On the edge of a precipice

I am broken and overwhelmed.

A friend of mine has a lyric that reads "the lie, the lie is becoming convincing".

The lies are overwhelmingly strong today. And they are becoming convincing.

There is very little strength to stand, and even less to fight.

I had a disturbing dream just before waking again this morning, and the vivid nature of this one has carried with me into the day.

I dreamt that I was standing on the edge of a precipice, trying to prevent myself from falling into pitch darkness and danger. There were only two spike like stalagmites, one on either side of me to hold on to to prevent the fall. I had no choice but to hold them, but they are like razors, and slice my hands when I do. I was in pain and my hands were bleeding, and I was working to prevent the fall into nothingness...

It haunts me today, the image of my bloody and painful hands, gripping a razor like object for dear life.

Exposed

This finding freedom business is even harder work than I thought.

And there is yet more to walk through.

More things surfacing.

I'm feeling exhausted, raw, exposed, naked. In front of God, and a close trusted friend.

It's not a safe feeling yet, to stand so exposed, even in front of Jesus, who I know knew it anyway.

I pray one day it will be a safe place. I believe one day it will.

In the meantime, I'm committed to keep standing there.

Even when it seems to be tearing me apart.

Even when the rawest of wounds is being ripped open.

As a friend pointed out on the weekend, it's better than letting them fester.

And I continue to pray for broken things to be restored. People. Hearts. Relationships.

My heart has shattered, and there is yet more surfacing, more to walk through.

And yet, this freedom that seems to come at so high a cost, that seems to be so painful to achieve, is something my heart longs for, and so I keep walking, one tiny little halting, sometimes, limping, sometimes crawling step at a time, with many tears shed, towards it.

That Kind of Day

Have you ever used the "pieces of flair" application on facebook? A lot of them are hilarious. I came across this one this morning. "Some days it's just not worth chewing through the restraints."

I'm having that kind of day today.

Catching My Attention

The photograph at the beginning of this article. (And the article itself.)

This post at Drew's blog about pain and becoming whole.

This "To Write Love on Her Arms" post (and beautiful tattoo) at Ragamuffin Diva - the blog of one of my all-time favorite novelists. (I think I need to start working on getting that tattoo I've been wanting again - there's been a few awfully beautiful ones at Ragamuffin Diva these last couple weeks.)

Community and Solitude - Henri Nouwen

another challenging thought from Henri Nouwen...

Community Supported by Solitude

Solitude greeting solitude, that's what community is all about. Community is not the place where we are no longer alone but the place where we respect, protect, and reverently greet one another's aloneness. When we allow our aloneness to lead us into solitude, our solitude will enable us to rejoice in the solitude of others. Our solitude roots us in our own hearts. Instead of making us yearn for company that will offer us immediate satisfaction, solitude makes us claim our center and empowers us to call others to claim theirs. Our various solitudes are like strong, straight pillars that hold up the roof of our communal house. Thus, solitude always strengthens community.