be busy, and productive. To work on diet and supplements and all the little physical things that also help with the doldrums. To fill my time. To talk with Jesus. To wait patiently, without the worrying. I'll try again tomorrow, and celebrate the little victories of today.
Medieval Help Desk
This one has been floating around youtube for quite a while now, but it still makes me chuckle, and I had to share.
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