Later Sunday

I woke this morning, as I mentioned from a dream. The dream was shaking and painful, so I did the only thing I could, rose and began the day.

Hours later, I'm glad that that is the approach I took.

I sorted vitamins for the coming week (a regular Sunday morning task).

And then I headed out.

First stop was the zoo. I arrived earlier than I usually do, and the animals were quite active, some still being fed. I watched the gorillas eat and play, and stopped in fascination as the hippos ate breakfast (kind of like watching an enormous chomping vacuum cleaner) and then eased themselves back into the water.

Then I went to church. I've been trying to hear my brother sing Christmas music for several weeks, and weather has always gotten in the way. (One evening we spent three hours trying to make our way across the city to hear them sing and just never made it. Another event was cancelled because it was to be held outdoors and the temperatures were frigid that day.) This morning he was conducting the church choir he's formed, and I decided to go hear them sing. I used the sermon time to journal just a little (as I listened) about the dream I'd had.

In the afternoon, the church choir was singing at a nearby nursing home, and my mom and I went to hear this longer performance.

I then borrowed mom's much more spacious kitchen to roll out some cookie dough I'd pre-made and brought with me, and to bake the cookies.

And now I'm home, having just finished a comfort food dinner (tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich) and I'm planning to assemble sandwich cookies for a while, and then simply rest.

The animals at the zoo soothed my jangled spirits. The worship at church spoke a bit of peace to my hurting soul. The joy in the elderly people's faces as they enjoyed the choir renewed just a little bit of hope.

The losses have been great, but there have been gains as well.

And for that, I'm grateful.

Just, "Will you hold me?"

I wrote a post earlier this week thinking about unity and friendship.

I'm thinking about that again this morning. I've been thinking about it in one way or another for most of this week that has passed.

In that earlier post I shared a line I penned as a part of a poem in the summer of 2008. A line that has stayed with me ever since. "...no John 17 goodness left in me..."

I woke this morning from a painful dream.

It's been a little while, a week or so maybe, since I've had a dream of this intensity.

And this one hurt.

Full of friendships that have changed. And full of goodbyes.

And I find myself thinking again of that poem I penned two summers back, and of two of the stanzas that surround that line that has so haunted me.

Stanzas that read:

goodbye
hard words to say
not the cry for unity
that I'd desired
no John 17 goodness
left in me

just Abba, Father,
my heart hurts
"Would you hold me?"
(copyright 2008)

That's how I feel this morning. That prayer, "Abba, Father, my heart hurts, would you hold me?"

Really hold me. In the way you have in the past, and the way I know you will again in the future.

I don't know how this will all play out.

I know these thoughts hurt more at this time of year. At this time of year when you celebrate family and friendships.

I've in many ways lost some of both in the last few years.

Not the cry of unity my heart desired. Not the cry of unity my heart desires.

Just the remnants of a dream this morning, and a prayer that requires some trust. "Abba, Father, I hurt, come and hold me."

Daily 5 - Day 129

Today's Daily 5:

1. Finding what I needed at Michaels this morning after a bit of hunting.
2. George (after being sort of temperamental last night) worked well today.
3. No longer between banks. Down to just one. Old accounts closed. New one working.
4. Watching Julie and Julia while I puttered around the house this afternoon.
5. Filing done, though bedroom not quite cleaned up yet.
6. Making peanut butter puffed wheat - part of the Christmas "to be gifted" selection
7. Laughing with family tonight at the joint party for Mom and T's birthdays today and tomorrow
8. Good food - family dinners almost always have those
9. Thankful for a warm apartment, and no huge heating bills.
10. Thankful for a very productive day, that was still restful and quiet.
    

Saturday List

If you'll indulge me for a few minutes, it's early, I'm needing to clear the fog in my head, I love lists, and I'm going to make my list for the day here, since the laptop is handy, and a pad of paper and a pen aren't at the moment.

Today I need (and/or want) to:

• Go to Michaels. Return an item I bought earlier in the week that won't work for the Christmas gift I have in mind. Buy an item that will work.
• Go to old bank. Close out accounts. Get a bank draft for these amounts. Make sure that I can still have access to online banking for credit card that is still at this bank.
• Go to new bank. Deposit bank draft into new account. Hope and pray that the information I was given was accurate, and they will not put a hold on a bank draft, or I'm in big trouble. Deposit change rolls that have been collecting in my change jar (I think almost $20 now!). Deposit work reimbursement cheque. Withdraw cash for birthday gift for T. who turns 22 today. Book appointment for during time off to meet with someone about loan to reduce interest payments on debt - hopefully by half. Also to discuss a tax free savings account.
• Go to office supply shop - check price of a small legal size filing box. Buy one if it isn't too expensive.
• Go to Husky. Feed George. He could use the nourishment. He's been temperamental lately. (pray that he takes me to all these other places safely.)
  
• Home again, home again, jiggetty jig.
• Make peanut butter puffed wheat squares, and maybe another one of the sugar cookie recipes. If going to make one of the rolled out recipes, add a stop at mom's to borrow a rolling pin to the earlier list.
• Make Christmas gift mentioned in item one.
• Work on "Certificates" to be part of another Christmas gift.
• Write several Christmas cards for mailing in the next few days.
  
• Wrap birthday gift for mom (her birthday tomorrow) and write card.
• Put $$ for T. in birthday card. write card.
• Remember to rest and treat myself gently. Maybe do this by putting a clay mask on my face for a while.
• Watch the newly purchased "Julie & Julia" dvd while working on some of these projects.
  
• Clean bedroom. Especially do filing. This will be easier if filing box isn't too expensive.
• Wade through accumulation of emails.
• Do online banking, to ensure that newly deposited money is in right accounts and budget can be appropriately updated.
• Update budget.
• Show up here at least once more today to write a Daily 5 list.
  
• Attend joint birthday party for Mom and T tonight.

Oh my. That list is longer than I thought it was. And it starts with me crawling out of bed and having some breakfast. Guess that's what I'm off to do! Have a great last Saturday before Christmas everyone!

And I Burst Out Laughing

I have to tell you this. Just now I opened an email from a mailing list that I'm on. I opened it because it said it had a Christmas Offer for me. (I would have opened it eventually anyway, but hey, I love free stuff, and free Christmas stuff at that!) But I had to laugh. Inside it said something to the effect of "Merry Christmas! Please enjoy a complimentary copy of..." (I'm eagerly looking for the book title now - free books - even better!) "...Tortured for Christ..." And, I burst out laughing.

Because, while I'm certain that it's an excellent and important book, and I think the world in general needs to be more aware of just how much persecution of Christians goes on, it was just so not what I was expecting.

I mean, it's like it was saying, "This Christmas, spread the love and joy with a copy of a book on persecution and torture."

Maybe my sense of humor is twisted, or maybe it's simply that I went to bed LATE and I'm up quite early. But it struck me as incredibly ironically funny.

To be fair, I think this particular book give-away is a paid advertisement for an organization that works against the persecution of Christians around the globe, and to raise awareness of that persecution in North America where we tend to turn a blind eye to it. I've certainly received the offer to receive this book a number of times before, in various emails, from various mailing lists that reach a fairly wide spectrum of the Christian world. It was just the presentation of this particular one that caught me as funny. the "We have a Christmas Gift for you - a book about torture" motif that made me laugh.

Like I said, maybe I'm twisted... who knows...