A Heart that's Seen

This has been a hard week.

My heart has been very unseen, and very misunderstood. My integrity has been questioned more than once, because of the unfortunate actions of another who lacks integrity, and with whom I have to work. I hadn't realized just how much of a toll that had taken on me until I arrived home last night, exhausted after spending over 2 hours in winter traffic, and tried to accomplish a very simple task.

My brain and body shut down, and I flew into panic mode. Granted, there were extenuating circumstances which added to the quick shift into panic, but there it was. I was fighting off a panic attack while still working with desperation to finish a simple and necessary task.

In the midst of that, two dear friends found me online. One hung around and talked me through the panic, while the other simply offered a few encouraging words, and promised to pray.

One reminded me of promises spoken, prayers prayed, and love shared.

The other simply told me, "you're a good woman, Lisa."

I needed to hear all of what both of them said.

Both told me in their own ways that I was loved, that my heart was seen, that I would be okay. Somehow, because of the source, my heart began to calm, and I was able to hear their words, and receive them. I was able to allow my heart to quiet enough to hear Jesus whispering the same things. That I am loved. That He is with me. That I will be okay.

I was reminded last night again of the importance and the gift of true friends. The sort who know you most deeply, who've seen you at your best and worst, and love your heart anyway. Who see the heart, and not the surface panic.

To the two of you who hung out with me online last night, thank you. Thanks for being Jesus to me in those moments, and letting him whisper to me through your love. I needed it - your love and his. And I'm carrying it with me today and on into the weekend and the weeks ahead.

Stepping Over Our Wounds

This thought from Henri Nouwen hit hard today. It speaks to where my heart is at, and to a direction in which I hope I'm finally headed. Here's to "travelling on!"

Stepping over Our Wounds

Sometimes we have to "step over" our anger, our jealousy, or our feelings of rejection and move on. The temptation is to get stuck in our negative emotions, poking around in them as if we belong there. Then we become the "offended one," "the forgotten one," or the "discarded one." Yes, we can get attached to these negative identities and even take morbid pleasure in them. It might be good to have a look at these dark feelings and explore where they come from, but there comes a moment to step over them, leave them behind and travel on.

Henri Again - hit me hard

A few more thoughts from Henri Nouwen... these ones hit pretty hard the last two days.

The Gift of Friendship

Friendship is one of the greatest gifts a human being can receive. It is a bond beyond common goals, common interests, or common histories. It is a bond stronger than sexual union can create, deeper than a shared fate can solidify, and even more intimate than the bonds of marriage or community. Friendship is being with the other in joy and sorrow, even when we cannot increase the joy or decrease the sorrow. It is a unity of souls that gives nobility and sincerity to love. Friendship makes all of life shine brightly. Blessed are those who lay down their lives for their friends.

Enough Light for the Next Step

Often we want to be able to see into the future. We say, "How will next year be for me? Where will I be five or ten years from now?" There are no answers to these questions. Mostly we have just enough light to see the next step: what we have to do in the coming hour or the following day. The art of living is to enjoy what we can see and not complain about what remains in the dark. When we are able to take the next step with the trust that we will have enough light for the step that follows, we can walk through life with joy and be surprised at how far we go. Let's rejoice in the little light we carry and not ask for the great beam that would take all shadows away.

Mennonite Tonight

A friend of a friend recorded this "song" recently. As someone who works for a Mennonite Insurance Company, in the same building as a provincial branch of the Mennonite Central Committee, I laughed hard when I watched this, and promptly circulated it to a few select individuals within the office.

Change Coming

There's change coming. I'm pretty sure there is. At least I hope there is. Can you believe that I just said that? I, Lisa, the one who hates change with a passion? I need some change. Some positive change.

A friend asked me a question last night that's niggling. "Do you still think it's a good idea for you to be friends with so and so? Everytime I've seen you there's been something going on with them that's making you unhappy." Is friendship really always about me being happy? Because, to be fair, there are a lot of my friendships that are in tough places right now, but I don't think I'm ready to write them off. But does there come a point when it really is more healthy, even if you still love the person, to let the friendship come to an end? Or at least to a pause?

My friend Karla Adolphe (of Jacob and Lily fame!) wrote the following lyrics on her first album:

I cannot stop the bleeding
the lie, the lie is becoming convincing
I'm tired, I'm tired of the nights with no sunrise
Oh inside, that's how I'm feeling

I sent them to a friend last night, commenting that they'd struck me deeply as I was driving home last night.

Yesterday was a rough day. A really rough day. I need to not have days like that quite so regularly.

I think my heart is in a good space. I know the nearness of Jesus in deep ways, and I feel him shifting things, making more and more room for himself. But it hurts an awful lot right now. I told another friend last night that I'm glad that God is working, but I'd be thrilled if things would even out for a little while to let me catch up on some rest.

I'm tired. And I'm ready for a change. (Preferably not a stressful one.)