I have an ongoing relationship with fear and panic. Most of the time over the last couple of years, I've managed to make it a distant relationship. These past couple of weeks, it's been a very intimate relationship.
I have been battling fears on a massive scale this past week, mostly alone. Some spiritual attack, some just an expression of my overthinking, worrying sort of personality, but strong and overwhelming in either case.
After the initial overwhelming onslaught, it has come in waves. There are moments when I wake up in the morning and think, "wow, I'm feeling really at peace again." and then something will trigger a thought that leads to a fear, that leads to panic symptoms, and suddenly I'm again fighting for the sanctity of my mind and the sanity of my soul. Things I haven't thought about in ages have sprung up - fears of loved ones dieing, fears surrounding things that I am actually greatly looking forward to and anticipating with great joy (most days!).
And they're making me tired, and a bit anti-social (which, by the way, is a terrible way to be when you're already introverted and in need of lots of alone time to process, and while you're hosting a house guest).
Sometimes I wonder if the close relationship with Jesus is worth the energy it has seemed to require to fight the battles necessary to retain that closeness this last while. I have clung to the promise of God as shield and protector, the promise that I am never alone, and yet have felt so desperately alone in the human realm, separated by physical distance from those who share my heart and uphold me with hugs and prayers. I find myself once again crying out for community - for spiritual parents and friends from whom I can seek advice and support, and with whom I can learn to walk out this journey.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
In the News
It's been a while since I posted any news headlines, but here are some that caught my attention today (there would seem once again to be a bit of a theme):
Canadian Helped Crack International Child Abuse Ring
The Seamy Side of Donated Clothing
Used Clothing in Canada
A Tale of Sexual Slavery in China
Canadian Helped Crack International Child Abuse Ring
The Seamy Side of Donated Clothing
Used Clothing in Canada
A Tale of Sexual Slavery in China
Fruit of the Spirit
From Henri Nouwen:
The Fruit of the Spirit
How does the Spirit of God manifest itself through us? Often we think that to witness means to speak up in defense of God. This idea can make us very self-conscious. We wonder where and how we can make God the topic of our conversations and how to convince our families, friends, neighbors, and colleagues of God's presence in their lives. But this explicit missionary endeavour often comes from an insecure heart and, therefore, easily creates divisions.
The way God's Spirit manifests itself most convincingly is through its fruits: "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, trustfulness, gentleness and self-control" (Galatians 5:22). These fruits speak for themselves. It is therefore always better to raise the question "How can I grow in the Spirit?" than the question "How can I make others believe in the Spirit?"
The Fruit of the Spirit
How does the Spirit of God manifest itself through us? Often we think that to witness means to speak up in defense of God. This idea can make us very self-conscious. We wonder where and how we can make God the topic of our conversations and how to convince our families, friends, neighbors, and colleagues of God's presence in their lives. But this explicit missionary endeavour often comes from an insecure heart and, therefore, easily creates divisions.
The way God's Spirit manifests itself most convincingly is through its fruits: "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, trustfulness, gentleness and self-control" (Galatians 5:22). These fruits speak for themselves. It is therefore always better to raise the question "How can I grow in the Spirit?" than the question "How can I make others believe in the Spirit?"
Monday, June 18, 2007
Cartoon and Human Life
I saw this cartoon today on TIME magazine's website. You can find it here. Made me chuckle, but also made me kind of sad - the whole idea of a double standard of valuing human life. It's one of those social justice type issues I've been wrestling with this year.
Henri Nouwen...Again
I have a few more bits from my daily emails from the Henri Nouwen society to share with you.
Empowered to Receive Love
The Spirit reveals to us not only that God is "Abba, Father" but also that we belong to God as his beloved children. The Spirit thus restores in us the relationship from which all other relationships derive their meaning.
Abba is a very intimate word. The best translation for it is: "Daddy." The word Abba expresses trust, safety, confidence, belonging, and most of all intimacy. It does not have the connotation of authority, power, and control, that the word Father often evokes. On the contrary, Abba implies an embracing and nurturing love. This love includes and infinitely transcends all the love that comes to us from our fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, spouses, and lovers. It is the gift of the Spirit.
Doing Love
Often we speak about love as if it is a feeling. But if we wait for a feeling of love before loving, we may never learn to love well. The feeling of love is beautiful and life-giving, but our loving cannot be based in that feeling. To love is to think, speak, and act according to the spiritual knowledge that we are infinitely loved by God and called to make that love visible in this world.
Mostly we know what the loving thing to do is. When we "do" love, even if others are not able to respond with love, we will discover that our feelings catch up with our acts.
Witnesses of Love
How do we know that we are infinitely loved by God when our immediate surroundings keep telling us that we'd better prove our right to exist?
The knowledge of being loved in an unconditional way, before the world presents us with its conditions, cannot come from books, lectures, television programs, or workshops. This spiritual knowledge comes from people who witness to God's love for us through their words and deeds. These people can be close to us but they can also live far away or may even have lived long ago. Their witness announces the truth of God's love and calls us to act in accordance with it.
Empowered to Receive Love
The Spirit reveals to us not only that God is "Abba, Father" but also that we belong to God as his beloved children. The Spirit thus restores in us the relationship from which all other relationships derive their meaning.
Abba is a very intimate word. The best translation for it is: "Daddy." The word Abba expresses trust, safety, confidence, belonging, and most of all intimacy. It does not have the connotation of authority, power, and control, that the word Father often evokes. On the contrary, Abba implies an embracing and nurturing love. This love includes and infinitely transcends all the love that comes to us from our fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, spouses, and lovers. It is the gift of the Spirit.
Doing Love
Often we speak about love as if it is a feeling. But if we wait for a feeling of love before loving, we may never learn to love well. The feeling of love is beautiful and life-giving, but our loving cannot be based in that feeling. To love is to think, speak, and act according to the spiritual knowledge that we are infinitely loved by God and called to make that love visible in this world.
Mostly we know what the loving thing to do is. When we "do" love, even if others are not able to respond with love, we will discover that our feelings catch up with our acts.
Witnesses of Love
How do we know that we are infinitely loved by God when our immediate surroundings keep telling us that we'd better prove our right to exist?
The knowledge of being loved in an unconditional way, before the world presents us with its conditions, cannot come from books, lectures, television programs, or workshops. This spiritual knowledge comes from people who witness to God's love for us through their words and deeds. These people can be close to us but they can also live far away or may even have lived long ago. Their witness announces the truth of God's love and calls us to act in accordance with it.
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