An Ongoing Relationship With Fear

I have an ongoing relationship with fear and panic. Most of the time over the last couple of years, I've managed to make it a distant relationship. These past couple of weeks, it's been a very intimate relationship.

I have been battling fears on a massive scale this past week, mostly alone. Some spiritual attack, some just an expression of my overthinking, worrying sort of personality, but strong and overwhelming in either case.

After the initial overwhelming onslaught, it has come in waves. There are moments when I wake up in the morning and think, "wow, I'm feeling really at peace again." and then something will trigger a thought that leads to a fear, that leads to panic symptoms, and suddenly I'm again fighting for the sanctity of my mind and the sanity of my soul. Things I haven't thought about in ages have sprung up - fears of loved ones dieing, fears surrounding things that I am actually greatly looking forward to and anticipating with great joy (most days!).

And they're making me tired, and a bit anti-social (which, by the way, is a terrible way to be when you're already introverted and in need of lots of alone time to process, and while you're hosting a house guest).

Sometimes I wonder if the close relationship with Jesus is worth the energy it has seemed to require to fight the battles necessary to retain that closeness this last while. I have clung to the promise of God as shield and protector, the promise that I am never alone, and yet have felt so desperately alone in the human realm, separated by physical distance from those who share my heart and uphold me with hugs and prayers. I find myself once again crying out for community - for spiritual parents and friends from whom I can seek advice and support, and with whom I can learn to walk out this journey.