Daily 5 - Day 109

It's another day with a 9 in the counting of it. Two actually, if you consider that it is not only day 109 of these daily 5 lists, but also the 29th of November.

This has been an incredibly challenging weekend. Full of fears and facing fears, and standing in the midst of them. Some things that are good. Some that were just hard. I've been fighting tears all day. Not because of anything in particular, but simply because I am completely and totally spent. The entirety of last week was full and busy, one of the busiest in weeks. It was one of the hardest weeks at my office in months, and the weekend was very, very full of challenges. And I am reminding myself that it is okay to be spent after a time like that. That even a "normal" person would be spent, and that my health and energy levels are still compromised from two straight years of intensity, and I am only slowly recovering, and that it is okay to simply be tired today.

And so, I'm writing a daily "5" (not sure how many I'll accumulate today), and reminding myself of the moments of joy, the moments or things that made me smile, touched my heart deeply in some way, or for which I am deeply grateful:

1. I attended mass tonight at the cathedral downtown, as I sometimes do. It was lovely to sit again in the midst of quiet ritual and let the liturgy flow over me. I arrived about half an hour early, and sat in the quiet, prayerful church, fingering the rosary I bought nearly two years ago now at the Vatican, and letting my heart slowly quiet and seek out Jesus.
2. I was moved deeply by the older Indian lady who sat next to me during mass. Moved as I noticed her devotion, the way she fingered her rosary and wiped tears from her eyes as she knelt to pray after receiving the Eucharist.
3. I was moved by this post, these prayers, at shallowfrozenwater today.
4. I am thankful for the prayers of a friend last night. We've never spoken of the promise of shielding me that Jesus made to me a while back. Of the those things, but as we prayed together last night, and he prayed for me, he prayed simply that Jesus would teach me how to hold my shield. Words that spoke deeply to my heart, since he couldn't know of the promise they touched on.
5. I'm thankful for "The Feast of Seasons" - Steve Bell's Advent/Christmas album. Years of working in retail have left me with mostly disgust for Christmas music, but this album soothes the soul whenever I play it, at any time of year, but particularly as advent begins.
6. I'm thankful for the arrival of Advent (though I suppose I dread the pull of it as well). For the new year in the church calendar that it enters in.
7. I'm thankful for the moments where I am slowly learning to be gentle with myself. To not berate myself for simply wanting to fall apart in exhaustion. To not succumbing to overwhelming fear in the moments when I am so exhausted and teary and broken that those things mark something larger, perhaps a return of depression, rather than simply being the results of an incredibly challenging week.
8. I'm thankful that my parents live nearby, and were willing to loan me a car for the day tomorrow while George is being repaired, making in unnecessary for me to triple the length of my commute by taking public transit.
9. I'm thankful for a short chat with my brother this afternoon, laughing about his school work, and just generally enjoying a few minutes of each other's company.
10. I'm thankful that I made it to number 10 on this list! That there were 10 things that moved me or made me smile or made my heart thankful today. So many days it is such a challenge to find those 10, and today, despite the exhaustion was relatively easy, and that, too, is a blessing.
    

2500

I sort of feel like my 25ooth post should be something deeply profound.

But, I've got nothing.

I had a rough night again, full of dreams and prayers and odd experiences, and I'm feeling unsettled, uneasy, and just generally uncertain of what this day will hold.

I'm headed out shortly to attend another cooking demonstration.

The plans for after that are pretty low key, though sometime, late this afternoon, I'll drive to my parents, pick up my winter tires, and then one of them will follow me to the mechanic I use, where I'll drop off George to spend tomorrow being repaired, and borrow a vehicle from my parents so that my trip to and from work tomorrow is still smooth as well.

Other than that, I'm debating the possibility of attending mass tonight at the cathedral I sometimes go to. It's the first Sunday of Advent (more thoughts on that later, perhaps) and I am feeling drawn towards mass and remembering and preparing again.

Daily 5 - Day 108

I'm really tired. It was a unique day. A unique evening. I think I'll stick to just 5 tonight again...

1. I'm thankful for good sales at Sobeys
2. I'm thankful for my friend J. who has been through all sorts of things together, and for time spent praying together with him tonight
3. I'm thankful for eyes that see differently
4. I'm thankful for lessons learned in the midst of pain, for the growing ability to stand, and for the odd places where healing is breaking out.
5. I'm thankful for a reminder prayed by J. tonight of the shield promise spoken over my life
   

Into the Evening

I'm heading into the evening, uncertain what it will hold, other than that I will get to enjoy the company of a long time good friend, and that for that, I am grateful.

We have a plan, but when we have plans, they rarely turn out as planned.

So I'm headed into the evening, and we'll see how it goes from there.

An Icy Drive

I had a pretty rough night, full of bad dreams.

Mostly dreams having to do with icy roads and sliding vehicles and terrible accidents.

At least I don't have to wonder why those were muddled around in my subconsious. The five hours I spent in a vehicle last night watching sliding vehicles, near misses, and a few accidents quite nicely explains that.

I will not be driving anywhere today unless it is absolutely necessary.

We had freezing rain yesterday that coated the roads, and then froze, turning roads into skating rinks, making hills impassable, and generally creating traffic chaos.

I've never liked driving to begin with. I do it because, well, it's convenient, and Calgary's public transit system is so very not.

I got my "learner's license" at 16. (Two years later than you're first legally allowed to obtain it.) I only finally got a full fledged license days before my twenty first birthday, motivated simply by the fact that the learners was going to expire and I didn't want to pay to renew it, and then pay again a short time later for a new license.

My new license was what Alberta calls a "graduated" license. I held that for a full five years, until this past summer, just days before my 26th birthday, where I scheduled a second road test to get rid of the conditions. Again, the motivation was simply that my license was going to expire, and I figured it was as good a time as any to take the test, rather than paying to renew a license and then paying several months later to upgrade it.

Winter driving is definitely my least favorite, and often leaves me shaky. Though I've seen terrible roads, I've not, in the years I've been driving, seen roads as icy as they were last night.

It doesn't help that my first accident ever happened because of winter road conditions. Or, that, months later, when I was finally able to get behind the wheel without feeling a surge of panic, I was driving home from a friend's rural home, hit some black ice at a notorious location on a major highway, and did a 360 degree spin in my rental car, starting in the right lane of traffic, and ending just barely on the road on the left shoulder. It was only by the grace of God that I wasn't hit by oncoming traffic. I drove for two more hours to get home that night, through terrible conditions. And then, last winter, after another heavy snowfall, I again hit some black ice on a major city road, and slid quite nicely into a guard rail, banging up the front end of my car, but again, thankfully, not getting hurt, or hitting any other vehicles.

So five hours (even if I was only the driver for two) on severely icy roads last night wasn't that helpful.

We've had a mild winter so far, and budgetary concerns have meant that I delayed having my winter tires put on. They're going on on Monday (only two days from now!), along with a few other repairs I've been waiting to have done. So I was driving on old, slightly bald summer tires on the iciest road conditions I've ever seen for two hours last night.

And, since Calgary doesn't salt, plow, or sand residential roads, and I live at the top of a hill, I won't be going anywhere by car until we have a bit of a thaw (predicted for tomorrow). My dad managed to get my car from the spot I'd temporarily abandoned it last night, to a safe parking spot in front of my house, and it is going to stay there until the roads thaw. I'll take transit to the one or two places it is absolutely necessary for me to go today. Because anything is better than getting behind the wheel again on those roads. I relived them all through the night, I have no desire to relive them in my waking reality today.