Thursday, September 30, 2010

Odd Sort of Day

I'm sitting at my parent's house, thinking I should probably eat some supper, and then head out the door.  It's Thursday and that means it's house church night.  It also means I need to make sure I leave mom and dad's by 6:00 for the train station, to take a train one stop north.  If I don't leave here by 6:00, I might miss my bus connection at the next station north.  Since the bus only runs a few times an hour, missing it would rather complicate my evening plans.

House church is being led tonight by "that person".  The one that every group seems to have.  The one that no one is quite sure what to do with.  It should be an interesting experience and likely provide either humorous venting, or just straight-up giggles on the ride home later tonight.

My day started well, with a phone call from my former roommate and very dear friend, L.  We talked for close to two hours, catching up on three weeks or so of life, and a myriad of details.  It was the kind of conversation I'm learning to look for and love.  One that covers all the really important stuff of each of our lives, but still leaves room for lots of giggles, chatting, and just generally joyful and interested conversation.  We cover the important things, but without the intensity that can sometimes be so painfully present.  Or maybe just without the side effects of that intensity.  Whatever it is, I'm trying to have more of those kinds of important conversations, and less of the ones that leave me exhausted, teary, and unable to think straight.  It seems healthier some how, to find ways to talk about the important things without them taking over the entirety of my being.  Without getting sick and being unable to eat.  With laughter interspersed with tears.

And then, eventually, reality hit.  It always does.  The "I don't quite know what to do, but should probably look for work, but don't know what kind of work to look for, because I don't know if I'm going to school in January, and don't know for sure when I'll know if I'm going to school in January" reality that is currently the defining factor in my days.  One of my goals for today was to send out some resumes - to at least make an effort at productivity and finding a source of income.  The only question was what sort of work to apply for given the current reality.  I applied for a number of part-time gigs that I'm at least interested in, if not excessively passionate about.  And I applied for one, a contract position, that would fit some assumed needs just perfectly (except that it would likely preclude an escape I'd hoped to make.)  This one is one I could excel at, and feel passionate about.

I have the middle of the day doldrums a lot these days.  That sense of wandering, lack of purpose that I don't quite know what to do with.  The sense of stagnancy and sometimes worry that comes with waiting on many, many fronts.   The doldrums come and they hang out, and they make me panic as I feel my mood swing.  And so I push them away, filling time and space.  And waiting, always waiting.

It's been an odd sort of day.  One with extremes, and things that were completely lacking in extremes.  One where the doldrums hit hard and I worried at things in my head the way a small dog "worries" a toy until it comes free.  Not my most stellar of days, though one with lots of little things checked off of lists, and a number of things to add to a daily 5 list at the end of the day.

Tomorrow is a chance to do this again.  To be busy, and productive.  To work on diet and supplements and all the little physical things that also help with the doldrums.  To fill my time.  To talk with Jesus.  To wait patiently, without the worrying.  I'll try again tomorrow, and celebrate the little victories of today.


Anonymous said...

Glad you've already got things started for your list for the day :-)

Hugs friend!

Lisa said...

yep, making the list throughout the day lately... finding it necessary to push away some of the harder thought patterns.

hugs back!